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A siren emerges from angry waters.
Behind the sea-witch, a tall pole emerges from the water bearing the McDonalds logo.
As far as the VIPs of Christmas go,Mariah Careyis right up there with Rudolph and Jesus.
I command-Fd Christmas on Careys Wikipedia page (because I am a very serious researcher).
Carey doesnt just rest on her laurels, either.
She continues to put out Christmas content.
When Carey deems it Christmastime, its Christmastime.
Last year, she had a star-studded holiday special.
Mine is the Cheeseburger, and I get it with extra pickles.
A woman of taste.
We love Cheeseburger as a proper noun.
Her menu sounded like an advent calendar from gastrointestinal hell.
Whatever item she chose from Santas factory farm that day would be free with a $1 purchase.
Diet Cokes at McDonalds are $1 exactly.
This was proof of intelligent design and divine presence.
Its a clever promotion, the free giveaway element of it making Carey seem downright philanthropic.
Still, I felt slightly disappointed that there were no new menu items introduced for this.
They could have, at the very least, renamed some things.
Carey is a wordsmith.
Now thatSondheim is dead, she might be our best living lyricist.
Mariah Carey really rhymed secret rendezvous with wendy interviewpic.twitter.com/RBzWRT1N5I
This would be an easy assignment to say yes to.
Ilove Christmas.I love divas.
I live mere steps away from a McDonalds that never has a broken Diet Coke machine.
Twelve Days of McDonalds would be my own personal jolly happyDantes Inferno,each day a new circle.
It would be Fast Food Journalism As Endurance Sport.
.Day 1: Big Mac
.
A poignant little visual metaphor, likebad McNugget NFT art.
My dad is very difficult to shop for.
Mr. Hankey is another Christmas icon of the 90s, hisSouth Parkepisode debuting only three years after CareysMerry Christmasalbum.
But after scooping some of it off, I could taste the McChicken underneath.
In this era of elevated fast-food fried-chicken sandwiches, the McC still holds up.
I didnt win a hat, but I did receive a cinnamon bun with my purchase of a coffee.
(Contrary tosomepopular belief, McDonalds coffee is a nonentity, a nothing.
It gives one caffeine.
It tastes of absence.
It at least had a cute holiday cup.
It looked like a better item, anyway.
There was a beeping sound of unknown provenance or meaning.
Why doesnt it get the artists it partners with to rerecord the jingle?
Anyway, the nuggets were divine.
It was Friday, December 17, and things were getting depressing out here.
Omicron was (and at time of writing, is) surging through New York.
I knew I didnt have COVID because I could still taste the processed oil.
New@MariahsCookiesflavors for the holiday!
All of these present a sad simulation of a themed restaurant experience.
Wouldnt it be fun to actuallygoto aFamily Feudthemedrestaurant with games and a terrifying animatronic Steve Harvey?
Remember when branding was tangible and had gift shops?
Now, you just get mildly themed packaging.
The gingerbread cookie was dry and the chocolate raspberry truffle was medicinal.
Best of the bunch was the sugar cookie, but none of these would outperform a Tates.
The Holiday Hits came with the aforementioned three cookies, two of each.
This item is for true stans and lambs only.
I got an fault signal every time I tried to enter the Mariah deal.
I want a holiday too, she said over a prerecorded whistle tone.
Can I not have one?
.Day 9: McMuffin
No one told me McDonalds stopped doing all-day breakfast.
I couldnt even get the sandwich.
Would Carey have agreed to do this promotion if she was at a different body size?
Is it problematic for me to even be thinking about this?
And is it any worse than the flip side?
Celebrities have been entwined in boththe diet and foodindustries for decades.
Its Jason Alexander, who has done bothMcDonaldsandJenny Craigads.
The two are 25 years apart and eerily similar.
I do love McMuffins, though.
You onlythinkyou want a fountain Diet Coke every day until you forget what water tastes like.
Specifically, I wanted whateverEncantotoy came with the Happy Meal.
Its probably why I keep writing about these celebrity collabs: Theyre themed Happy Meals for stunted adults.
I also realized I was given a stale-ass, crusty-assEternalstoy.
What child wants to play with Ikaris, the PG-13 superhero who ponders moral relativism and has chaste missionary?
Side note: If you want to see some truly abysmal animation, watch Mariah Careys 2017 animated special.
Its worse than aMerge Mansion ad.
But, really, this feels truer to the spirit of a Mariah Carey Christmas.
Shehas famously claimedthat she sleeps for 15 hours each night with 20 humidifiers running.
I couldnt picture the chanteuse getting up at the crack of dawn for a free biscuit.
But thats okay; this day could still be made Mariah-ful.
Then I sawJoan Didion had passed away.
Joan Didion, who elevated the art of the journalistic essay.
I write things like The mayo tasted wet.
.Day 12: Chocolate-Chip Cookies
I spent Christmas Eve with my friends family.
I sawSnoop Doggswine andWiz Khalifasgin.
I knew which bus to take if I wanted to find meadbrewed by a Sprouse twin.
But what I couldnt find was Mariah Careys Black Irish Cream.
In lieu of McDonalds cookies, my friends sister made chocolate-chip cookies from scratch.
This made me think that its never too late to make a Christmas tradition …
I just dont think daily McDonalds visits will be mine.
Did this promotion get me to bring up the McDonalds app for 12 days straight?
Yes, as was surely the intended goal.
But it mostly reminded me that McDonaldss American menu remains confoundingly boring and sparse.
(Theres a reason it wasnt Mariahs Menu Month.
)Where are the experimental limited-run items of the 90s and 2000s?
The salad shakers, the fruit-and-yogurt parfaits?
In my native Canada, McDonalds has breakfast bagels, six different types of wraps, and poutine.
Wheres that variety here?Does BTS have to do everything?
?McDonalds should take a lesson from its erstwhile business partner Mariah Careys 2018 albumCautionand proceed with none.
Because the shtick is getting old and Im running out of new things to say about the same burger.
2022 is already promising more interesting things in the ridiculous field of celeb fast foodery.
Both of these seem more involved, more fun, and, hopefully, more delicious.
The Industry Babies are coming.
