The Bachelorette
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A frustrated ABC executive stands in front of a chalkboard covered in numbers and scribbles and incomplete equations.
She wipes her brow and drags a big swipe of chalk dust across her forehead.Why cant I do this?
You, she sneers at a bookish mathematician sitting in the corner.
Get your ass over here.
The mathematician looks up from his kindle edition ofThe Wedding Date.Yes, you.
The mathematician slowly gets up and stares at the chalkboard.
The numbers look less like numbers and more like hieroglyphics.
The equations are like sentences in a foreign language.
Thisjust doesnt look right.
Maam, if I may … what are you trying to solve for?
You see, its just … um …
I mean … how … how are we going to do this?
Okay … well … thats not math.
Lets get to it.
The sun continues to shine on Girlie Season, and apparently, no one has thought this through.
Will the women give out two roses?
Will they have double one-on-one dates?
), we have to deal with the dramatic tension at the beginning of the episode.
Butts first, personalities second.
So they show up to the Bachelor Mansion in their best cream daytime separates for a pageant!
Flailing around with nunchucks?
Doing that thing where you hold your ankle and jump over it with the other leg?
POURING SAUCE ON YOURSELF????
At least Jacob had some information to share.
All of the bad choices in the episode really belong to Chris.
He decided to show them three things: sports, music, and leadership.
Id argue thatoneof those things is a talent.
One is a hobby and the other is a skill publicly endorsed on LinkedIn.
His talent is bouncing a ball and making everyone clap in time.
Thats the sports and leadership.
Then he decides to freestyle a song for Gabby and Rachel, and he isnotA Singer.
This should have been our first sign to get rid of this man.
I want to fight Chris and he hasnt even expressed any opinions yet.
Rachel, I need your stylist to step it up.
Gabby looks like she raided Elizabeth Hurleys closet in 1994 and this is a glorified group-date after-party!
This is no time for olive green, Rachel.
Aven, Logan, Brandon, Jason, Johnny, and Colin all head to the after-party.
Immediately Jason tells Rachel that hes more interested in Gabby.
Rachel was interested in Johnny, so maybe … hes making out with Gabby.
Logan then tells Gabby that theres a whole ocean of depth under her smile, and they make out.
Ya gotta do it!
How hasFboy Islandavoided this awkwardness andThe Bachelorettehasnt?
Logan gets Rachels rose, and Johnny gets Gabbys rose.
Its time for the one-on-one dates.
My apologies, internet.
We should have known this would end in tragedy once we saw the Zero-Gravity Plane Ride of Doom.
Does no one remember Vanessa vomiting on Nick Viall in zero gravity??
Am I the only historian willing to connect our past to our current moment??!!
That will get you to at least the fifth date.
that Jordan V is just not the person for her and sends him home immediately.
STACK THE DECK, BITCH!!
Back at the mansion, the guys are sitting around and Chris decides to open his stupid mouth.
If a man says female when referring to a human woman, RUN.
The word youre searching for is woman or girl or person.
The other men are immediately suspicious and start inching away from him on the couch.
Wouldnt you be in love at that point?
And be able to have a conversation about it?
asks some guy whose face I havent committed to memory yet.
I would be there because Im in the final four, says Chris.
Also, Chris, the top four dont go to fantasy suites.
Thats hometowns, you dumb bitch.
Incredible commentary for this trash program.
Its time for Nates one-on-one!
Nate is a girl dad and corny in ways that extend beyond saying the words girl dad.
Nate is very expressive and affectionate, and I guess that overrides him imitating Gabbys goofy voice.
We all need the number of Gabbys therapist!
Floppy Nate gets the rose.
They head inside and the men want to take time to get to know the other Bachelorette.
Mario spends some time deadlifting Rachel, and Gabby spies them out of the corner of her eye.
Tyler reveals he owns a bunch of boardwalk games in New Jersey and Gabby smooches Erich some more.
Quincey, Josh Peck, and I wanna say Jorbin (?)
decide that theyve got to let the ladies know that Chris is a whole ass.
Quincey pulls Rachel aside and tells her what Chris said.
Shes also wary of someone bringing up ultimatums when it doesnt appear hes had a conversation with her yet.
Rachel tells Gabby, and Gabby says, Ew.
They agree that this is disrespectful of their journey, but they have to hear Chris out.
Gabby says, Do you feel its appropriate to be talking about fantasy suites this early?
Rachel says he should apologize because hes being condescending and dancing around the issue.
They tell Chris to lead them out because hes going home now.
He stands outside with his drink and asks them if he should just go or … ?
Suddenly a producer appears with Gabby and Rachel charging behind him.
Time for the rose ceremony.
Having teams would have prevented that!
Finally, Meatball brought them more meatballs and the bachelorettes ate spaghettiLady & The Trampstyle!
See you next week!
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