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However, the past year has changed everything I thought I knew about myself and cars.
But I quickly decided against doing so for three reasons.
The second reason is that I am lazy, and the third is that it was funny to me.
Most characters have a very detached, sarcastic approach to conflict.
Rarely does anyone raise their voice.
Theres a fair bit of punching, but it seems perfunctory.
Despite the overwhelming sense of sexual baggage and the complex interpersonal histories, nobody actually has any sex.
Sex is not even implied offscreen.
Whats going on here?
Everyone layers their shirts in a way that suggests virginity and the year 2008.
Hard for me to say with my limited exposure.
On Smashing
So much stuff is smashed, often using the magnets.
I bet the production smashed 5,000 cars or more while filming.
At one point, cafes and scooters are smashed.
Eventually, the smashing loses its shock value.
But perhaps thats the point: When everything is smashed, nothing matters.
When nothing matters, you are free.
On Family
This movie overflows with hypocrisy.
This isnt who we are, she says, meaning … parents.
On Time
I cant speak for the other movies, but the ninth movie is too long.
Its two and a half hours.
I was stunned by the Christopher Nolan hubris of this run time.
The only movies that should be more than two hours areTitanicandMeet Joe Black.
He seems to be the Chandler to Tyreses Joey.
His primary trait is being annoyed with Tyrese and telling him to stop talking.
He likes numbers, and unlike most of the other characters, he fears and respects death.
Tyrese
What happened to Tyrese?
This is a disaster.
Dom
Dom is a Toretto.
This is meaningful in ways Ill never understand.
He is married (?)
to Letty, but its a sexless marriage, one born out of convenience and mutual respect.
He wears tight waffle sweaters and tank tops exclusively.
He has sexual tension with his sister and his brother, and Letty accepts this.
He smells like Cool Water.
Young Dom
This is a different character from Dom.
He looks literally nothing like Vin Diesel.
Letty has two leather jackets: one black, one white.
She brings both on a spontaneous trip to a militarized town on a small island.
Jakob
This is Doms mysterious brother, who is so large.
Like, Gaston levels of large.
He is the Ashlee Simpson to Doms Jessica.
He also has sexual tension with Jordana Brewster and Dom.
Which reminds me, where are everyones moms?
Jordana Brewster
Also a Toretto.
Secretly in love with Letty but cant act on it because she has four children and lives in Westchester.
Her husband is a hedge-fund manager, and her oldest daughter, Coco, is a TikTok influencer.
She picks at but does not eat her noodles.
Brian
There are apparently two Brians.
The elder Brian has the safest hands in the world.
Here, she is locked inside a clear box because she angered the Fasts or the Russians or both.
Inside, she has a drone.
Her hair has been forcibly cut to look like a combination of Justin Biebers and Kate Gosselins.
She changes outfits once in the box but has no bathroom.
Ramsey
A hacker who cant drive.
No romantic attachments to anyone onscreen.
Really cute, so this makes no sense.
Why is nobody fucking?
Now hes back because he gave up on faking his death.
Once referred to as Twinkie.
Unclear what he does or how he contributes to the Fast legacy.
Helen Mirren
Has two British accents.
One is more Oliver, the other more Queen Elizabeth.
Otto
Eastern European, angry for unknown reasons.
Wants to take over the planet via Project Aries (see below).
I cant remember if he dies.
Involved somehow with the magnet.
But they didnt intend to do anything bad with this apocalyptic tool; they were just being scientists.
He hands him a Corona.
The guy at the garage has seen some shit.
Which, ultimately, is what Ive done by ignoring all of theFast and Furiousmovies.
