The Bachelorette
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
WHYYYYY!!!!!!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US????!!!!!
CANT WE HAVE ANYTHING NICE!!!!!!?????!!
Jesse Palmer opening the episode with a moment of silence (for the queen??)
Both the musical and the movie.
Jesse just starting the episode like Yall hear that Tino cheated?
Maybe Erich can explain away those damning text messages a few days before stepping out the limo night one.
Did that mean anything to you?
But yeah, lets really dig into this one-month relationship that fell apart.
Were running a little long, so if something gets cut, its the pictures of blackface.
To be very clear, Im not happy for Gabby and Erich.
Im happy for Gabby.
Thats the only scenario I will accept.
If Erich is the vessel for Gabbys happiness, then so be it!!
Lets get to it!
What is the best way to divide up this stupid fucking three-hour finale?
So much happened, but also, in a way, absolutely nothing happened.
Maybe lets tackle it from worst to best.
Zach is our next Bachelor.
Did I like Zach when he was merely the nephew of Americas Sweetheart, Patrick Warburton?
Yeah, I did.
Yeah, I guess I was fine with him.
Do I like that Zach is the next Bachelor?
He looks like him?
I mean he really looks like him.
Is it weird this has never come up before?
That Zach is Jesse Palmers young son?
I look forward to meeting Darlene through Zelda sometime in the future.
Its a terrible mnemonic, and she gives him the worst hug Ive ever seen in my life.
Up next is Cat, who has a LOT of confidence.
We will determine at a later date if its earned or not.
When she takes her shot, she coos, Mmm … tastes like home.
Up next from worst to best is Rachels story line.
Jesse says that they looked so happy with that Neil Lane ring on her finger … What happened?
Okay, heres the best I can piece it together in the smallest possible number of words.
Rachel finally got it out of Tino that he had cheated on her and kissed another woman.
Oh, no.I have to say it again?!?!
?I can relate to exactly what Rachel was going through this entire time.
Rachel gets that B-roll of her pacing around the happy-couple-visit house holding her ring.
She will be lit on her good side during this argument.
Gabby stops by the house first so we can get a rare moment of these two scheming and plotting.
Gabbys advice is, Fuck him, kick him in the balls!
If a man has attempted to take notes??
Whatever they say he did, he did it.
He did that shit, and he knows it!
THATS what Rachel wants.
Thankfully Rachel comes alive when she gets the opportunity to shut a man down.
He also says that he kissed the other woman and immediately realized, Wait!
I want to be with her!
Thats never once happened in the history of mankind.
No straight man on this Earth has had that thought.
I would bet more straight men have thought, I can never eat at the Irving Park Wingstop!
I love the Cicero Wingstop!
while biting into a wing than have realized their commitment to their girlfriends mid-extramarital smooch.
Tino keeps getting up (??)
Hes not just a scumbag; hes also stupid.
Tino says that he tried to forgive himself and she should get over something so tiny.
Hes not trying to minimize what happened or her feelings; its just that what happened was small.
I changed my mind.
This is very funny.
I love Tinos dumb ass again.
WHO THE FUCK IS HE ON THE PHONE WITH???
This is simply the most baffling breakup in Bachelor Nation history, and I never want it to end.
Anytime Rachel says something to him, it looks like his brain is buffering.
Rachel finally gets up and says shes done.
She hands him the ring back.
Once Tino leaves, Rachel stands around and says, Am I crazy?
I actually feel crazy?
For everyone watching at home, that was gaslighting.
Thats a very, very hard thing to do!
Does this excuse Tinos behavior?
But could it explain it?
Tino kept saying he felt insecure and his ego took over.
He just cared about winning and getting to do whatever he wanted to do without consequences.
When Tino comes out, its more of the same bullshit.
Hell make a claim and Rachel goes, Thats not true, Ellen.
Do you remember doing that?
If we broke up, we would have gotten reengaged?
He also keeps saying he doesnt want to panic??
HE CAN ANSWER YOU IF YOU JUST GIVE HIM TIME TO THINK!!
Suddenly, A WILD AVEN APPEARS.
Tino is fucking pissed.
He gets a standing ovation.
In the din of the applause, you’re free to hear Tino asking, Am I good?
DELICIOUS!!!!!
TEN OUTTA MOTHERFUCKING TEN NO NOTES.
I hoped when they cut to them backstage, they would just be hardcore fucking.
So I guess before we go, lets just give a moment to our girl, Gabby.
Make him get a new haircut.
Jesse asks three Bachelorettes who are not with the men that proposed to them to give Gabby advice.
See you next week forParadise!!
The torment will never end!!!
!
