The Bachelorette
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The year is 2056.
Jesse Palmer and Tony the Tiger are co-hosting the Men Tell All special.
They invite Bradler to take his time in the Limited Time Lays Flavor Swap Snickers Kettle Chip Hot Seat.
Its GRRRRRRADUALLY TAKING OVER OUR BRAINS!
By the way there was a rose ceremony, but no one ask any questions about it.
Theres no footage of it, and we will never speak of it again.
That witch in Salem erased it all.
Lets get to it.
ARE THEY KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW??
Are you ready for my in-depth analysis drawing upon years and years of Bachelor Nation data collection?
Here it goes:
Yes.
I thought I was going to have more there.
But yeah, I think its broken.
The only notable thing is that Rachel cant express a specific thing about Aven.
Show me the rose ceremony.
Roses are your whole thing.
Its like doing an episode ofTop Chefwhere Padma never says, Pack your knives and go.
Fuck those guys, and fuck Gabby and Rachel and their journey.
Weve got a whole Men Tell All to get through!
All right, what are the big stories from the Men Tell All?
Lets do a speed round.
Meatball turning down Rachels rose: This is nothing.
Men picking Gabby over Rachel: This is also nothing.
Men picking Rachel over Gabby: This didnt amount to anything.
Thats another way of saying nothing.
Logans whole thing: I guess by definition this could besomething,but I remain unconvinced.
Chris: Oooooh yeah, THAT GUY.
He wasnt there, so he was literally nothing.
Hayden: Less than nothing.
Roby: Blond and loud now.
Something that will change your life: It was a cruise.
It was just an ad for a cruise.
I thought it would be the Bachelor announcement, but it was just a free cruise.
How does that change my life, Jesse?
Lets talk about some hot-seat moments.
Logan is first up in the hot seat.
What is with this quiet, pensive, reflective Logan?
Hes not saying anything profound!
Hes just speaking in a low and measured tone.
Logan, again, youre not the main character.
Thats how this should have worked.
Someone taught these men some therapy language and contrite posture and Im OVER IT.
Up next in the hot seat is Nate.
This one is a RICH TEXT.
Nate seems like a Nice Fuck Boy.
Or a Fuck Boy Nice Guy.
I havent quite figured out the title yet.
Again, Im workshopping the branding.
The duality of humanity contained within one person.
Suddenly, little cousin Nate is a menace and dating too many women at once.
bullshit??!?!?
Why is it Nates responsibility to even have a comment on this?
is annoying on a show where spouse and parent are the ultimate end goals.
Also … Victoria F.?
Uhh … okay,sure.
Sorry, Im just getting a note here Mario has something to say?
About how Gabby did him wrong??
Exhausted, tired, and confused!
THERE IS STILL SO MUCH SHOW LEFT!
Why was this cast so into smelling one anothers armpits?
Theyre all doing it.
Like, way deep in those pits.
Seeing Alec fall twice fully made me laugh.
Good job, bloopers.
You lifted my spirits.
I just wanted Billy to look into one of the guys eyes and whisper You.
Jesse leans forward in his chair to tell Rachel and Gabby how proud of them he is.
This is not the Jesse I want.
I want the Jesse whos questioning all his life choices seeing a man get covered in sauce!
He could be hostingThe Great Cupcake Warinstead!
Its time for the end-of-the-season preview, and everything is going to hell!
Everyone shake your phones and get some Champagne!
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