The most glamorous film festival remains unchanged except for that pesky Delta variant.
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This doesnt actually matter, except to me, because they only check these results at random.
Its kinky, really.
I cant stop thinking,What in the European fuck am I doing here?
Everyone who attends is required to wear black tie and suppress their human instinct to survive.
Outside it, a woman in heels is openly weeping.
I stand there for a while, watching beautiful women try not to sweat in loofahlike gowns.
One of them argues with a staffer about having to put on a mask inside and ultimately prevails.
Another wears a hat shaped like a candle.
As a result, I miss the auspicious arrival of Bella Hadid.
I wonder if my desire to stay alive is American exceptionalism.
The ceremony itself is equally vertiginous.
A stream of unmasked celebrities takes the stage to say various things about movies and one another.
Many strange onstage jokes follow about the mask mandate.
I have the impression that there was no gap, says Bong.
Years from now, we wont even remember the Gap.
What was the Gap, Mom?
a little French child might say in the year 2050, although in French.
His mother will shush him.
One of the French speakers muses on the power of the theatrical experience.
Maybe well be different at the end of the festival, she says.
Thats the aim of a film.
I make a note to ask myself how different I am in 12 days.
I head to the intimate after-party on a rooftop nearby.
Ive now been awake for 30 hours, which is neither here nor there but maybe important for context.
Fortunately, I have it with me, having anticipated these sorts of ever-changing fantastical whims.
This year, the beach is relatively quiet, with dance floors unilaterally banned.
No famous people ever show up.
I cant drink yet because of my tooth situation, so I simply watch them.
Its all relative, she concludes.
I drink the lukewarm coffee out of the bucket.
When the server arrives at the table to take my food order, she laughs in disbelief.
I venture to switch the coffee back to the cup but its too late.
She knows I drank out of a little ice bucket.
The mood is placid, and the ground is covered in AstroTurf.
At any given time, there are maybe 36 people at the party.
Its different from being French, says a woman giving a speech about the regions cinematic exports.
But we feel we have a lot to offer.
Someone asks me if she is Florence Pugh, and for a moment, I dont know.
Nearby, the films 9-year-old star, Malea Emma Tjandrawidjaja, smiles for selfies with various adults.
By the time you get to the ketchup, most of the fries are gone.
I urgently need to know if there will be cows at the villa.
At the massive wrought-iron door, my temperature is taken, and Im asked to show my vaccine card.
The space is decorated like it was abandoned in the cocaine 80s.
Nobody famous shows up, which at this point makes a lot of sense.
I walk over and touch him on his cow leg, which is solid and cold.
Shortly thereafter, news will break that, actually, no, they are not doing that, sorry.
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