The Bachelorette
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The summer of 2021 is avery differenttime than the end of 2020 or even the beginning of 2021.
Oh, dont get me wrong.
No one has time for that.
No one is doing that anymore.
Weve got fashion masks and cool chains to attach our masks to our sunglasses and
We
Are
HORNY.
As a nation nay, as apeople we are HORNY.
Its 90 degrees out, everyone is sweating, and did everyone always look this good?
Just the thought of hugging your friend good-bye after hanging out at the park is electric.
The mere idea of another humans mouth feels illicit.
Its after Memorial Day and everyone is about to get libidinous.
So its only appropriate that for this satyric season, we have Katie, Americas Horniest Bachelorette.
She wants you to know shes SEX POSITIVE and says things like, No dry bushes here!
while drop-kicking a tumbleweed and mimes humping when she sees a hot guy.
Shes not a regular girl.
Shes a Horny Girl.
The season is taking place at the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort and Spa.
Katies parents divorced when she was a baby; she grew up very poor and moved around a lot.
She had trouble making friends and shes never really had a boyfriend who felt like a partner.
Shes ready for love.
Shes not going to settle.
Did they just tell her, Theres no host.
You gotta do it on your own.
Bring a stopwatch so you know how long the cocktail parties are supposed to be?
Because it really seems like they did.
Katie came prepared with three different kinds of duct tape and a tripod, just in case.
Dont worry, Katie, the Elders are doing a reverseThelma & Louisethrough the desert to come save you.
But first, lets meet some of the contesticles.
Theres Karl, the motivational speaker.
Connor B. plays the ukulele in the bathtub.
Brendan is a Canadian former hockey player, aspiring firefighter.
Andrew S. is really intoBridgerton.
Justin loves to paint and he cant wait to show Katie what else his hands can do.
And Greg is a simulation AI created by the Bumble algorithm.
Everyone is screaming and everyone is crying!
The power of contractually obligated female friendship!
I guess theyre not replacing anyone and theyve been here all along.
They probably edited out where Kaitlyn said, Dont fuck Nick Viall.
Its honestly more trouble than its worth.
They speak in unison for the first of what will be many times.
Then its time for the first limo and out steps Thomas, who is VERY TALL and very hot.
Katie says, Do they all look like that?
I would love if this season ended with Katie presiding over a polyamorous relationship with three to seven men.
Its what she deserves.
Tre pops out of a pickup-truck bed thats full of ball-pit balls.
Thats … thats not a thing.
His main energy is corny.
What is with these mens opening gimmick being this is a lie?
Then the box arrives.
Stay in the box the whole night, dude.
In addition to the horny energy, a real absurd Dadaist vibe would be welcome.
Stay in the box the whole season.
Give Katie a matching box.
Live in the box.
Propose from the box.
Live together in your boxes.
Raise your children in a smaller box next to your boxes.
Every box is box.
Box is box box box.
Then some idiot named Cody brings out a blow-up doll.
You dont have to laugh at this shit!
Because the sexual puns are coming, no pun intended.
Christian gives her a genie lamp and says they can rub one out.
Dont tell a woman you just met to rub one out.
Justin says hes going to stroke and stroke and stroke and then pulls out a paintbrush.
Puns are one of the lowest forms of humor and these are barely puns.
Hes the one Katie air-humps as he walks away.
Katie is incredibly aroused.
Katie didnt rehearse her toast but tells everyone that shes nervous and a little scared, too.
The box somehow does a cheers.
ROCKS ROCK!!!!!!!!
Katie sits down with Greg and they really hit it off.
He gives her a macaroni necklace his 3-year-old niece made and tells her its not real gold.
The Bumble AI needs some time to calibrate.
While Katie is in the ball pit with Tre, the first-impression rose arrives and everyone starts freaking out.
Youre basically saying, Wouldnt it be weird if I was some kind of predator?
Dont worry about those, thats just my dirty underwear!
If deanie_babies van is the fantasy, this is the reality.
Katie finally sits down with the box and there is no time.
There is no space.
There is only box.
Katie is horny for the box.
She says she couldnt stop thinking about him and he goes in for the kiss.
She takes his ears off and he looks up at her with his whiskers and they aggressively make out.
He has a whole-ass child but was like, I miss my dog lol.
This season is wild.
Greg asks if he can kiss Katie and they make out aggressively.
Its time for the rose cerem oh, wait!
Aaron gets in Codys face and is like, I dont like you.
Ill never like you, presumably like two hours after meeting him.
But its like they say, when you know, you know that you cant stand a bitch.
Your piercing intensity and center part will stay with me.
I wanna say Brundin?
Katie gives one final cheers before the season preview shows usBlakes square-headed ass arriving.
