The Bachelor
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I dont think we should be watching this.
Matt James is like a zoo-raised panda.
There are too many things out here that are willing to kill you and eat you alive, buddy.
The decisions and suggestions these people are giving you are not in your best interest, lil guy.
And again, the framing of that hometown visit was that Deans family was eccentric and weird.
Lets get to it.
Chris Harrison dropping off the first date card.
MATTS DAD IS HERE.
This all bodes well for the inevitable finale.
He just keeps saying hes there to celebrate Matts success!
He wants some kind of closure or clarity from his dad about his childhood.
But does he want his dad to explain why he cheated?
Does he want his dad to accept responsibility for Matts difficult childhood?
Does he want his dad to allow him space to talk through his feelings?
Matts deep-seated issues with commitment are solved?
Its apparently Michelles fantasy suite date immediately after this?
He said it, so it must be true!
Michelle meets Matt at a barn on the Fat Bird resort grounds for a spa day.
They both walk into a room set up for them like theyre walking into one of Jigsaws torture chambers.
A tub of milk?
A basin of oatmeal?
A pile of butter?
Its just that simple!
Michelle asks a follow-up question and thats how Matt knows she cares.
He goes out on the balcony to watch her walk away and blows her a kiss.
I wrote in my notes, Just pick her, dummy!
Michelle is explaining that they rubbed each other with butter and Rachael is full-on weeping.
Its time for Bris date!
Oh fuck, theyre just walking in the woods.
Thats the whole day portion of their date.
Oh, I forgot, they build a tent together and Matt pretends theyre going to sleep there.
I felt for Bri when she said shes not an outdoor cat.
They head to the evening portion of their date and Bri wants to know where Matts head is at.
Again, a completely reassuring thing for your sorta-boyfriend to be telling you.
Bri also tells him shes in love with him.
They head to the fantasy suite.
Bri says she wants Matt to wake up the next morning thinking hes waking up with his wife.
He also talks about how hard its going to be to send someone home.
kindly, just pick her, you sweet, gentle dummy!
In pre-pantaloon times, did the fantasy suites happen with no days in between?
Did the Bachelor even have time for a wipe-down between each contestant?
Hasnt Rachael not had much relationship experience either?
All the good relationship drama goes on by the bathroom.
Rachael has to COMPLETELY STOP the moderately sexy pottery activity to talk to Matt.
She cant wait around for heartbreak.
Lady, thats basically the premise of the show.
Of course, Matt is totally willing to do that for her and only her.
He tells her that hes falling in love with her and oh lord, its over for everyone else.
Rachael tells him shes in love with him.
They resume the sexy pottery making.
He says he views communication and commitment totally differently than his father.
What way would that be, exactly?
Id love even one bit of detail on that topic.
Okay, very cool.
What has he learned exactly?
Again, would love just one bit of detail there.
These two completely naive doofuses are so ready to risk it all for each other.
These other ladytestants are doomed.
Time for the rose ceremony.
Matt walks in, doesnt do a little preamble, and gives roses to Michelle and Rachael.
Matt walks Bri out and they sit on a bench while Matt stammers through trying to comfort her.
Bri says she cant be angry or upset, but shes just sad and disappointed.
Dear God, a MODEL, honey.
Bri forBacheloretteor Bri for Revlon!
Whatever comes first and whatevers easier for her.
