Bachelor In Paradise
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An ABC executive stares at a wall of monitors and slams down her glass of whiskey.
Why are they just lying there?
It looks like Genevieve is just passively letting a mimosa fall into her mouth.
Lace is spending all her time watching Lars von Trier films and muttering, I wish that was me.
What the hell is happening here!
I gave them Olu!
I gave them Rick!
That guy was in frickinThor!!
Her assistant meekly looks up from the ground and wipes a tear from her eye, Maam …
I think theyre being loyal to their partners.
THATS NOT WHAT FUCKING PARADISE IS ABOUT!!
She takes a second to collect herself and smooths her lapel.
Send in Latent Anxiety and Concern Executor …the LACE.
Lets get to it.
Production has absolutely no idea what we want anymore.
Michael and Danielle strolled back on the beach after the Casa de No More (how does that sound?
I am absolutely furious.
How dare production turn dear sweet gentle Rodney into a villain!!
Yeah, thats right, I said it!
This is the behavior of a villain!
This is a cursed van ride.
This is the van ride home from your speech-and-debate tournament when no one placed.
Meanwhile, the extremelyhotnew women have decided that theyre going to unhinge their jaws and swallow these men whole.
Cant fucking argue with that.
Lets check in on the Palace of Misery.
Brandon makes sure that everyone is hydrated and has a ride home.
None of that took long at all.
None of the women at the Casa de No More are angry enough for me.
Everyone is full-body weeping about a guy they met probably five days ago.
Lace is saying she could see herself getting engaged to Rodney and falling in love outside of this.
Thats the absolute wrong order for that and you just met him.
Jill is saying that she wanted to spend the week showing Jacob her vulnerable side.
Is vulnerable side code for pussy?
Because I dont think hes interested in anything else.
None of these women should be crying because theres nothing to cry about.
The longest time before this was four hours.
Let Serene out of isolation.
Reunite her with her true love.
He calls in FIVE OF THE ABSOLUTE HOTTEST DUDES THAT HAVE EVER GRACED THIS FRANCHISE.
Alex (from Rachel Lindsays season)???
Tyler (who I am weirdly attracted to.
Doesnt matter, Im into that little New Jersey devil)????
These should have been the first men on the beach.
These are the money bets.
You put them on top.
Brittany is very into Tyler, but shes wondering what Andrew is doing back on the beach.
He knows that Brittany is the same way.
SMASH CUT to Brittany and Tyler making out in the pool.
Just remember, all it took was one successfulParadiserun to secure Nick Vialls place as The Bachelor.
This is a new lesson hes learned.
He says that he knows Shanae is feeling the same way.
SMASH CUT to Shanae getting a date card and asking Tyler out.
I hope this teeny little Ferris wheel operator kisses every woman in the Casa de No More.
And weve got to skip it so we have time to set the stage for Jills impending breakdown.
Jacob says that hes never woken up thinking about Jill and he only wakes up thinking about Kate.
Meanwhile, Jill is weeping in bed, touching her crystals and begging for mercy.
Later, Jill incoherently rambles and completely cock-blocks Tyler and Shanae.
Im rooting for Shanae to get laid.
What has come over me?
Lets check in with some of the other couples separated by distance and production.
Aaron has decided that he wants to be a good guy and is going to respect Genevieve.
They realize that theyre bothhuuuuuge nerdsbut no one can see that because theyre both super-hot and have amazing bodies.
Jessenia likes video games!
Rodney and Eliza head out on a date and this is so cute.
Theyre so smitten with each other but man, oh man, I wish this was all above board.
No one in the control room is calibrating how we should be feeling about this.
Lace has decided that shes had enough of this bullshit and wants to see Rodney again.
No one is putting any boundaries on Wells and he needs a couple.
Lace walks through the service hallway of the Estates and gets in an SUV to confront Rodney.
She arrives at the resort and starts asking questions that no one can answer.
Questions like Where is Rodney?
and What is he doing?
The men absolutely refuse to answer her questions in any way that uses human language to relay information.
She asks what Rodneys mood has been like and they say, What question are you asking exactly?
Lace asks if Rodney misses her and the guys say, Objection!
Brandon asks if the other women are coming back no fewer than 15 times.
He misses his wife so badly.
