Bachelor In Paradise
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The time has come for the Rilenaissance and I am HERE FOR IT.
It was unfair to bring Riley in because … look at his whole thing.
Riley was already a fucking stud on the desert season, but now?
This man is unstoppable.
I was at home, on my couch, squealing in delight.
IsBachelor in Paradisegenuinely horny again?
Because I am THRILLED.
So, my kingdom for a thousand Rileys.
Lets get to it.
I cant believe we have to start somewhere other than the entrance of Riley.
I need Titus Burgess to enter singing And Im telling youuuuuuIm your new guest host!
The guest host is Lance Bass and Im perfectly fine with this.
Thats where the bar is and hes sailing over it.
Kenny says the boy band he manages would only be able to exist because of Lance Bass.
All Kenny has is because of Lance Bass.
The men are more concerned that Thomas from Katies season might show up.
Hes going to show up.
Of course he is.
Thats how this game show works.
They figure out what would make you have the worst time and then give you that.
Im still waiting for Tres hot uncle to saunter down the steps and trap Tre in a love isosceles.
The arrival of Thomas has all the men from Katies season FIRED UP.
They are so incredibly pissed that a hot guy they dont like is on the beach with them.
Meanwhile, every womans neck has snapped off their bodies from craning it to look at Thomas.
Demi!If youre such a little troublemaker, go climb all 66 of Thomas!
This is your moment!
But instead, Thomas takes basically every woman aside and asks them if they know how tall he is.
Hes 66, has he mentioned that yet?
He keeps taking naps to keep the bad feelings away.
All I was thinking was Who the fuck is Leo?
Thomas takes his shirt off and we see it in slow motion.
Thomas toasts to the side pickle and Serena P asks him so why does everyone hate your fucking guts?
Thats slightly dick-ish but permissibleBachelorettebehavior.
Back in Paradise, RILEY IS ARRIVING.
He has been doing bicep curls since the day he left the New Mexico desert.
The women line up on a daybed for the mere privilege of being gazed upon by this delicious man.
I saw Wells perched on that daybed.
The men are finally worried about this new arrival because Riley is a decent person and jacked as hell.
Thank goodness this 35-year-old man can continue to date this 23-year-old.
Thomas asks what was the feedback and Tahzjuan says that youre a liar and you manipulate and mislead everyone.
She says hes about to have a very bad time.
No one asked for this.
Not even the audience.
Thomas should just take his shirt off and pose in the water.
Thats all I want from him.
Tre appreciates the accountability-sounding language but he wont believe it until he sees some different actions.
And again, thats not whats about to happen.
We know how reality TV works.
Good for you, Tre.
Its time for Riley and Maurissas date and her titties are OUT.
I completely forgot she was even with Connor because those titties say she did too.
Riley and Maurissa get the joke date!!!!!
Give them something cute, damn it.
They have to answer a probing question or take a bite of some animal parts.
All of the animal parts featured would actually taste good if they were braised in a chili broth.
None of the questions are that mortifying and they both wont answer, What was your most embarrassing moment?
Cmon, weve all read aYMmagazine.
Just say your period bled through your pants or you puked on a roller coaster.
Then the questions start to get sexier and they feed each other the offal.
Maurissa says she masturbates every day and yes, bitch.
Meanwhile, Connors corny ass is still playing the ukulele.
She can tell something is wrong and he wont actually name it or own up to it.
I wonder if hell still get a hot edit when all that goes down.
She also talks about gaining weight because of what sounds like some bad relationships.
I simply did not know how to interpret this conversation.
It doesnt make it easier or less depressing to hear 200-and-something pounds as a nightmare weight scenario.
Probably the most depressing part is that this show hasnt featured anyone who wasnt an absolute thin knockout.
(What does that mean?)
Connor who?!??!??!?!
?
