Bachelor in Paradise
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Here is a list of things I would like to see onBachelor in Paradise:
END OF LIST.
Did production buy Twitter for $44 billion this week?
This season could use an infusion of fun or, at the very least, some unabashed horniness.
It feels like there is a dour, puritanical cloud hovering over the beach.
Everyone seems to be hoping to just get through the season with the least amount of emotional damage.
Did anyone bring a copy ofCodenames?
Lets get to it.
Has your relationship not been tested yet?
Now is the time!
Kate is still not back from her date with Hayden, and I dont know how thats possible.
There arent enough lines to zip in all of Mexico.
She pulls Logan aside because she thinks Logan is a little apathetic and blase about their relationship.
If I may, again: Maam.
Hes got the energy level of the Blue Monstar.
Kate says she wants to get a temperature check on their relationship.
How do you feel?, which is the start of every great love.
She says, Im happy to hear that, and Logan tells her, Thats underwhelming.
They think this is romantic!
All of them fools!
They kiss in the rain, and everyone cheers and claps for them.
Someone shouts, WHAT A MOMENT!
PICK HER UP!, because this is their television show.
Logan ends his night by saying he feels confident with Kate and theyre headed in the right direction.
Kate wakes up the next morning and hits this whole situation with the FUCK-YOU THOUGHT.
Logan is too young!
He cant even afford to work out at Equinox.
Hes basically a Dickensian orphan, and Kate has had ENOUGH.
Will she tell him any of this?
She says that Hayden has a mortgage and a plan for his life.
My sister in Christ,I am 33and I need you to relax.
Hayden is on the beach in Paradise he has no plan.
Also, what does Kate know about the economy that I dont?
Should we all be marrying boring, medium-well-off guys to survive the recession?
Its time to head into the cocktail party, and somehow the women have the roses again.
I GUESS NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING ANYMORE.
Four men will be leaving this week and …
I genuinely forgot Alex was still around.
Considering we never even see him speak a full sentence, so did production.
Genevieve, youre setting yourself up for a lifetime of pranks.
Kate sits down with Hayden and tries to make it work.
She gives him a tennis ball to take home to Rambo.
When she threw that tennis ball and told an adult man Ready?
Fetch!, I simply and truly lost my mind.
I laughed a laugh that hadnt been laughed from my heart in decades.
Shes treating men like actual dogs, and Im back on Kates side.
Its time for the main drama of the episode: The Justin-Eliza-Rodney triangle.
First up, theres Rodney poor gentle, sweet Rodney, who does deserve SO MUCH MORE.
She doesnt want to get married.
When she said all that stuff, she didnt really mean it.
So theres a massive mismatch there.
She wanted to keep Justin and Rodney as interested in her as long as possible.
Then theres all the pressure from everyone to keep Rodney in the game because they like him so much.
I dont know what the fuck this woman is doing.
Time for the rose ceremony!
If we dont see improvement, well have to evaluate your continued employment at this company.
He accepts her rose.
Its time for Eliza to make the decision of her life.
She heads up to the platter of roses and shes already crying.
(Justin, Jacob, Alex, and Hayden are going home.)
The next morning in Paradise, Rodney is having a GREAT morning.
Before we can fully watch this relationship devolve, Danielle and Michael get another date card.
We could definitely use aLove Islandstyle group game.
The whole cast should be straddling one another and popping balloons between their bodies.
Michael and Danielle head into town, and Wells follows them around on their date.
Michael is annoyed that their date is somehow all about Wells.
Shes wearing a sweatshirt.
Do you know how upset you have to be to put on a sweatshirt in 80-degree Mexico?
So shes got to talk to Rodney.
She puts on her most responsible-looking bodysuit and heads down to the beach.
This conversation is A LOT.
I dont think I made the right choice, so I must have made _____.The wrong choice?
Rodney is upset, but hes also trying his best to handle this whole thing maturely.
Weve all been there, Rodney, and you dont need that information.
Its … a lot and makes the breakup about Rodney helping Eliza through this situation.
But its over and Rodney has to scoot all the way off the biggest daybed.
Cant the man have an ounce of dignity?
Every person on the beach is full-on sobbing.
The guys are covering their faces so that their tears arent shown to the rest of the world.
The women are falling on top of one another like wailing widows.
OUR DEAR, PRECIOUS RODNEY!
Genevieve is screaming WHY RODNEY!!
RODNEY FOR BACHELOR!!!
This is a Bachelor edit, and we should just make him the goddamn Bachelor already!
If he can inspire this much emotion, he should be our lead!
When he opened his front door in his nap clothes, I knew this was going to end terribly.
See you next week!!
!
