Bachelor in Paradise
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Bachelor in Paradiseis my favorite show on television.
(Ben The Ax Man Higginss seasonis objectively the best season of the flagship show.
But this is a summer show.
I should be drinking a frozen beverage and blasting the A/C.
This isblood-flooding-the-Red-Keeps-wallsseason, not goofy-beach-themed-sitcom-y-intros season.
Now that thats out of the way, lets get into it.
Actually, first, a programming note.
You have likely noticed that I am not Ali.
GET THESE MARRIED PEOPLE OFF THE HORNY BEACH.
(Im pregnant, so you cant make fun of my digestive issues.
)Bachelor Data reportsthat the Iaconettis got nearly twice as much screen time as anyone else on Mondays episode.
That is all I have to say about this dumb story line.
Poor Rodney is looking around for Teddi like one of those dogs who doesnt know their owner died.
This is the last good decision Rodney makes tonight.
He sidles up to Lace at the bar and immediately starts touching her arm.
Rodney, sweet Rodney, what are you doing, bud?Rodney, RUN.
This is a woman who got a matching tattoo on a first date.
This is a woman who lied about it being her birthday because she wasnt getting enough attention.
She is the definition of a hot mess.
Everyone on the beach is baffled, as am I.
Meanwhile, Genevieve pulls Justin aside to talk about their relationship for what feels like the 37th time.
Also, its his birthday.
(Side note: How many birthdays are we going to celebrate?
Is this a beach full of Geminis?
Because that actually makes a lot of sense.)
Genevievedoeskiss Justin on his birthday and then immediately freaks out about it.
Honey, you have the rose this week!
She goes to find Aaron, who has stomped off in a huff.
Genevieve and Aaron communicate marginally better than Genevieve and Justin, but thats not saying much.
Aaron calls Justin manipulative, which is like Lace calling Shanae chaotic.
Also Genevieve and Shanae are friends now?
This is true and also a bad play.
Thats not how this works, but Logan isnt the best at understanding how theshow hes on works.
Brandon and Serene go on a date.
This dude is a grade-A dweeb, but its working on her.
Theyre falling in love with each other.
Now we have to get into Sierra and Michael, and yall, its a doozy.
This is the kind of real, sad, messy shit that I live for.
Look, I get it.
I have planned weddings in my head after second dates.
But you have to keep that shit to yourself or youre gonna scare people!
Michael does alotto venture to pathologize how hes feeling.
He tells Wells that he falls too hard too fast.
Buddy, I dont think thats whats happening here.
I think she made you uncomfortable by treating your kid and late wife like a fun little thought experiment.
That is entirely fair.
But based on your own logic here, you should be the one going home, not Sierra.
Onward to night two!
She also reveals that she didnt get on THREE SEPARATE PLANES.
Does this womans vagina grant wishes or something?
Why didnt producers give up on Salley after that second missed flight?
Allegedly he was on Michelles season and he owns some pizzerias in Florida.
Brittany is not feeling it at all, and we get the second aggressively swerved kiss of the season.
Its delicious, much like pineapple on pizza.
When they get back to the beach, Peter and Brittany break off to debrief.
This man is a clown.
She says she was thinking about him during the date, and they smooch.
Andrew is a cutie and a sweetie and I love this for them.
I think these crazy kids might just make it!
Hold up, its another fucking birthday??
Michael helpfully narrates where everyone stands ahead of the rose ceremony.
He gives her his lucky beads, and she is very into it.
A man listening to what a woman says she needs from him and altering his behavior accordingly??
Anything really can happen in paradise!
Apparently she has some unfinished business with Jacob, which is just telling him that she wanted his rose.
Thats not how this works!
If you dont get a rose, you leave!!!
But at leastpretendto follow your own rules,Bachelor in Paradise!!!
The reason theyre allowing this is, of course, that it absolutely short-circuits Jill.
Anyone who cant be hypnotized by red lipstick and anime eyes can see that nothing Kiras saying is sincere.
She is a sex demon who lives for chaos.
Kira says that paradise hasnt worked out for her so far because shes too fun.
Sure, thats it.
They deserve each other.
Ive seen relationships built on less.
Its pure, stupid art and I love it.
More!!!!
!
