The Bachelor
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That lil dude was a We Guy.
Matt James … is a We Guy.
What else is fuckboi behavior?
Running off in the middle of a group date to bomb someones in-the-moment interview and make out?
Yup, that too.
Can someone, anyone, approach this thing with a modicum of seriousness and integrity?
The answer is no.
Lets get to it.
ABC attempts to start the episode off with what amounts to flash-forward.
I spent the entire first ten minutes convinced that this was some spiritual sequel toInception.
Hang on, were just letting the ladytestants out now?
Victoria and Kit are still on some anti-newbies bullshit and they pass two new girls promenading.
Cool priorities, there.
This classroom is a safe space for geometry-based mini-golf puzzles!
Not tearing each other down, ladies!
He takes Brittany aside first, and all Victoria gets out of Matts monologue is Someone snitched.
Brittany tells Matt that Anna told everyone she was an escort.
You just met her, dude … but sure.
He decides to head out and avenge Brittanys reputation.
She unleashes the tears.
She cant believe its the consequences for her actions!
Everyone rushes to the big porthole windows to watch Anna get walked off the grounds.
Heres the problem with all of this The Bachelorwants to have it both ways.
But they want Matt to appear noble and principled for escorting Anna out.
You dont get credit for removing the people who spread rumors when youre actively promoting those rumors.
You didnt have to air Anna calling Brittany an escort, but now the damage is done.
Victoria says what she did was all in silliness.
Calling other women psycho serial-killer sluts is so silly!
Matt sits down with Ryan and she says that Victoria called her a ho because she was a dancer.
What kind of Degrassi Junior High nonsense?
She winds up outside and weve joined the Omega timeline.
She starts ranting that everyone is a stupid moron and if Matt sends her home, shell literally die.
Shes the only one who can be a wife!!
Victorias reign is finally over.
She hides behind the other ladytestants and decides to take her turn to hug Matt and say good-bye last.
There are three toasts to celebrate Victoria being gone.
The next date card arrives.
Serena P, Bri, Katie, Pieper, Serena C, Ryan, Michelle, Brittany.
Magi, Abigail, Chelsea, Jessenia, and MJ are about to get dirty.
So that means Kit is getting the one-on-one date.
The fact that Kit has a one-on-one but not Abigail is a crime!
At dinner, Matt and Rachael reveal that theyve never been in love.
Rachael says shes never felt deserving of love and shes paralyzed by self-doubt.
This is where Matt says he loves that about her, which is A PROBLEM.
I suffer from social anxiety.
And I love that about you.
She says that shes already starting to fall in love with him and he says it back.
Not one of these again.
hey dear God, someone tell him hes not supposed to do that yet.
She wants to start her life with him and he can see that happening too.
Hes about to tell at least four more people the same thing.
She gets the rose.
Its time for the group date.
They head out to the farm portion of the hotel.
Matt claims that hes a country boy because hes from Raleigh.
You know, the country part of North Carolinas research triangle.
The evening portion of the date is when things get interesting.
MJ completely spirals and one strand of her hair stands taller the more unhinged she gets.
Matt takes Chelsea aside first and makes her feel special and says they have a deep connection.
Abigail tells him that she needs to tell him something vulnerable.
She talks about how if she has children, its likely that her children will be born deaf.
She also says that her father left when her and her sister got their cochlear implants.
He also makes Michelle feel special and tells her they have a deep connection.
MJ decides that the other women arethreatenedby her and she needs an apology from whoever ratted her out.
MJ preaches LOVE and FUCKING HARMONY, OKAY?
And if any of you bitches cant get that or follow her example, thats your fucking problem.
Jessenia tells MJ that she told Matt MJ created the JV versus Varsity taunt.
MJ says its a joke!
She leads by example!
MJ is being attacked and is owed an apology.
Abigail gets the group date rose!
She gets there and Matt says he actually loves to order dessert first so they make cookies together.
This is extremely relatable content.
What would it look like?
Kit has to be like, No, I know.
It would look like tonight.
Im surprised Matt hasnt gotten lost in one of his turtlenecks yet.
Matt makes Kit feel special and they have a deep connection.
She gets the rose.
There were a multitude of diverse voices, singing in union, all picking on the newcomers!
Thats leading by example!
To be continued …
