The Bachelorette
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Thatswhereeverything is happening, but what is happening?
Am I the only one that feels wholly unmoored from this season and its typicalBachelorettetropes?
We wouldnt be in this position if they split men into teams right off the bat.
Because the last thing any good girlfriend wants to do is bang their friends crush.
Dick is plentiful enough that you do not need to resort to stealing someone elses resources.
I imagine Logan will find this out soon enough, but I digress!!
Umm … Jesse Palmer speaks pretty good French????
Do not ask her to speak or write in French unless its ordering viennoiserie.
It gets embarrassing for her really quickly.
Lets just collectively let it go.)
The week opens with Hayden forgetting that his every utterance is filmed and those arent decorative sconces.
Those are cameras, my dude.
NO OTHER DETAILS ARE NECESSARY!
JUST THE WHOLE COUNTRY!
My next note was just, UGH, PARIS!!
This is what we need!
Rachel and Gabby strolling around the City of Lights under little umbrellas and giggling.
Jason and Tino in cute lil jackets sitting outside a cafe.
Double-date energy that feels like at any moment it could turn into a foursome.
The firstBachelortrips should always be to a European capital known for romance and creamy cheese.
No pressure, Tino!
Tino has the absolute right attitude.
They make out in a cafe.
They stop at the bar within eyesight of the men and just talk openly about them.
But its time for the evening portion of the dates.
Rachel and Tino head to … a church?
I had no idea there were this many negative associations with pilots of any gender.
I thought they were just benign figures who handed out wing pins to children.
I thought Pilot Pete was an aberration and not the first thought.
The bar for men is below hell.
But he talks about how he saw his father make sacrifices to be an engaged parent.
They make out, and he says that hed be willing to go to war for their love.
Rachel, just pull a Clare and pick him now.
Its not going to get any better.
He says he grew up comparing himself to others and his friends and never felt good enough.
He played tennis but hated the pressure to win, so he stopped playing.
He didnt speak up for himself and took things personally, so he decided to go to therapy.
I believe in and go to therapy should be a filter on dating apps.
She is horny for therapy.
Jason asks her, Have you heard of inner-child work?
and Gabby basically slides off her chair.
BRING THE RING OUT NOW!
Its not going to get better than this!!
Jason gets the rose, and they make out.
But before they can reconcile that, its time for Gabbys group date!
Somehow, Gabbys group date just ends up being another way to humiliate Rachel.
These producers are working overtime.
Did Rachel break up with one of them in high school or something?
What is going on??
The actual date of this date doesnt add up to much.
Rachel brings her guys on a field trip, and no one goes over to talk to her.
They just hang out and shadowbox each other.
GUYS!What is happening?!
?Have you learned nothing from anything?
Did production tell them to stay away?
Why is Logan trying to make intense eye contact with Gabby while hiding his boner?
Spencer gets the belt and a date with Gabby, where they talk about the military.
Again, WHO CARES!!
Because Rachel decides shes going to yell at her men for not coming to talk to her.
She starts by saying, As you could see, Im pretty upset.
Power move, incredible.
Can they see youre pretty upset because you just arrived?
I wanna say Jorbin?
You should not be resting on your laurels right now.
No one has any laurels.
That, Im sure, is all genuine.
I dont even wanna talk about it.
From opening with two middle-age French people sucking face tosmelling armpits,this is not what romance is about.
Whatever Ethan is doing is not romance.
Meatballs armpits almost make Rachel gag.
Logan writes her a poem despite not being into her at all.Why did everyones letters rhyme?No.
The show owes me money.
Tyler wins the special after-date dinner because he wrote Rachel a poem last night.
I hated every second of this.
Its time for the cocktail party!
Listen, I dont want to discount anyones emotions, but … this felt incredibly manufactured, right?
Im not saying he did that for sure, but Im not saying he didnt do that.
Hayden says it will be hard for him to not feel uncomfortable after that.
Dude, youre onThe Bachelorette.You just kissed your own fist for Rachels amusement.
We left personal discomfort back in Le Havre.
Rachel is at her best when shes enraged.
Shes at her best when she gets to go HMM at full volume.
She says she trusts Meatball.
Okay … and shes off to find Hayden.
Weve said all we can say about Rambo.
THEN HE HAS TO WALK DOWN THE GANGWAY ON THE SHIP!!
IS THAT A GANGWAY!?
We better not see his ass in Paradise if his dog is so important.
The rest of the cocktail party is canceled.
Right to the Rose Ceremony!
Rachel and Gabby are both wearing elaborate fur robes.
Rachel gives her roses to Aven, Meatball, Zach, Ethan, and … Logan.
I think thats Jorbin who goes home.
Logan asks, Should I accept this rose knowing Im more attracted to Gabby?
He says he feels like the bad guy.
Oh, I think this is more than a feeling, Logan.
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