Bachelor In Paradise
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Bachelor in Paradise.You were my favorite.
You were a respite from the inane tedium of the main franchise.
You had it all, and you could have soared higher than the highest clouds.
But now?What the fuck is this?This isnt my beach!
All I see is the cold, manipulative hand of production.
Am I excited Justin is back?
I love that lil bearded goof.
Does it make one single lick of sense?
There are people left over after the split and the reunion.
Bring back Sierra to make out with Adam!
(There arehow manyepisodes left this season?
Are we in the middle or the end?
Who else could be coming to the beach at this point?)
So how do we fixParadise?
I have a few completely wild ideas:
Actually make someone the Bachelorette of Paradise.
Bring in people who have never been on the show before.
Whatever the solution,Paradiseas we know it cannot stand.
Lets get to it!
Its a rose ceremony??
And the women have the roses?!?
What goddamn sense does this make?
Do I have to do everything?
Here: The OG cast should have the roses.
There are 11 men and ten women, so that means one Adam will be going home.
The biggest love triangle on the beach is the Johnny-Victoria-Alex isosceles nightmare.
But in a sexy, romantic way.
Be well, Sarah.
I wish you had gotten more revenge on Logan!
Jessenia says that since the OG women came back, theres been a trail of ants in the shower.
This doesnt even make sense.
Is Serene showering with strawberry jam?
Jessenia says, Yeah, sure, theres bugs, butantsin theshower!
Thats a bridge too far.
Theres hair, theres blood, theres Aussie Moist Shampoo and Conditioner.
Its just another way to pit the women against one another for absolutely no entertainment payoff.
Elsewhere on the beach, the last-ditch rose attempts are being made.
Jacob and Shanae sit down to bond over their perfect smiles and brush each others teeth with charcoal toothpaste.
Im glad weve finally seen this scene so we can stop seeing it in the previews.
This will either be an unholy disaster or these two will get married and have 15 kids.
I see no in-between.
Victoria is such a fascinating case.
Shes wildly confident and incredibly unsure of herself at the same time.
Time for the rose ceremony.
Serene-Brandon, Danielle-Michael, Genevieve-Aaron, Kate-Logan.
That leaves Victoria to solve for X in this love triangle and Florence to just do something.
Victoria gives her rose to Johnny and Florence gives hers to Alex.Haha, okay!
Adam is leaving the beach.
Did we ever hear him speak human language?
Now its a new day in Paradise, and everyone is happily coupled up!
Johnny is not excited about Alex still being on the beach.
Here comes the first date card of the week!
They dont need the date.
Victoria says shes always been let down by people and shes scared because Johnny really likes her.
Id like the terms good enough and her clearly defined in this exercise.
Back on the beach,oh shit, Justin is back!
Jesse is acting very surprised and like he doesnt know what Justin is here to do.
Hes here to fuck shit up and take Eliza on a date, in that order.
All the guys are thrilled to see Justin before they realize hes there as an agent of chaos.
Do I think Aaron is doing the most with this set of emotions?
Also 10 million percent, but thats his right.
This leaves Aaron to self-soothe and calm Genevieve down.
Genevieve heads to a corner to sob.
No need for that, girl!
Just stop talking about your ex and his shitty personality!
The thing that no one fucking does in Paradise.
Thats not how this works.
This is some 26-year-old logic.
All love and respect to the 26-year-olds out there.
I was once one of you.
(Halloween weekend 2014.Thats all Ill say.)
I do want you to be able to explore and get the clarity that you need.
It would be hypocritical and selfish for me to tell you not to go.
Eliza wishes he threw a Gaston-style fit and forbade her from going to proclaim his love.
Eliza wipes her tears and mourns their two-day relationship and is ready to go out with Justin.
Justin looks out onto the beach, lit by the sunset, in his blouse.
Its fabulous, he looks great in it … but its ablouse.
There is no consequential information revealed on their date, and they kiss under the fireworks.
Now that weve seenthat momentfrom the promo, Im excited to never see it again.
Somewhere else on the beach, Rodney says hell do anything for Eliza.
To be continued …
