The Bachelorette
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Harbor Country, baby!
I think about it every day.
When I tell you,I was riveted!Who would she choose?
So what does all of this have to do withThe Bachelorette?Nayte was clearly the front-runner fromday one.
Michelle has been swooning for him this entire season, and honestly, who wouldnt?
Hes a giant with an amazing smile.
Hejust saidhe wants to propose!
Hes giddy and shaking out of one of the two suits he brought to propose to Michelle.
I want that to be forever.
To fuck up the story this much is wild.
They did this shit to Rachel, and dont think we dont notice.
The most impactful could have been the story of Michelle learning to honor herself.
A grown woman saying, Im done listening to my mother.
Im choosing this sexual colossus, and hes going to carry me into the sunset.
Theyve made Cinemax erotic fairy tales with less.
So lets get to the actual episode.
These finales tend to speed by even though everyone is pausing for two full seconds between each word.
Up first is the guys meeting Michelles family …
… does anyone else see that woman just sitting there?
She looks like Michelle and no one is making eye contact with her or referencing her?
Did she get a chyron?
Am I the only one who can see her?
Oh, shes Michelles sister.
Okay, I thought a ghost had wandered into the Meet the Parents visit again.
Up first is Brandons visit with the parents, and wow, they love him.
I thought at some point wed see Michelles mom greasing Brandons scalp while she told him family recipes.
Were those neon-green lizards?
Brandon, c’mon.
Brandon says that his mom is the ambitious one in their family so powerful women are cool.
Everyones connection is Oedipal, and I would like them to examine it.
Give us a beautiful grandchild.
Im proud of you.
As Michelles mom hugs him good-bye, she whispers in his ear, I love you.
Youre my son now.
Heres the thing: Nayte isclearlynervous.
Its nerve-racking to meet your girlfriends parents, regardless of the context.
Im pretty sure that was an OkCupid match question back in the day.
Michelles sister looks into Naytes soul and asks, What about staying still and being content?
Okay, yall asked Brandon if he was a Carrie or a Samantha.
These questions are not the same.
Time for the final dates!
If shes been asking the men to be vulnerable, then she needs to do the same.
This was a choice.
Michelle and Brandon make out for 30 full minutes, and she heads to bed.
Up next is Naytes final date.
This nondescript Indigenous shaman date.
He also keeps asking if what hes saying is enough or correct.
Someone, yo, just give this guy a pat on the head.
Hes trying so hard because he cares so much.
Yeah, thats good, buddy.
Michelle knows she got that last piece from Nayte and all her doubts are resolved.
Okay, so off into the sunset we go?
Brandon has written a note.
But in my opinion … its a bit much.
Michelle has to make the hardest decision of her life.
Its time for the proposal, and Michelle heads to the angry sea to wait for her men.
The first person out of the limo is … Brandon.
If you had any sense in your head, you knew this was coming.
Brandon wishes her nothing but happiness, and he says that every second has been worth it.
Hell never regret it and always be there for her.
The most emotional breakup inBachelorhistory, everyone!
They say they love each other one more time before Brandon is floated out into the waves.
Its time for Nayte to arrive upon the altar.
He says his heart and his mind have never been more in sync.
Hes great in the talking heads!
Maybe everyone needs to sit directly across from him and let him explain how he feels.
Nayte keeps his pre-proposal short and sweet and plays off Michelles major themes from the season.
Hes ready and willing to check that shes chosen first and feels seen.
But … shes not willing to let him walk away and shes never felt a love like this before!
She says yes, and they scream, We are fiancees!
A mariachi band magically appears, and Nayte just keeps chanting, Yes!
Hes so happy, and shes so happy, and they love each other so much.
Its time for the After the Final Rose, hosted by Kaitlyn and the Omicron variant.
Tayshia had a COVID exposure, and she doesnt want to answer any more questions about her breakup.
The audience was scolded by Twitter into putting on their masks!
Our country is broken!
Up first is Brandon.
His suit is bad and inadvertently matches Michelle.
He says, Thats the best representation of the beauty in the struggle.
Michelle comes out and sits down with him.
They both admit that its possible to fall in love with two people.
Michelle made the right choice.
Its time for Nayte to come out!
They are purposefully matching!!
Light-skinned people look great in a merlot!!!
Theyre both so excited to scream about their relationship and are so ready to go public.
And Michelle is like, I understand completely, baby.
Their parents are best friends!
Michelles mom loves Nayte now, and he sends her texts that are so heartwarming she cried.
So now theyre all-in on this relationship???
They also show a montage of their love story, andwhere was this all season?
Its time for Clayton to come out and for Kaitlyn to humiliate him.
So you agree that youre really boring and a man of color might have been a better choice?
Heres to love and Clayton telling three women he banged them all!
