Bachelor In Paradise
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You look outside your window and the leaves are starting to change.
The seasonal drinks at coffee shops are an unholy mix of pumpkin, maple sugar, and apple-cider doughnut.
Thats right, the fucking coffee tastes like a doughnut.
No, Hailey is not that one, so I dont know which one she is.
And for the rest of us out here in the real world, its too late.
Winter is coming, but not in … MEXICO!
Also, let me be the first to say that I think Jesse will actually succeed as aParadisehost.
Hes at his best when hes a little disgusted and confused by whats happening around him.
Think about Jesse vehemently rejecting Meatball being covered in sauce.
Thats the Jesse thatParadiseneeds.
Mark my words, we will all slightly accept Jesse by the end of this season.
Lets get to it.
Its time for a clip package from the tenderest pieces of Wagyu on the beach.
Weve got Hunter from Claytons season, who appears sitting on a toilet.
Theres more to you than your IBS.
Do you like to knit or something?
Johnny from the combined Gabchel season does a rap about fy;iuyghifdky.
I fully blacked out and my head hit the keyboard.
Oh look, Serene is here!
Shes got her eye on Brandon and shes a teacher?
Then there are the Doing Too Much Twins: Kira and Jacob.
Jacob is famous for not wearing any clothes and hell be looking for a woman with a nice peach.
Kira is too old for whatever shes doing.
Genevieve is headed to the beach and shes worried about Shenae, so of course Shenae is coming.
Its time for everyone to arrive on the beach, and Serene is first.
She is some high-octane cute.
Everyone has moved on, and if Clayton strolled down the stairs, hed be met with stone-faced silence.
Bring on the new hotties!
Lets break down some dynamics.
Andrew immediately has eyes for Teddi.
(And it seems like theyve met or talked before this season.
Remember when that was a sin?)
Johnny is down to drink tequila and have fun.
No one knows who Casey is.
His only identifying characteristic is that hes a geriatric millennial.
Jacob arrives in a leaf thong, and Shenae arrives right as Genevieve is talking shit about her.
Genevieve says that Shenae goes for all the guys that she likes.
Justin arrives and delivers some classic faces before he even hits the beach.
Genevieve is flabbergasted to see Justin and they chat about whether narwhals are real.
Then Justin utters the absolutely iconic line, Pears are super-underrated.
Lace arrives on the beach.
Shes 32, flirty too, and thriving too.
She walks in and no one notices her or says hi to her.
She even says Hi a couple times.
Brandon arrives and Serene melts down.
Theres a flurry of matchups and side conversations, but these hos are moving FAST on this beach.
Shenae and Jacob are making out.
Brandon and Serene are nervous and flirty with each other and theyre smooching!
I hope we get one sweet, wholesome love story out of this seas
Oh fuck.
Unforced error, Romeo.
Have you ever seen a half-drunk drink on a table and thought, Oh boy, thats for me?
Its either a power move or the contagion point of a new virus that will rip through the beach.
You dont have to do this.
This always ends up well.
Its time for the evening portion of day one, and Jacob finally put some clothes on.
Theres a date card for Andrew and he picks Teddi.
If you spot Brandon in the background, hes so jazzed for new love!
On their date, theres a giant margarita thats sitting there like Chekovs Hot Tub.
Andrew is so amazed by Teddis aura and the confidence she exudes that he keeps getting tongue-tied.
Teddi says that Andrew is the personification of joy.
I hope these crazy kids are gonna make it.
Back on the beach, Genevieve and Justin have their first smooch.
Meanwhile, Lace has retired to her sleeping chambers because no one is interested in her.
Well, shes 32.
Thats probably the biggest issue on the beach.
Lace decides to take a completely different strategy and tell everyone that her birthday is tonight.
It is not her birthday.
She tells her old pal Wells and he agrees to keep her secret.
She uses this ruse to take Logan aside.
He asks her how old she is and forgets her name.
He calls her Luce, and hes a little stunned that shes offended.
Lace comforts herself by cupping Caseys chest and getting an awkward little smooch from him.
Its back to the Romeo-Jill drama.
O, was there ever a tale of woe such as Jilliet and her Romeo?
She tells him she doesnt want words, she wants action.
That means a smooch.
Thats the most basic of romantic actions!
Okay, thats good.
Bitch, about what?
Kira says, What is your fucking problem with me?
You keep avoiding me intentionally.
Jill doesnt know what is happening and is losing her mind.
Dear God, who taught these people this word?
But he doesnt because that is an action that would require a backbone.
Kira runs off with Casey and is rubbing his nipples.
Kira is doing the absolute most, but I dont think anyone is interested.
Its the next morning and everyones nipples are sore.
Huh, interesting …
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK IN PARADISE!!
!
