The Bachelorette
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What I absolutely did not sign up for was a television program whose main character was Logan.
We are here doing all of this for Logan?
Did Gabby see literally any other man on this entire boat?
The guy who brought two baby chicks and kissed both of them on the first night?
Am I getting that right?
I will definitely be needing@BachelorDatato fire off the numbers on this shit because things areskewed!
Where are our standout men?
Where is our guy with a macho occupation and a sensitive hobby?
No one here is a firefighter who does needlepoint!
Where is our carpenter who came in seventh onThe Great British Bake Off?
A forklift driver who can ice-skate!!
Ill take someone with a fun shirt at this point.
Even Grocery Store Joe popped, with a unique accent and a humble attitude.
Lets get to it.
Its a new day and a new European country!
Welcome to Belgium, home of waffles and possible disappointment.
Rachel says, Well, that feels good to hear you say.
Oh no, Rachel.
Thats just the beginning of his speech.
And Rachel cuts him off and goes, You dont have to keep explaining it.
The scream I screamed.
Do not curse the gods for making you not attracted to the fantastic lady pilot.
Damn you, Zeus!!
Within 15 minutes, Rachel has put on the free bathrobe and is crying on her bed.
Jesse comes to Rachels door to pick her back up.
You know who would have been perfect in this moment?
Girl, the men have already been dispatched!
Just gently wander into their path of romantic destruction.
Meanwhile, the men are just walking around Bruges wondering when Rachel is going to show up.
Is this part of the date?
Do they have to find her?
The date is canceled, everyone back on the ship!
Its time for Logan to make his pitch to Gabby.
Hi, everyone, this is Alis landlord.
She was driven mad by Logan, and I worry shell never return from the brink of reality.
Gabby goes to Rachel to catch up on the privilege of Logan coming to her.
Again: over Logan!!
Does he smell really good or something?
Is his dad rich?
Because the tall ones arent always packin, yknow?
Speaking of the rest of the season, Rachel says that there are only two weeks til hometowns.
Im sorry,what.
Okay, now Im worried for my gals.
I dont even know who most of these men are.
Like … whos Ethan?
I dont think hes spoken a full sentence on camera that wasnt narration about someone else.
We gotta slow this down.
Whats Casey up to?
Tino gets the group-date rose.
Next is Gabbys group date, and its your classic walk around a European city group date.
They ride on a fun lil boat; they make waffles and commit several health-code violations.
A big beefy guy slaps them in the face with a fish.
Thats the Belgium game!
My kingdom for a tasteful print!
Logan explains that Rachel gave him a rose because she saw something in him.
All the guys are pissed and nervous about their connections.
I was promised drama!
What is this!!
Nate gets the group-date rose.
Its time for Rachel and Avens one-on-one date.
He gives Rachel a bracelet his mom made him and she absolutely melts.
Rachel is basically in love.
Way too many fireworks are set off.
The amount of fireworks is not proportional to anything in the known universe.
The sky is only fireworks.
Hes cool????
He looks like Jason Schwartzman if Jason Schwartzman was Lance Bass.
Just close your eyes and think about it.
Gabby says that hes a little bit macho and a little bit goofy.
They head to a brewery with a man who looks like a boardwalk caricature of a master brewer.
But before Gabby and Johnny can get too drunk, its time for a romantic beer-based spa day.
Gabby beats him with branches and they get into a beer hot tub together.
Theyre laughing, theyre sipping on the beer bathwater that has been circulating around their bodies.
Johnny tells her that hes incredibly hard on himself and he lacks confidence.
Johnny gets the rose.
Time to give out roses, I guess?
Rachel gives her roses to Zach, Tyler, andEthan????????
And Gabby gives her roses to Jason, Spencer, Erich, and our plot machine.
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