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Money cant buy you class at least according to (former) Countess Luann de Lesseps.
But you know what it can buy you?
Yup, Im talking about the many, many songs made by the stars of BravosReal Housewivesfranchise.
From wannabe actresses and singers, to socialites and even dancers like the legendaryCamille Donatacci weve seen it all.
Real instruments and vocal talent may be in short supply, but that hasnt stopped our girls.
Not allHousewivessongs are destined for greatness.
Some have more of a novelty factor, while others aim much higher and want to be taken seriously.
Some have become memes orgone viral years lateron TikTok.
Its a very mixed bag that shares crimes against graphic design in its singles cover art.
InVulturesofficial ranking, we have considered onlyHousewivessongs that appeared on the show.
But dont worry, there are stilla lotof other songs left.
But either way, its a thumbs-down.
Stick to the drama, Jersey Girls!
What Do I Want for Christmas?
Real Housewives of New Yorkcast
Season 13 ofRHONYwas, by all estimates, a total disaster.
Fans will remember an argument over who wouldreallyprofit from this songs royalties; lawyers were even consulted.
Lets hope this effort is better!
Unfortunately for our eardrums, however, Rossis determination to make music seems to be unbreakable too.
In season eight ofRHOC, Rossi staged a romantic proposal.
Which is just as well because this song kind of sucks.
She even won a Grammy in 2000 for co-writing TLCs No Scrubs.
You better watch yourself before you get checked, he warned her during the argument.
Whitfield clapped back, Who gon check me, boo?
In 2011, Whitfield brought the quote back in this diss track about her onscreen nemesis, NeNe Leakes.
Havent Loved Right Kandi
This song is straight out of a 90s rom-com.
Its a real song, too, that takes itself seriously.
But as with her previous effort, this track feels easily forgettable.
The narrative of the song is Miss Lawrence calling out a closeted lover.
You wanna act like you dont know me when were out in public, he sings.
Im not your closet freak.
Otherwise, its easily skipped.
Rockstar Melissa Gorga
There are forgettable songs and then there is Rockstar, by Melissa Gorga.
But Gorgas effort sounds like it cost about $1 to make and sadly, thats being kind.
This song is very much part of theHousewivesmusical subgenre of tracks based on drama from the show.
In the video, Moore mocks her onscreen rivals and even gives us a Single Ladies parody.
Watch out, Beyonce!
But after appearing in season 11 ofRHOC, it qualifies.
Dreamcatcher is unlike mostHousewivessongs because its a full-on rock track.
The song is so catchy itdistracted Andy Cohenhimself from a performance ofHamilton.Now thats talent!
And its good to see these girls inherited their mothers passion for rock and roll.
The general gist is that everyone is so obsessed with the formerRHOAstar that they simply cant stop Googling her.
The chorus is pretty catchy well, as catchy as someone spelling outG-O-O-G-L-E-M-Eto music can be.
Still, Tardy for the Party this song aint.
Despite its iconic premise and single art, its average at best.
Sorry, Countess, Viva La Diva is getting skipped!
I Just Wanna Melissa Gorga
This club banger sees Gorga do her very best J.Lo cosplay.
Here, Santino Noir fills the role of discount-store Pitbull (minus Mr. Against all odds, itdoesmake me want to dance.
Flatline Porsha Williams
This song, by one ofRHOAsmost controversial stars, is definitely a grower.
Dare I say it, there are hints of OneRepublics Apologize and Jordin Sparkss No Air going on here.
The thing is, I See You doesnt really go anywhere.
Its inoffensive, but unlikeButter Knifegate, orSalad Tossgate, its pretty easy to forget.
And surprisingly, it works!
Its not breaking musical boundaries, but its a solid track.
And, well, the results arent half bad!
All I can say about the rest is thank goodness for auto-tune.
On Display was her first contribution to this subgenre, and its still her best.
But is it a bop?
Waking Up in the Morning was performed by a 10-year-old Gia in season three ofRHONJ.
So Gias much-memed song is more than deserving of its spot on this list.
Girl Code Countess Luann
No actual saxophones were harmed in the making of Girl Code I promise!
so How Many Fucks definitely suits her.
(Even if that probably makes it a tough listen for the plane-crash victims her husband allegedly defrauded.)
It wouldnt seem out of place in Gwen Stefanis L.A.M.B.
Coffee & Love Ashley Darby
This songshouldntwork.
Coffee & Love is also about her scandal-embroiled ex, Michael Darby, whom she isfinallydivorcing this year.
But here it is in the top ten.
Coffee & Love has this infectious happiness, a thumping bass, and (dare I say it?)
a slightly reggae dance vibe, which, against all odds, works.
Its also very true that coffee and lovedotaste best when hot we stan relatability.
Feel the Rush Adriana de Moura
Welcome to Miami, baby!
Its a little bit Shakira, a little bit Jennifer Lopez, anda lotfabulous.
Its a song that feels made for circuit parties and muscle gays sniffing poppers in harnesses.
(Its just too badBethenny Frankel wasnt a fan.)
Feelin Jovani Countess Luann
Feelin Jovani was born from one of the most iconic moments inHousewiveshistory.
During theRHONYseason-ten finale, an absolutely furious Dorinda Medley screamed Jovani!
at de Lesseps during her first Countess and Friends cabaret show.
The song tells the story of her spiral into partying and has a catchy, trumpetlike hook.
All-Star Housewives Lisa Rinna and Cynthia Bailey guest star in the video alongside Andy Cohen its full-onCharlies Angelscosplay.
All that aside, XXPEN$IVE is an undeniably great song.
(In fact, the video looks so expensive that she has barely released any music since.)
This song is where Jaynes signature nasal vocals are at their best.
Chic Cest La Vie Countess Luann
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Countess speaking.
The song works because its lyrics are, frankly, completely ridiculous.
Its all about drinking Champagne, eating caviar, limousines, diamonds, and living a fantasy chic lifestyle.
Basically, the whole thing is a mess, whichsomehowworks?
Drive Back is the perfect aughts-inspired bop for the nostalgic moment were living through right now.
It would make the ideal first-dance song for Bennifer, everyones favorite chaotic on-and-off couple.
The making of Money Cant Buy You Class was rather excruciatingly documented on season three ofRHONY.
And really, its core message is that, for everyone, elegance is learned, my friends.
