Bachelor In Paradise
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If shes not regularly using an eye cream, she cannot be trusted with the schematics.
Theres a reason that none of the women inOceans 8were under 30.
WE CAN HEAR YOU!
THERE ARE MICROPHONES IN THE NECKLACES, YOU COLOSSAL BONEHEADS!!!
Some TV time?!?!?!
Some followers?!?!?!
A feature inUs Weekly?!?!?!?!?!!!
Do yall think youre getting that now?
And this nonsense completely blows everyone elses drama out of the water.
Girl, get your closure over text, and Joe aint buying it either.
Demi, Mari, Tia, and Kenny?
Ladies, his only occupation is boy-band manager.
Literally everyone involved can do better.
Lets get to it.
We have to deal with Kendalls arrival before we get to the Brendan and Pieper of it all.
Joe says, Thats not true, Ellen.
), and Kendall says, We didnt really fight.
That sounds great, but sometimes it just doesnt happen.
Kendall says again, I dont want to get sucked into logistics.
That seems to be the only thing to discuss.
Also, do you want to get back together?
Umm ….okay.Kendall is going to hang around, and Joe goes to tell Serena whats going on.
POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF THE MESS.
The two of them sit down and admit theyre not very good at communicating.
Mari is literally lurking in the shadows to steal Kenny away to talk to him.
Again, weve all been there.
Wow, that saying really does capture a lot.
Kenny feels like shes flip-flopping on him, and now he has all these other bitches to think about!
She says Mari is mean, entitled, and a brat.
So Demi uses the only spell in her spellbook: Summon Boom Boom Room.
Hes already seen whatever youve got, and you oughta heighten.
If shes only willing to use sex as a relationship-building tool, maybe suggest a threesome?
Its undoubtedly a heighten.
PIEPER ARRIVES AND READS HER DATE CARD, AND SHE ASKS BRENDAN OUT RIGHT AWAY.
They are so bad at this.
They are so stupidly bad at this.
You have to pull the guys aside and be like, How has Paradise been treating you?
andthenask Brendan on a date.
Literally everything is so uncomfortable, and already everyone suspects whats about to happen.
Brendan takes Natasha aside to let her know hes definitely going on this date.
It makes it impossible to understand what the fuck hes talking about at any moment.
But hes going on the date.
Natasha already knows something stinks here.
Becca hugs Natasha while she cries, and theyre both glad the other one is there.
Can Becca give Natasha a rose?
Shell say it one thousand times in front of all these cameras!
Pieper says, Thanks for playing the game.
She also says, I wish I was pervy to that, but I think she meant privy.
Everyone else is just making weird faces to each other because of the undeniable relationship between Brendan and Pieper.
Natasha takes Pieper aside and asks her what the hell is going on.
Pieper says that theyve known each other for two months and have seen each other about ten times.
Its clear what theyre doing, and I need everyone to gather around and publicly shame them.
Would Brendan be as comfortable saying that about someone else?
Natasha puts on her lawyer hat on top of the hat shes already pulling off and sits Brendan aside.
There are enough lies.
I wish this wereFBoy Islandso she could send his ass home.
Brendan says they never had a romantic relationship or even an intimate relationship.
Did they even know each other?
Thats not for Brendan to say.
Brendan also says that he gave Natasha a rose to symbolize his hope for her to meet someone else.
Bitch, c’mon.
Natasha says that Brendans strong feelings for Pieper didnt develop yesterday, and hes met her more than twice.
He also says that Pieper has come to visit him in Boston … but theyre not in a relationship.
When Natasha asks him about that, he says, Im not sure what the relevance is.
Ladies, if your man is questioning the relevance of your questions, he did it.
That man is GUILTY.
All that said, the time we spent together, Ive enjoyed.
Brendan and Pieper keep talking about how their plan is goingperfectlyand how theyre going to get so many followers.
Does he think he can fool the microphones?
Does he think hes getting away with this?
In the words of Natasha, BULLSHIT.
