The Bachelorette
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
I dream of a simpler, better time.
A time when we got to know Katie as more than some kind of oracle portending future tragedies.
But we dont live in that time.
The number of things weve learned about Katie during this season that are completely new information is mind-boggling.
She grew up poor, her parents are divorced, shes outdoorsy, she has zero style.
And so much of what we do know about her seems to be at odds with this entire endeavor.
… on a show that refuses to let people sleep together before the ninth date.
… on a show where she needs to be unflappable and discerning.
Shes looking for someone who is here for the right reasons!
… but also Blake.
Lets get into it.
A weight has been lifted off the house and everyone there is for the right reason.
Hunter is completely calm and his mood will never change.
BLAKE AND ALL HIS JAW IS HERE!
This cartoon-lion-lookin motherfucker is about to burst onto the scene and ruin everyones goddamned day.
Meanwhile, Katie walks with Kaitlyn around the Hilton Tangerine resort asking how Kaitlyn handled Nick joining her season.
These old runes must have been smudged.
Tayshia comes in to gently break the news that a man … who she knows … has arrived.
Everyoneturns into Justinand their eyes pop out of their head.
Blake walks in and the rest of the guys stare at him in complete silence.
Greg fills the Shawn Booth role and immediately becomes jealous and seethes quietly to himself.
The Bumble Algorithm is overloaded.
The date card arrives and Blake gets a one-on-one.
This is Hunters villain-origin story.
Its time for her date with Blake, and these two have CHEMISTRY.
They are ELECTRIC together.
They ride horses to a bench in the middle of a rock formati aaaaand theyre already making out.
Also, Im positive Ive never heard three of those guys speak.
Through the power of deduction, Andrew S. is going on the one-on-one date.
I wish this show didnt conflate intimacy and vulnerability with sharing trauma with near-strangers.
Someone talk about what their preferred contraceptive is!
Someone talk about STI testing!
Blake gets the rose because he has declared himself sex-positive.
They head to another room to listen to an alleged singer named Laine Hardy.
He sounds great for a small child.
These crazy kids just might make it.
Whose spine will it be?
Stay tuned and find out!
The contesticles put on tiny wrestling outfits and Greg is able to dunk?!?!?
Im not sure what the rules of this game are but GREG is DUNKING.
If yes, wild choice, and thank you for believing in Greg.
Michael A. is tackled from behind by Justin and he goes down hard.
He is not moving.
Katie is excited to explore these relationships without drama.
Connor the Cats shirt is fully open and hes playing the ukulele.
It makes Katie cry.
I think he might be grappling with the concept of difficult things happening in general.
Greg is blown away by Michael sharing the lessons hes learned about perspective.
Greg decides that Michaels story is really about him, so he needs to tell Katie how hes feeling.
Hunter gets the group-date rose because Gregs feelings are strong, but production is stronger.
Its time for Andrew S.s one-on-one date.
Andrews signature dance move is the dolphin and they both like brunch.
Theres turning to sports as an escape from his painful home life.
Theres an absentee father who was also in jail.
Theres not nearly enough time to unpack all of these, but lets just start with his white ex-girlfriend.
Also, who are these strangers asking all these questions about your imaginary children?!?!?!
Everybody thinks the white parent saved that child from aPrecious Based on the NovelPushby Sapphiresituation and is a hero.
Instead Katie tells Andrew hes going to make a great dad and husband.
Andrew gets the Token Rose …
I mean, the one-on-one rose.
Tre and Aaron cannot handle Hunters nonsense.
Just to be clear: Hunter is in the wrong and everyone else is in the right.
Theyre just being a little sanctimonious about it, per usual.
James walks three steps away and then walks back and asks again.
When Quartney is sent home, Katie tells him shes proud of him?!?!?
What was that about!
Was there a Quartney-with-a-Q story line we missed?
Am I the only one who is a Quartney stan?!
!
