From puns to chickens crossing the road to giving Willie Nelson a blowjob.
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A century ago, comics mightve told street jokes, but slowly the practice grew hack.
Again, that is onstage.
Offstage, its a different story.
And now, weve compiled a collection of their answers here.
Just pure, unadulterated joke-jokes that you could steal for your next icebreaker.
Whats the difference between a refrigerator and an elephant?
Nikki Glaser
A guy walks into a bar and says, Ouch.
Sam Richardson
Hey, ask me if Im a dinosaur.
Are you a dinosaur?
Jamie Lee
A couple is lying in bed.
He comes back to bed and his wife says, Who is that?
And he says, Oh, some stranger who wanted a push.
I told him I couldnt help him.
She says, What if that was you?
What if you needed a push in the middle of the night?
He says, Youre right.
Do you still need help?
The guy yells back, Yeah, I do!
He says, Where are you?
And he says, Im over here on the swing.
Tig Notaro
There is this moose hunter, and hes hunting moose in the woods.
Im not a moose!
Im not a moose!
Im not a moose!
Now theyre ten feet away from each other, and the guy shouts again Dont shoot me!
Im not a moose!
I told you I wasnt a moose!
And the moose hunter goes, Oh.
I thought you said youwerea moose.
Vanessa Bayer
Did you hear what happened when the guy who wrote the song The Hokey Pokey died?
They couldnt close his coffin.
Every time they put a right foot in, he put his left foot out.
Felipe Esparza
Whyd the man get fired from the orange-juice factory?
They say, Well, we have to feed you through the back door.
So they flipped him over on his stomach, and they put a funnel in his ass.
He says, Well, Im kind of hungry.
They say, We have roast beef, broccoli, a baked potato, and hot chocolate.
[Muffled sounds of agreement.]
So they pour it down the funnel and he goes, OH!
And they said, Too hot?
and he said Too sweet!
Martin Short
Two whales are sitting at the bar.
One turns to the other and goes, Aaaooooowhhhooo ooooooohhhoohh.
And the other one goes, Man, you are drunk.
Cecily Strong
This guy goes to a silent retreat where you dont speak at all for a year.
He stays in this little room, and after three months, the room is freezing cold.
So he goes to the leader of the retreat and goes, My room is very cold.
Can I get a blanket?
The guy gets the blanket and he goes back to his room and continues his silent retreat.
Can someone come and fix the leak?
They fix the leak, and he goes back to his room.
Id like to leave.
And the owner of the retreat goes, Yeah, I think you should.
You havent shut the fuck up since youve been here.
Wayne Federman
How did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chickens foot.
Sam Jay
A panda walks into a bar.
He orders some food, and then the bartender gives him the bill.
He gets up, walks away from the food and the drinks, and gets to the door.
The bartender goes, Hey, man, what are you doing?
The panda bear goes, Im leaving.
The bartender goes, You cant leave.
Youve got to pay me right now.
The panda pulls out a gun and fires two shots in the air.
Hes about to walk out the door.
Are you fucking crazy?
Im gonna call the cops right now.
The panda bear goes, Its what I do, look it up.
The bartender opens up the book; it says, Panda bear: eats shoots and leaves.
Hasan Minhaj
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam(n).
and the horse stops.
Hes really relieved, and he sighs Thanks be to God, and the horse runs off the cliff.
Dennis Feitosa
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Ones a dollar 99, and the other ones under a buck.
Fortune Feimster
Whats the difference between a Camaro and an erection?
I dont have a Camaro.
Id like to use the family car.
Number one, you should probably improve your grades.
Number two, me being a minister, itd be nice if you were to start reading the Bible.
Number three, it’s crucial that you get a haircut.
I tried to do everything you asked me to do.
Daddy, I continued to read that Bible even more, and even Moses had long hair.
Daddy, you know what?
Because of you, I read the whole Bible, and even Jesus had long hair.
George Wallace
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Bobby Moynihan
Why would you be Black and gay?
Its not like you wake up and go, I want my life to be doubly hard.
Nicole Byer
A frog goes into a bank and says, I want a loan.
And they say, you gotta go sit with Miss Whack in the back.
How are you doing?
She says, My names Patty, but lets get down to business.
He goes, Right, I want a loan.
Shes like, Youre a frog.
Hes like, Yeah, I know, I know.
But youre probably curious as to why Im here and how I came to be.
Anyway, I want a loan.
Shes like, This is so unusual.
Ive never sat with a frog to get a loan.
Do you have any collateral?
So he pulls out a little pink ceramic elephant and says, Theres my collateral.
Shes like, I think Im going to have to talk to the bank president about this.
He gave me this thing as collateral.
His old mans a Rolling Stone.
Brian Regan
Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama, Donald Trump, and a little girl are on a plane.
The plane is having problems, and there are three parachutes on it.
Trump says, Well Im the president, so I get one, and he jumps off the plane.
The little girl looks at Obama and says, No, we both get one.
Trump took my bookbag.
Kenan Thompson
Doctor, doctor!
I have five penises!
Well then how do your pants fit?
Max Silvestri
Two old ladies are talking.
One of them says to the other, You look fabulous!
The other one says, Ive been giving my husband oral sex every day for the last month.
I feel great and I look great, and I cant recommend it enough.
What have you been doing?
And the first lady says, Ive been taking your advice.
Julie Klausner
Hello everybody.
What a great wedding that were at!
Weddings, they have three rings.
The first ring is the engagement ring.
Then you have the wedding ring.
Then, finally, you have the suffe-ring!
London Hughes
A duck walks into a bar and is like, You got any grapes?
The bartender is like, No, get out of here.
Then the next day, the duck walks into the same bar and goes, You got any grapes?
The bartender says, Like I told you, we dont have any!
And if you come in here one more time, Im gonna nail your feet to the floor.
Then the duck comes in the third day and goes, You got any nails?
Bartenders like, No.
And the duck goes, You got any grapes?
Jo Firestone
Why do musicians go on the road?
To see their kids.
Colin Quinn
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Who gives a fuck?
Liz Meriwether
Whats the last thing you want to hear while blowing Willie Nelson?
Im not Willie Nelson.
I said to the man, Why is your head an orange?
I said, What did you wish for first?
The man said, For all the money in the world.
I ended up a multibillionaire, so much money, and I spent it on all my wildest dreams.
I said, What was your second wish?
I said, Okay, what was your third wish?
And he said, I wished for my head to be turned into an orange.
James Acaster
