Vulnerability and camp humor coexist on the xx singers solo debut,Hideous Bastard.
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Such exchanges fascinate Sim.
Interviews are an opportunity to try and present the best version of yourself, he tells me.
Wearing a mask, in some way.
Im quite enjoying interviews at the moment, he says.
He was ready to release the song, but his mom recommended he tell others about his status first.
The band kind of gives me everything I need.
Do I have the nerve to do it?
Ill tell you what, it took a while to call it my own record.
I was just writing songs.
I want to bring new ideas to the table.
I want my own identity.
The first record I did with the band, thats an album of love songs.
And when we wrote that as teenagers, I hadnt been in love.
But onI See You, those two songs are very much from a place of experience.
I think fiction can teach me so much about the world, just as much as documentary film.
When stuff is delivered to me in a package that is shouting at me, This is honest!
my instant reaction will, most of the time, be, Bullshit.
I knew I was making a record that was honest and it was revealing.
I just didnt want to shout that, I suppose.
I think pride and celebration are the most useful tools ever.
But for me, I havent made this record to beat myself up or make myself feel any worse.
The opposite talking about these things to feel more at ease with myself.
Which feeds into the whole shame of it all.
You know I dont want to perpetuate the idea of a self-loathing gay man.
This is, for me, a gay man trying to feel more at ease with himself.
It doesnt sound like self-loathing to me because theres joy that comes later on the album.
Its a good mix of things.
It sounds more real.Ive started going to gigs again recently.
But its a little alienating.
Its a little unrelatable sometimes.
I did not feel like I could do this today.That would mean more to me in that moment.
That seemed like a side process that took a while.
My way of dealing with it was control.
Im managing this.And there were still people in my life that didnt know.
And she also knows that it wouldve been, in my head, a much easier thing to do.
Its much easier for me to be honest in songwriting than it is in a conversation.
And I started working my way further and further out of my inner circle.
Because me trying to control it, like, its controlling me.
[Then], I was meeting people for the first time and having conversations about it.
I made a film where I played Hideous in front of lots of people I didnt know.
Who knows who they couldve gone on and told?
By the time Hideous came out, in my head, it was already out in the world.
It didnt feel like this huge reveal.
So, mum, she did good!
But its still with me.
I am not a finished product.
But it was also a liberating thing.
Ive had no moments in my life that have been like a lightbulb switch, like suddenly Im free!
And I do stand behind that.
But speaking for myself, it was also a real insecurity there.
Im gentle on my younger self.
Im like,Okay, maybe that wasnt time.But each of our records, its not a shared perspective.
And it felt right to go into that.
I think a listener doesnt have to be queer, doesnt have to share that experience.
They have enough imagination to relate to a feeling.
I thought about so many different poetic ways I could say HIV.
But more veiled.And then I was like,The whole idea of doing that is feeding into shame.
Its more important for me to actually just say it as it is.
There is a song called Unreliable Narrator, which is pretty inspired by a monologue inAmerican Psycho.
It was striking to me.
What made you want to do that?I enjoy performance.
I enjoy theater, I really enjoy showmanship.
Give me some showmanship, give me some entertainment.
And I also wanted to push myself.
My bass guitar is my shield, its my weapon, it keeps me safe.
In the live show, I only play it on two or three songs.
Its been really hard to put it down, but Ive been learning stuff.
I want to talk more about collaboration.
Superficially, I think he has just the best voice in the world.
He is one of my favorite singers, and I wanted that beauty.
Also, I just wanted the emotional support of having him on it.
Hes somebody that Ive always perceived as being so fearless.
Hes full of fear.
Which makes everything hes done so much more cool, so much more meaningful.
Which has taught me more than if he had just been a fearless person!
Hes really fucking funny.
And hes been through shit.
More experienced queer artists all have that, and I love it.
And theres so much on this record that we havent met in the middle.
Jamies come into my world.
Like, Ive leant into a lot of horror Jamie doesnt like horror.
Also, hes a straight man!
And hes gotten involved in conversations [about sexuality].
I love that guy.
I keep going back specifically to the line, Even Romeo dies in the final scene.
Is that Romeo you?
Its a horror movie, how I see it.
Sonically, I think its the most joyful song on the record, and is very playful.
But yeah, thats the note I wanted to end on.
Thinking about Hitchcocks birds, like,Why did the birds do this?
Where is the explanation, where is the Disney bow to this?That is scary to me.
I think thats what is keeping this song in my head, hearing you say that.
And I think thats why Ive been chewing on it for so long.Good!
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
