The Bachelorette
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Do you feel that?
Do you feel that in the air?
The moon is high in the night sky and that means only one thing: GIRLIE SEASON IS HERE!
The time is right to shotgun an entire bottle of Champagne!
Swap your outfit with your best girlie!!
Giggle about butts!!!
Squeeze someones lil butt (with consent)!!!!
Hide a secret tiny pistol in your hair!
Fill a ring with poison to drop into the drink of a pushy suitor!
Fake your own kidnapping and reinvent yourself in the American Southwest!
I overshot Girlie Season and landed in Femme Fatale Fall.
I would welcome it with open arms.
I would watch these two gals be gals and do girlie things all day long.
Im having a fantastic time and they sent the magician and the creepy twins home immediately.
I want things to always be like this.
Lets get to it.
Did yourememberthat we have TWO BACHELORETTES?
Not one, not three, and not some ridiculous number like one, but TWO.
Fans outside, their waiting families, their Uber driver!
Its time to meet our Bachelorettes!
Theyre way hornier than anyone thinks and theyre both having a Hot Bimbo Summer!
And they both were wronged by a Bachelor who got a check-minus in Communication Skills.
They both make their way to the mansion.
Gabby says good-bye to her dog and Rachel flies across the country??!
What in the Amelia Earhart?
They both drink Champagne straight from the bottle and then its time to meet the men.
The guys have all the same questions that we do: How is this going to work?
What if we like both women?
What if both of them like one of us?
I hate to break it to you guys, but I cant see that happening.
I also wrote in my notes, OH NO!
Im looking for someone tall, but also short is fine.
He could be smart, but also dumb.
Its time for the most men in Bachelorette history!
There are so many weirdos, so lets get to it!
Jordan H. brought noise-canceling headphones and puts each Bachelorette in them so he can talk to them individually.
Why didnt any of these men step out of the limo and yell, HELLOOOOO NURSE!?
Theres Chris the mentality coach, and I would appreciate a 15-minute presentation on what this man actually does.
Not whats in his Instagram bio; I need a breakdown of his daily accomplishments.
Logan has two baby chickens because hes been getting used to hanging out with two chicks.
Gabby says, I thought that was a rat.
I am here for Gabby.
Gabby and Rachel are HORNY.
Lead with hedonism, fellas.
Do I have to do everything for you people?
Rachel and Gabby are NOT.
Its got a chorus, several verses, choreography.
Alec comes out of the limo andtheres still more song left.Its too much and Alecs earring is too long.
Next is James, a.k.a.
Meatball, who brings a big-ass meatball sub.
Just dry, wide bread.
You see men in the background for the rest of the night chomping down on a section of sub.
You know that limo smelled crazy.
Like we can all see a black box behind the watch, right?
They should have sent him home right then and there.
Thats where Im at with magicians.)
Hes Rachels punch in.
(Read: all chin and possibly Italian?)
Jacob comes in shirtless on a horse.
Beyonce has been on multiple horses in the press lately.
Being titties-out on a horse is having a moment.
Out of the limo next is Joey and Justin.
I need them to set up a system where they alternate who ends the toast.
Time for the cocktail party!
I wrote in my notes, and I quote, ROBY DOING MAGIC TRICKS!!!!
FUCK!!!!
How does it feel to be on the other side of the table?
Gabby is not having any of this.
She is very bored and asks if they can read each others minds.
They say their twin powers are limited to spotting each other across campus.
Do they live together now?
This is not okay.
Its time for the men to divide and conquer.
Ryan sits down with Gabby and she negs him from moment one and he shushes her multiple times.
The way hot people flirt is baffling to me.
That Josh Pecklookin dude made Rachel a card out of things he found in his hotel room.
Jordan V. shows her his race car and she really wants him to kiss her but he doesnt.
She has to remind herself its only night one … but Clayton was kissing on night one.
Gabby and Mario smooch and it doesnt look like a good smooch.
They meet straight on, no tongue, like theyre kissing in a 50s movie.
Tino takes Rachel to the stairs in the Bachelor Mansion and wants to give her some good memories.
I dont know if Rachel has bad associations with these stairs or just stairs in general?
It doesnt matter because Rachel is FEELING HIM and they smooch.
These men are asking for permission to kiss and Im not mad at it.
Gabby and Rachel meet up at various points of the night to gab and goss about the men.
Theyre getting their smooches and theyre so happy about it.
And for the record: Tayshia and Kaitlyn should be hosting this season.
They would bring the correct slumber-party energy to this series.
Some of the guys are trying to make moves on both of them and there are two first-impression roses!
So bye, Magician and Twins.
You never stood a chance.
If possible, stop being a magician and twins.
Theyre doing things their way, fellas!
Theres never been TWO Bachelorettes and thats a number!
To love!!!
Sign up herefor email alerts for every newThe Bacheloretterecap.
