The Bachelorette
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Is there any reason to beat around the bush?
I just have to get this off my chest:
This season is a mess.
Its just an unmitigated mess.
Its edited together in a preposterous fashion.
I have no idea what is supposed to be communicated to me emotionally.
It appears were in foreven more bullshitthat looks like its happeningafterthe proposals.
THIS WHOLE THING IS A MESS.
I mean, what even is there to get into?
Weve gone beyond dumpster fire, and I think the entire garbage dump is going up in flames.
So yeah, they cant help themselves.
So were at a crossroads with the goddamned program.
Thats right, Bachelor Cinematic Universe.
You want to be.
Thats all you know how to give us at this point.
Take away the black boxes whenever someone has a thong bikini on.
Put this shit on HBO Max and let everyone fuck on the first date.
Offer a cash prize, and lets get over it.
LETS GET TO IT, I GUESS.
Were live???
We are live with Jesse and a studio audience with signs given to them by production.
Absolutely no one wants to accept Jesses maple leaf.
Im not sure what part of the anatomy is the maple leaf, but nobody is looking for it.
Up first is Rachel and Zach at the Rose Ceremony.
I feel like that was 13 years ago, and I no longer care about this.
She does thatblinking-and-shaking-head GIFyou use whenever someone in Slack says something completely out of pocket.
I wrote in my notes,Ugh, I hate Tino.
He could see it in her eyes.
Everyone is happy for one another and wants the …zzzzzzzzzzz.Oh, sorry.
Get Andy Cohen in here and read some questions from Diane in Omaha.
Its time for the remaining men to meet Rachels and Gabbys families.
Not really, because of anything Erich did.
I dont know if this was really on theBacheloretteproducers.
Ive seen people talk about how they need to vet people.
How would they have found this?
Do they have to request a full copy of everyones high-school yearbook?
Think of how many people saw this white child in blackface and said, Yeah, this is fine.
Its a failure of every system and institution around Erich.
And honestly, Erich, too.
A 17 or 18-year-old in 2010 or 2011 KNEW FOR SURE that blackface was wrong.
At the very least, they knew it was taboo.
A white comedy colleague of mine was asked to do blackface in a sketch show in 2012.
He refused, and his primary reason was, I cant have photographic evidence of this EVER come out.
Its racist, but it WILL ruin my career.
It might have been self-serving, but it was one fewer instance of blackface in the world.
Erich couldnt even manage that!!!!
Final thing on the blackface why does every instance of blackface looklike that?
Umm … back to the episode.
But the focus isnt on Erich.
Its on Gabby in this family visit.
Hes just kind of there, which is fine.
Its time for Rachels family visit.
Whew, this woman is a fool what a dizzy, dizzy bird.
And whats even worse is Im not sure its her fault.
Rachel wants a proposal, and THATS FINE.
Thats the point of the show.
Its also fine for her to want a proposal after all the bullshit Clayton put you through.
Its the shows fault at this point.
Offer a variety of finale options!!
The Bachelorettes should be allowed to propose!!!
They should be able to split a cash prize if they want!!!
They should partner with HGTV to find a home together!!!
They should be able to do a novelty commitment ceremony like an untraditional wedding!!!
They should pour different colors of sand into a vase to represent their future together!!!
He lets it slip for a second that theres another person still involved.
But he couldnt figure out a way to say that.
He was saying everything else that would fill me with a lot of confidence.
Also, when Rachel asked, Why are you yelling at me?
Girl, he wasnt yelling, and you know that.
Rachel goes to meet with Aven for their final dinner.
Didnt they once get a last day together?
This conversation might have worked out better on a yacht or while zip-lining.
Shes basically going there to break up.
She says shes looking for some action to match his words, but what can he do?
Its like when your job puts someone on a performance-improvement plan.
Sure, there are things you could do, but the stage is set for a firing.
Aven was the good-on-paper guy she had to find a flaw with.
And when Aven appears in the hot seat, little new information is added.
They want the best for each other and …zzzzzzzzzz.I FELL ASLEEP AGAIN!
We didnt have to do this today.
There isnt enough emotional meat here to justify running long.
I suppose we have to talk about Rachel and Tino.
Tino has an answer for everything.
What if Rachel has to move for work?
Ill need it to be a couple of years so I can get on a building.
What about your family?
Theyll come around because I love her.
Wait … did they get a final dinner??
Finally, Gabby sits down with Erich to talk about the end of their journey.
He should be reassuring her!
But instead, he takes the opposite strategy.
What are these men doing?!?!?!
Gabby doesnt want to pressure Erich, but she wants a proposal.
Girl, pressure him!
Im tired of this!!
See you next week for the 14-hour live finale!!
!
