The Bachelorette
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Oh, no no no no no.
Everything is wrong and bad and everyone is stressed out.
What happened to a fun night out with the gals??
What happened to a girls trip to Cabo?!
What happened to Girlie Season?
This is not the Girlie Season I was promised.
This is the part of the girls trip when we all realize that we stayed one day too long.
Weve all been zip-lining.
Weve done the party boat.
And unlike that fateful trip to Cabo, I do not regret starting this journey with these women.
What I am saying is things got dark andthings are getting weird.
Lets get to it.
Who the fuck does every man involved in this process think they fucking are???
They decide that this is the week to take back their power and force the men to decide.
While Rachel is away, Gabby shows up to get some extra time with the contesticles.
How do the men fuck this up?
There is ahot womanwho wants tomake out with you.
Our time is limited.
My youth is dwindling.
How have you fucked this up??
Meanwhile, Rachels one-on-one date continues.
Its time for a getting-dressed montage and the film premiere.
There are six photographers and the smallest step-and-repeat Ive ever laid eyes on.
I literally wrote in my notes, This is the fakest shit Ive ever seen in my life.
Its time for the filmMe & You,and bitch, I guess.
Rachel loses her goddamn mind.I used to do that with my dad!!
!Girl, marry him now.
Its not going to get any better from here.
Zach gets the rose.
Gabby stops by the mansion to pick him up with Americas Grandpa, Grandpa John!!!
Gabby tells him that these are all her boyfriends and he asksrepeatedlyfor a date.
Get this old man some tail.
Im sure hes been in a war.
They head tosomewherefor a sound bath in a Fyre Fest tent.
Gabbys intention is Moving forward in this journey with confidence, despite any fears I may have.
Erichs intention is to be in the moment, and Grandpa John is asleep under a lil blankie.
Afterward they go bowling and find some lady named Julie for Grandpa John to bowl with.
Gabby and Erich make out while the septuagenarians entertain themselves.
The only thing we see him do is wait to speak until shes finished speaking.
Let us see that chemistry!
Gabby ends up saying that maybe shell never know a mothers love and shell miss it.
Gabby also says that because of her past, she loves deeply and intensely.
Gabby sits in his lap and makes out with him.
If she could, shed slice him open and crawl inside him to get even cuddlier.
He gets the rose.
Time for the group date!
Tell me, Quincey, what is it?
The biggest group date in Bachelor Nation history!
Thats it, Quincey.
You … you already said that.
Someone get Quincey some water.
The activity is … who gives a shit?
We gotta get to the afterparty, where this whole fucking thing comes off the rails.
Gabby is so excited going into the afterparty and ready to make some great connections with the guys.
Gabby sits down with Tyler and he tells her that he has a better connection with Rachel.
Gabby is excited and wants him to tell Rachel!
Then she sits down with Hayden.
This Josh Pecklooking fuck.
Shes smokin, though.
No one wanted a fucking explanation.
Gabby immediately goes into a shame spiral.
This is hitting her in the exact spot that she carries all this other hurt and pain.
She sits down with Rachel to hand out the group-date roses.
Rachel gives hers to Aven, and Gabby says shes not going to give one out.
Rachel is so upset and offended on Gabbys behalf.
Rachels faces are rivalingJustins from Katies season.
What a good friend.
Not teach dudes how to act.
Put it on a tote bag.
The time has come for Rachel and Gabby to take a stand.
In screenwriting, this is called The Climax.
Pick a side, you dumb-dumbs.
Everyone except Logan knows what theyre going to do, apparently.
Also, Rachel is worried that someone is going to reject Gabbys rose.
This is what we call irony.
Rachel gives her first roses to Tino and Logan and they accept.
Gabby gives roses to Nate and Johnny.
Rachel then goes to give a rose to Termayne, a man Iveliterallynever seen before.
Then he turns and looks expectantly at Gabby.
It doesnt work this way, buddy.
(Wait, Jesse.
Does it work this way??
You just made up all these rules.)
Then Jesse takes Rachels rose away.
What is happening!!!
Termayne is realizing that this gambit might not pay off as he gets back in line.
Gabby gives her next rose to Spencer and Rachel calls up Alec.
Gabby gives a rose to Jason, Mario, Kirk, and Quincey.
Rachel gives one to Tyler, Jordan, and Ethan.
Rachel then gives one to Meatball, and he turns it down.
You Winnetka piece of garbage!
Gabby and Rachel are pissed that the men have tried to wrestle back control once again.
Their last roses go to Michael (WHO???)
and Hayden.HAYDEN???
Send him home!!
And thats it for this awful rose ceremony.
Wait … who is that hiding in the bushes?
MEATBALL!!!!!
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