Bachelor in Paradise
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Bachelor in Paradise.You were my favorite.
You were a respite from the inane tedium of the main franchise.
Im … whats going on here?
Eliza wishes he threw a Gaston-style fit and forbade her from going to proclaim his love.
Im trapped in some kind of time loop!
All the drama and emotional chaosfrom yesterdayseem to be repeating!!!
Aaron and Genevieve having a not-great argument about their relationship.
Shanae being asked on a date and feeling chemistry!
I need you to get help.
Find Mike Fleiss and smash the talisman he carries close to his heart.
That will free me.
Lets get to it.
And the women have the roses again?!?
I DO NOT LIKE THIS MAN.
In case you forgot, hes the guy who has a dog and was mean to Gabby.
He starts taking the women aside to ask if they want to go on the date.
He tells every woman that he has a golden retriever and hes his best friend.
She goes to Logan to ask him the impossible question.
This question is a trap and a nightmare.
THATS NOT WHAT YOU WANT!!
Hayden and Kates date happens the next morning, and theyre going zip-lining in the jungles.
Kate is really excited for this non-stop thrill ride and Hayden is not into this.
Hayden and Kate sit down for some Champagne, and Kate asks him what his core values are.
His response is I have a golden retriever.
Why are you telling people this!
Is this a brag?
Are you looking for pity?
How is your dog doing?That poor dog.
If you really want to be there for your dog, maybe stay at home, my dude.
Hayden also doesnt exactly deny or explain why he compared the Bachelorettes to his ex.
He says hes a very nice guy, a super-nice guy.
Thats exactly what someone would say before they ran you over with their car because you wronged them.
Now its time to check in with the Eliza-Rodney-Justin drama.
Yall, I dont know how much more of this I can do.
Justin is flirting his ass off and Eliza is into it.
Rodney, I mean this with the most love in my heart, shes not worth it.
I dont care how fine she is.
I just dont know what that show is for Gen Z.
Its not likeGossip Girl,right?
Also, sidenote: Is this what its like dating as a thin, hot, young person?
you might just do and say wild stupid shit and no one stops or questions you?
Because if it is, WOW.
Then she immediately goes and makes out with Justin on a daybed.
The next arrivals on the beach are the twins.
Theyre dressed the same and they speak in unison.
They have slept in bunk beds until they were 17 energy.
Theyre also 24, so those days are in the recent past.
They ask Florence and Shanae on the date and they head to the resort for cantina games.
They do a bunch of things that are gross and weird.
And somehow … FLORENCE AND SHANAE ARE INTO THEM!??!?!!?!?!
THATS NOT GASLIGHTING!!!!
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Everyone on the daybed is slowly getting up and running away.
This is really bad.
This is like two fights away from punching a bathroom wall.
He says that shes just a bomb ready to go off about any little thing.
Genevieve heads up to the womens room to pack up her stuff.
Let her leave.But no, Victoria sends Aaron in to stop Genevieve from leaving.
He asks her if Genevieve is crazy or is she calm.
Fuck off, dude.
That isnt a sexy or fun relationship.
Thats a relationship where no one can emotionally regulate and no one is actually happy.
Thats what Paradise is all about!
When the worst day of his life comes, hell be thinking about Paradise!
He says he prays she has a good life and he wont threaten his happiness.
This dude needs to STOP.
She shouldnt like it!!
This isnt Carrie and Big.
This is the second act of a Lifetime movie.
Victoria laughs, Sometimes you just gotta threaten to leave!
Love means never having to say gaslighting!
See you next week!
