Bachelor in Paradise
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Dear and gentle readers, first of all, Im back!!
Love Island,bothU.K.
Does anyone fall in love?
about 15 times, and theres no dating involved in that conversation.
I cant see this working out.
But like, am I cheering for Rodney or Lace?
Lace is full on weeping and all of the new women are actively plotting to break these relationships up!
It cant be both, and emotional chaos is not a driving narrative force.
It is effective and seductive, but romantic entropy doesnt provide a lot of structure here.
Okay, now its time.
Lets get to it.
Its morning in Paradise and WERE ONLY AT SECOND ROSE CEREMONY NIGHT.
How are there … let me just check here … 38 episodes this season?!?!
There are no other shows on TV.
There is onlyBachelor in Paradise.Surrender yourself.
I must be stuck in some sort ofRussian Dollsituation where I can see time dilating in front of me.
There must be a riddle or philosophical quandary that I can solve to free us from this hell.
Maybe if Im able to figure out the meaning of true love, well all snap out of this.
When did we decide that Michael A. was our most important priority this season?
Some of these names I understand Peter is a pizza-based menace who must be stopped.
But Justin is going into the ceremony without a rose?
We have failed as a nation.
Then Ashley I. and Jared leave.
Bye, you weirdos.
James blindfolds her and feeds her various shrimps.
Shanae loves that hes doing little special things for her and they exchange some shrimp-burp kisses.
That is rich for several reasons.
One: Everyone on that beach is there for Instagram followers.
This is a purely Instagram-based economy.
Telling Brittany to not confront Peter isnt a good look.
Let the women drive every terrible man off this beach like St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
OF COURSE NOT!!!!!
He tells her shes a waste of time and his biggest regret was taking her on the date!
He stands alone on the beach and screams into the waves, WHATS MY FAVORITE COLOR?!
BLACK!!!!!!
and honestly, to explain how we got here would diminish the experience.
He says that Brittanys looks are going to fade and shell have nothing left.
Meanwhile, he looks like Leatherface tried to make a mask of Roger fromDoug.
Passing out when everyone starts yelling and its kinda your fault is a genius move.
Bonus points if I can take the casserole out on my way to the floor.
Casey manages to sprain his ankle on the way to the ground, and hes instantly eliminated.
Meanwhile, James, Jacob, and Rodney have formed a squad to get Peter off the beach.
This is really the full spectrum of foolish masculinity heading to take out the exemplar of toxic masculinity.
Peter says hes not going to leave on anybody elses terms ………… but he is leaving.
Jill screams, CIAO UGLY, which is devastating and beautiful.
Peter says, BUONGIORNO BITCHES!
THE PIZZA KING IS OUT!
as his good-bye to the beach.
Danielle M. from Nick Vialls season appears and strolls down the stairs into Paradise.
Time for the rose ceremony.
Serene gives her rose to Brandon, Jill gives hers to Jacob, Lace gives hers to Rodney.
Its time for Shanae to give out her rose.
Who will she choose??
I guess thats it.
Victoria gives her rose to Johnny, Brittany gives hers to Andrew, and Danielle gives hers to Michael.
Alls well that ends exactly how production wanted it!
Before that can happen, Danielle gets a date card because Michael A. has a development deal at ABC.
This date has some interesting energy.
But they arent exactly on the same page.
Theres also some lightChicken Soup for the Soulconversation.
THEYVE NEVER MET IN REAL LIFE BEFORE!!!
Back at the resort, everyone is cuddling up with their rose-ceremony partners.
Is Johnny a sociopath?
Jesse gathers everyone to the couches and makes them talk about how great everything is going.
DO you feel secure in your relationship?
Jill, do you feel chosen by Jacob?
Lace, does Rodney know your first name?
WELL TOO BAD, FUCK YOU.
If that were true, you wouldnt have the new women arrive fresh from Drybar and in bikinis.
You want these men to untie those bikinis with their teeth.
Well, gday mate to her.
Victoria says that Johnny asked her why she looked different and she said she wasnt wearing makeup.
This relationship is doomed.
Shut the fuck up.
Everyone is pissed and they cant exactly hear your pep talk about how loyal Jacob is right now.
Jill just keeps screaming, MY BOY IS GOING TO LEAVE!
Jill is full-body sobbing and Genevieve is threatening to leave the production.
Serene is ready to burn Paradise to the ground despite basically being engaged already.
Meanwhile, Brandon is talking shit about how these men aint loyal.
He says that Jacob is a walking thot who is about to be battling some sexual demons.
Let Brandon out, hes not interested in this drama.
And tomorrow … some hot men arrive!
