Bachelor In Paradise
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and By time, who is the main character ofParadise?
Look at me, a lil mathematician.
So what was I trying to find out?
The average age of our engaged couples, and yall, itsbleak.
When it comes to the men, the average age is 35.6666666667.
And the average age of the women is 24.333333333334.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?!?!?
Would you look at that?
Its me being a lil mathematician again.
The beach is not for you.
Let me be VERY clear I am EXTREMELY happy for Riley and Maurissa.
And all three women who made it to the final engagements were women of color!
But before we can get into these engagements, were still at prom?!?!?!?
WHAT YEAR IS IT?
I dont remember anyone crying at my prom.
That was the vibe at my prom.
Noah asks Abigail if they can continue their chat.
The idea of calling a breakup a chat makes me want to throw up.
Mind if I borrow you for a chinwag about us going our separate ways?
Yeah, girl … we saw that part.
Which I dont think he owes anyone?
Mari says, He just dumped her and bounced, and yeah … thats how it works sometimes.
Abigail says Noah is just running from how he feels and using his gut feelings as an excuse.
Everyone else makes Abigail and Noahs breakup about them, which feels prom-appropriate.
Its time for the cocktail party!
Wells enters and says that everyone should have had their important conversations at prom instead of sucking face.
And finally, Ed gives his rose to Mykenna because who cares, why not?
Chelsea and Natasha are going home.
WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
TWO CERTIFIED HOTTIES AND ONE ACTUAL RUNWAY MODEL IS BEING SENT HOME?!???!?!
We have made many mistakes in our time together, but this is the most baffling.
Natasha for Bachelorette and give Chelsea a subscription to Raya.
Do you have to pay for Raya?
Im neither single nor famous enough to get on Raya.
I dont even have a blue check.
Also despite any on-camera training for Dean.
Paradise is officially over.
There are no more dates, no more arrivals, just SERIOUS CONVERSATIONS.
Youre either leaving Paradise as an engaged couple or you go home alone.
This part ofParadiseis always phoned in.
Give us something exciting to look at.
Give us a mechanism to guide us through this segment.
I want a giant doll to ask each couple to stand before her and confess their intentions.
Give me aSquid Game!
Then these fucking couples start dropping like flies.
Hes too good to be true and a little phony!
Thomas tries to cry and hes so very bad at it.
Ed is all in, but Mykenna is like, Im sorry, whats happening now?
Oh, no thank you!
Ed tries to talk Mykenna out of it and starts every sentence with, Yeah … but?
Its a card with half a joke I just cant figure out.
Youre gonna talk to me right here?
Aaron is a nightmare, and I do not enjoy him.
Tia says, Fuck this place.
See ya never, Paradise, and I always enjoy her.
Rileys face during James and Aarons ride into the sunset is PRICELESS.
So were down to the exact three couples we all could have predicted were going into the fantasy suites.
Also, Dean says they might ask each other are you ready to get engaged?
and Caelynn says yes.
Each of the fantasy-suite conversations is pretty tame.
First of all, isnt that what every woman wants to hear?
You were totally chill around my ex, so thats when I knew I liked you!
And secondly … Kendall aint gone, yall.
Mari says shes totally ready to get engaged because she doesnt want to go clubbing all the time.
I would like her to say less about that.
Riley and Maurissa have the sweetest conversation in which Riley tells her more about his Sunday-morning fantasy.
The camera cuts to Maurissa and shes sitting at the table in a wedding dress.
The next morning, everyone is feeling good … except Riley and Maurissa.
HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!
Maurissa breaks down, and theBachelorproducers are behind the camera positively salivating.
Its time for the final Rose Ceremony and ritualistic proposal altar.
First up is Kenny and Mari.
Mari comes to the altar wearing a beautiful floral column gown and amazing hair.
Their relationship had its ups and downs, but she changed his outlook on everything.
Hes shaking as he gets down on one knee to propose, and she says yes!
She might not know his last name, but she says yes!!
Up next is Riley and Maurissa.
Theyre both nervous, and theyre holding each other by the forearm.
Maurissa says that her life has been full of letdowns and disappointments and being in love is scary.
RILEY IS SMILING SO HARD LISTENING TO HER.
He fakes her out ONE MORE TIME, but then gets down on one knee and proposes!
Riley acts like he bought the ring!!
Its time for our final couple.
Do we have to?
Because whoever talked whoever into letting Kendall back on the beach one more time should be fined.
My 23-year-old girlfriend is coming soon.
But Serena finally makes her way to the beach wearing a white satin gown.
She is READY to be a bride.
They got through their obstacles together (read: Kendall) and shes ready to leave Paradise with him.
Joe tells her that Kendall did show up, and Serenas response is Youre lying!
Forever always seemed scary, but with her, it feels right.
Theyre engaged!!!
See you all for Michelles season!
!
