The Bachelorette
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It was a monumental occasion that fully exhausted me.
Flying is the absolute worst; I cant believe we used to do it all the time.
But during my reentry into the allegedly friendly skies, I realized I can no longer handle turbulence.
I do not want this!
Am I watching a movie?
Gotta read the Wikipedia summary to find out if the character I like dies.
Am I about to go shopping for some shorts?
Gotta watch two hours of YouTube haul videos to know what I want.
Am I about to go out to eat?
Gotta read the menu three full days in advance.
I need to be prepared because I cannot have any shaky-shaky.
I dont do shaky-shaky anymore.
And this episode ofThe Bachelorettewas all shaky-shaky.
Im upside down, yall.
An entire room of men screamed, BUT YOU ALREADY DID THAT!
Enough with the shaky-shaky.
Lets get to it.
Greg is about to run away with this thing if they let him, isnt he?
Does the Hyatt have a business center?
Print that shit off!
Before we can get to the surprisingly poignant one-on-one date, its time for a performance date!
And this one doesnt have a product tie-in from a nebulous specter hawking its book.
I have a feeling this group date comes with a Revelation.
Because the show hasnt properly defined sex-positive, it seems to mean wildly different things in various contexts.
Whatever is most convenient for whoever the producers have decided is the main character of the segment.
Some highlights from the performances: Connor B. rhymes self-worth with girth.
I welcome more Box.
Box is stability, Box is security.
Next up to the mic is Karl.
One of our friends decided he wanted to sing at this open mic.
My friend sang the chorus eight times.
We dont know which way to go!
Thats what Karls performance felt like.
like, let this man fuck.
He wins the Greatest Lover Award and they head to the after-party.
Thomas gets the group-date rose.
Its time for Gregs one-on-one date.
Katie picks him up in a red pickup truck.
The other contesticles stand around to watch.
Katie and Greg are both wearing plaid jackets and waffle-knit hoodies.
This is all imagery fromFixer Upper-themed erotica.
They head out into nature in an attempt to set up a tent and slightly fish.
They sweetly hug while crying and Katie just says, This date was perfect.
Will you accept this rose?
They both say they might be falling for each other!!!
The date is the thing weve all heard of, Katies Big Belt Buckle Brawl.
He will decide their fate.
He will whisper keep going when they have not satisfied his need for blood.
Aaron is paired with Cody for story purposes.
They dont make eye contact and their wrestling isnt homoerotic.
Can he be more specific?
Dont ask any follow-up questions.
Codys only response is, Uh-uh-uh, Im unsure what youre talking about.
Thats not factual information, which is what fucking liars say.
Katie doesnt like Codys answers and can tell 100 percent that something isnt right.
So she just sends Cody home on the spot.
This season is going to be five episodes long.
Cody tells her, Good luck, and Katie is so done she says, Mm-hmm.
Okay, I might be into this bitch.
Katie continues the rest of the evening portion and Hunter gives her a weird note.
Andrew gets the group-date rose.
Its time for the cocktail party, and Karl is about to Karl the whole thing up.
In the history of the world, has there ever been a Karl who hasnt fucking ruined the party?
Never once has anyone said, Oh hell yeah, Karls here!
No, a Karl is arriving and everyone is finishing their drinks.
Karl starts laying the groundwork for his master plan.
Katie freaks outs and demands more information and again, Karl cannot and will not elaborate.
He tells her that she can trust him, which is the reddest flag.
Dont ask any follow-up questions.
He heard some stuff circulating and its not his place to throw anything out there.
Everyone keeps screaming, Oh my God!
Im just accusing an unspecified number of people of being inauthentic!
Tre calls Karl a weak, spineless man who has to manipulate Katie to get her interested.
ITS ONLY EPISODE TWO!!
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