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Here in Britain, it feels like the 70s again.
Yes, the dream of the 70s was alive atGlastonbury or so I imagined.
Heres how I managed it.
Friday
11 a.m.Opening my first beer of the day, alone, in my home.
I dont feel great about myself, but at least this pre-midday brew is staying authentic to the experience.
First things first, though: Glastonbury is fucking massive.
I walk up and down my stairs 15 times before the first set.
11:05 a.m.Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy is beamed onto the big screens before the Libertines set.
In an appeal for the crowds support, he describes Glastonbury Festival as the greatest concentration of freedom.
Quite the surprise guest.
11:10 a.m.Pete Doherty and Carl Barat take to the Other Stage, and I feel 15 and straight again.
Really thankful for that beer now.
Basically, it does the job.
2 p.m.Okay, fair enough: Wet Leg is really good.
4:45 p.m.Dry Cleaning is great.
The bands internal disconnect never fails to make me laugh.
Hello, its nice to be with you.
You all look lovely, says Shaw.
I resent myself for how much Id like to see Dry Cleaning play to a Bored Apes crowd.
6:15 p.m.Time for Robert Plant and Alison Krauss.
is all I can think when I hear Krausss voice.
7:30 p.m.Time for a little break and to get some more steps in.
10 p.m.No humans, but a couple of cats have decided to walk in and join me.
One is called Malcolm, which I think is a great name for a cat.
Also: the perfect company for the festivals youngest-ever headliner, Billie Eilish.
10:15 p.m.Eilish emerges onto the stage wearing squash-playing attire.
But there are shades of humility and disbelief that I didnt see on the tour.
Eilish truly doesnt seem to understand why shes there even while the crowd cries grateful tears for her.
At times, her Doberman-like growl sort of makes me think of a female DMX.
I love it not to mention how special it is to see a Zambian artist singing in Bemba.
4:15 p.m.Another jaunt to the pub for Yves Tumor at the West Holts stage.
This is the best fit of the weekend.
I then queue outside of my own toilet for 15 minutes (an existentially mortifying experience).
8:30 p.m.Some friends arrive just in time for Burna Boys set.
The dodgy livestream is on!
At 80, he is the festivals oldest ever headliner, and he doesnt look a day over 64!
10 p.m.Hes now projecting a video of Johnny Depp while he sings his 2012 track My Valentine.
Time to switch over to Megan.
10:15 p.m.A friend texts me that Maccas just brought out Bruce Springsteen (classic).
Also I know this is sort of cheating flicking between stages on my TV but I dont care.
Megan is syllable-by-syllable perfection, and she commands the crowd like shes whipping Seabiscuit to victory.
Better yet, I make it in time for WAP!
11:30 p.m.2:30 a.m.Time for another silent disco and early-hours shower.
Sunday
3:15 p.m.Another bloody hotdog for lunch while I watch Cate Le Bon.
Its all mulch, no fun.
Stouthearted and full of effortless grace, shes probably one of the only cool people left in the universe.
4:30 p.m.A two-mile walk to the pub for Diana Rosss set at the Pyramid Stage.
Youd be off your nut for this one, wouldnt you?
(Thats British for k-holing.)
She quite literally comes out to Im Coming Out, for goodness sake.
I love her for it.
Then theres a nonstop cavalcade of bangers: Baby Love, Stop!
(Again, how are ostrich burgers and Goan fish curries the British festival staples?
Why did this happen?)
Thankfully, that doesnt seem to dampen the chefs spirits as it was bloody lovely.
7 p.m.My friend George arrives.
Ive been waiting all weekend for George.
Hes the perfect person to have around while Im trying to mirror the Glastonbury atmosphere.
We re-create the mosh pits by repeatedly banging into each other and accidentally clunk heads.
7:30 p.m.Time for Lorde at the Pyramid Stage.
For my sins, Im not the biggest Lorde fan, so my mind begins to wander.
How many weekends can you say that about?
I then train myself back on Lorde and find myself coming around to her.
Supercut is a really wonderful song.
Lordes much better at melodrama than she is at cerebralism, basically.
The crowd, half-crying, half-gurning, seems to agree.
TheSolar Powersongs dont get the elated reception that older cuts such as Ribs, Royals, and Liability get.
9:30 p.m.Kendricks on in 15 minutes, and the anticipation is high.
This is the set Ive been looking forward to most.
He comes out wearing a bejeweled crown of thorns, dressed like a holy waiter.
This man is truly transcendent.
He delivers his verses with a calm confidence Ive not seen from any other act this weekend.
The crowd chants Keeeendrick Laaamaaaar very Britishly, which goes unacknowledged by the rapper.
He seems far above the crowd we are ants; he is an airplane.
The set turns into a wonderful career retrospective.
Morale & the Big Steppers.
Just over an hour in, he takes a good look at the audience for the first time.
On behalf of me and everyone in my team, I thank each and every single one of you.
I feel a part of the crowd.
I feel a part of the religion of Kendrick.
