The Bachelorette
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My dear friends, Im back and ready to dive in.
But before we get into the meat of the episode, I need a moment to celebrate.
We did it, Joe (Biden, not Mr. Basketball)!
We have a Black Bachelorette with an all-Black final four!
Black family hometowns!Clap clap!Black family hometowns!Clap clap!What a moment.
When I said us, I was pointing to the back of my hand.
Its a parade of Nathans fromInsecure,and I love that for Michelle.
Lets get to it.
The Bacheloretteshould be hosted and produced exclusively by children!
Luke, Kelsey, Ahmed, and Jayleen are stars and royalty.
They know what the people want.
Theyre willing to get us some amazing produced moments with these men.
We did not tolerate any follow-up questions or other suggestions.
The aquarium is a perfect place for a date.
Michelles students have made her drawings and written her letters about how much she deserves love.
They want to know who the bad guys are.
Have any of you been grounded?
Nayte immediately tries to do a handstand to impress the children.
They can smell desperation.
They can smell who wants it too much.
Kelsey says that Olu is warmhearted, and she thinks that Nayte would be good to play basketball with.
Uh oh, girl, I have some footage to show you.
Martin immediately starts talking to the literal children like hes in the VIP section of an ultralounge.
They do not want to hear about the intimate and romantic moments youve had with Michelle.
She teaches them fractions!
Youre wearing too much cologne and irritating Ahmeds allergies!
We can all agree that hes just absolutely acceptable and fine.
Hes like Krunk with less personality.
Michelle and Clayton head to the Bell Museum after dark, and this is the coolest date.
Hes advancing at a rapid rate for a human of his size and age.
Youre going to have so much more time when youre the Bachelor.
Shes just following her heart.
Then we spend an outrageous amount of time with Clayton as he leaves the show.
Luke just wants to know if he can come to Mr. Claytons eventual wedding with his sister.
Is your sister between the ages of 20 and 29 with a valid U.S. passport?
He hasnt cried in years, but these fifth-graders crayon scribbled words have moved him to tears.
Well see you in a few months if the internet hasnt already ruined your season.
Its time for the group date.
Michelle is really straining to make the activities on the farm feel metaphoric.
Are you willing to get your hands dirty for love?
Giving a bottle to a tiny calf?
Nurturing men are sexy.
Uhh … changing diapers?
Yeah, that checks out.
When it comes to the farm, Rodney keeps calling every cow Bessie and constantly narrates milking the cow.
Joe is a baby cow whisperer.
Tiny cows are walking up to him and lowering their heads in reverence.
Its also revealed that Rodney has a secret handshake with Michelle after making another secret handshake with Ahmed.
This man is high octane adorable, and I fucking love it.
Its the last group after-party, and the mood is tense.
Michelle knows that these guys should be the most vulnerable theyve ever been.
Ricks tells her he doesnt have any doubts in a complete whisper.
Rodney tells her how much he wants her to meet his family and see where he came from.
She clearly hasnt worked through that, and shes a little defensive.
When hes with Michelle, he tells her how he loves that she handles herself like a woman.
Also, what the fuck does that mean?
Olu decides to tell Michelle about what Martin is saying when shes not around.
It just reinforces how Michelle has been feeling about Martin.
Martin does not clear things up.
Martins defense is Am I even allowed to defend myself?
Rick tells the other guys, Theyre definitely arguing.
Martin says theres a difference between having insecurities and being insecure.
Which one is Michelle?
Also, let her finish a sentence, like.
But those arent negative things if you look at how Martin wants you to.
Martin says, I apologize for maybe speaking over you.
This is not even fun villainry.
Oh, is it a decentralized public ledger, Chet?
Michelle walks Martin out.
Martin sucks, and I do not like him.
Nayte gets the group date rose.
Its time for Brandons one-on-one date!
Theyre heading outside of Minneapolis to Stillwater, Minnesota, where Michelle grew up.
Lets see … Stillwater Lumberjack Days.
Michelle has a lot of chemistry with the guys left, but Michelle has rom-com energy with Brandon.
They head to Michelles childhood house, and Brandon smooches her very excitedly in the car.
Hes ready to meet the parents, but theyre away.
So instead, theyre going to finger bang in the hot tub.
Michelles parents, fully micd, arrive back home.
So you better get dressed, young man, and tell us how much you love our daughter.
Put that boner away!
Michelle says she liked how much Brandon trusted her.
He wants three kids, and Michelles mom is in love with him.
Brandon asks for a little alone time with Michelles parents and takes a moment to ask for their blessing.
Bold and kinda weird move, Brandon.
But this man isserious.
He makes uninterrupted eye contact with Michelles parents to ask for their blessing.
Shes not wearing the bracelet!
She is not the chosen one!
Brandon tells her that hes falling in love with her, and he advances past Nayte on the board.
They make out aggressively and slow dance by the highway.
The cocktail party is canceled.
The guys arevery scared.
There are six guys without roses and only two roses left to give out this rose ceremony.
Joe gets the first rose, and Rodney gets the second.
But at the same time oh no, Olu and Rick!
My emotions are on a roller coaster.
Olu tells her that she helped him grow.
Rick says something in a full and total whisper, so I dont really catch it.
Something about how Michelle changed him and he loved the journey.
Thats all I can make out.
But wow, this really is Michelles School for Wayward F-Boys.
Get this child a producer credit.
See you next week for hometowns!
!
