Bachelor in Paradise
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Its the end ofParadise!!!
In chronological time, were in the year 2022.
In emotional and fashion time, its 2002, and everyone is suffering.
(Also 75 percent of the looks at that 90s dance were actually just Y2K nonsense.
I lived through it.
There was not enough dusty-denim patchwork and peace-sign frogs.
I didnt see a single name written on a grain of rice floating in a pendant.)
Lets see how everyone is holding up.Its a double recap, yall lets get into it!
Do I no longer have any concept of time or is it still the morning that Rodney left?
Everyone is completely devastated, but Andrew isdevastated.
Were Rodney and Andrew that close?
Theyre apparently best friends, and now Andrew is questioning his entire worldview.
How can he or anyone else go on?
Aaron is asking himself, What hope do I have?
Oh, Im sorry, did I answer that too fast?
Brandon is spending the morning staring into the ocean crying.
When Heathcliff stared out across the moors, he was going through the exact same thing.
First, weve got to deal with Justin and Eliza.
you might see on Elizas face that she definitely thought this would work out differently.
These are the life choices of someone whose brain has been completely addled by romantic comedies.
And Justins are the life choices of someone who just woke up from a nap.
Our boy is sleepy and not ready to deal with all this.
Justin says thats all well and good, but he wants someone who will choose him without hesitation.
He also hasnt even unpacked yet.
Justin says hes going to choose himself.
Justin is on his wellness girlie going through a breakup journey.
Eliza does not like this development.
She says she flew across the country, so that should count for something!
She said sorry, cmon!
Date her!!!
Im sure well hear a lot more about this nonsense at the reunion.
Okay, before we go further yall, the commentary outside the season has absolutely dominated the conversation.
The stakes have been obliterated!
There are also a couple of late arrivals this episode.
Mara is the first to arrive on the beach in the middle of Rodneys wake.
Shes coming in with an energy that can only be described as unintentionally inappropriate.
Also … why are women always the last arrivals on the beach?
There are already more women who are loosely attached than men at this point.
Send in some hot dudes and shake this thing up.
Send a sentient LinkedIn profile in there and ruin Kates life.
Mara ends up selecting one of the twins to take on this date because theyre both Capricorns.
They get sent on another food-fetish date, and I need the freak in production to show themselves.
Kate istesting himwith her corporate-management style.
She would like to continue to see growth despite good profits in Q3.
Logans argument comes down to Could you just be nice to me?
Im trying so hard, and Im so tired.
Kate also has the audacity to say, Name a time when I was critical.
Maam, you were workshopping a tight five about Logans faults!
When asked to list Logans qualities, she starts with Hes tall and hot.
This is not entertaining!
Andrew and Ency are slurping down oysters and making out in the pool.
Gabby and Rachel are on the beach, and theyre here to dish.
Pardon my French, but Logan is absolutely shitting his pants.
They say they have no respect for Logan, which isa lot.
But I have no respect for him and I dont think hes changed?
He didnt commit bank fraud and is now trying to peddle his cryptocurrency.
Cant wait to see how Kate uses this as a pretext to deny Logan a loan.
Wedoabsolutely need to talk about Genevieve and Aarons fight.
Sure, the argument became about itching versus pain, but it started with Aaron saying, Same thing.
Might as well be about Genevieves emotions and what she was telling him.
I was trying to help!
and scolds her for raising her voice when his big ass is yelling.
hey, somebody free her!
Lets get to the big setpiece of the episode the Sadie Hawkins dance!
The main drama at the dance is manufactured solely by Jessenia.
it’s crucial that you consider the track records.
You get to a point where its not enough to commit or really explore something.
Girl, how is thatyour problem?The second you realize a guy cant commit, run.
She says he just skirted by Paradise, and he should be worried about his reputation.
Andrew has the only reasonable response: Thats how this is supposed to work!
She was just trying to make him feel bad for not choosing her.
What are you doing?
Then, when Andrew gets frustrated and doesnt leave the conversation, Ency has an even bigger meltdown.
Andrew wants to leave because fuck all this.
Ency then begs literallybegs Andrew, a man shes known less than 24 hours, to stay.
She just keeps repeating, Andrew.
Andrew keeps telling her, Dude, let me go.Girl, stand up!
We can all see you!
He just called you dude!
There isnt a superlative for the most embarrassing exit in Paradise, but I think Ency just clinched it.
Uh … see everyone next week for the finale and reunion???
?
