The Bachelor
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Shes coming in here.
IN screams an ABC executive.
Her KN95 is dripping with sweat.
She can buy it without the DIRTs, but it means so much more as a reward.
I dont care how you do it.
Spray the girl down for all I care.
Get her into that cocktail party.
I dont know what to tell you.
Theres literally a global pandemic.
Has everyone just forgotten?
What do you think Im doing here?
The covid compliance officer is pacing back and forth.
yo, just send her home.
Im sure shell meet Matt in Pensacola in about three weeks or whatever.
Two very attractive people meeting because theyve both been on this god-forsaken television program is inevitable.
There are so many holes….
Quarantine her.
Do it for like three full days, max.
Lets get to it.
Does anyone else feel personally let down by MJs fun hair?
Finally Matt arrives and hes looking for a wife, you guys.
Hes going to get to the bottom of the thing that there is footage of.
Hey everyone, who remembers MJ saying that thing?
Cool, bye MJ.
Instead Matt takes MJ and Jessenia aside to let them monologue at him.
So obviously, shes a thought leader in the house.
Jessenia just tells the truth, so no need for waterworks.
But ultimately, Matt cant give MJ that rose so hes going to have to walk her out.
He just puts her in the limo in absolute silence and watches her drive away.
MJ rides away talking about how Jessenia sabotaged her and how petty Jessenia is.
Its time for the cocktail party but actually not at all.
Matt knows what his heart needs to do so its time for the rose ceremony.
Also, Serena C takes this moment to make this Katies fault??!?!?!
Time for the rose ceremony!
Serena P, Michelle, Pieper, Bri, Chelsea, Katie, and Serena C all get roses.
That means our dear sweet Magi is going home!
She was trapped in a pumpkin!
Well, you were being totally mean and Katie didnt name names.
This is also clearly a narrative attempt to justify Katies departure in some way.
Cant wait for it to come up at the Women Tell All.
Heather Martin pulls up and… yall.
I cant do this.
I cant pretend that this isnt the most obvious producer manipulation.
She would have to quarantine for two weeks but is magically ready for the cocktail party?
Its time for Piepers one-on-one date.
He leads her into the woods and hands her a lantern because where theyre going is very dark.
Okay, that was his white side thinking that was a fun and sexy idea.
Pieper flips a switch in the woods and reveals a carnival manned by ghosts.
It seems that Matt is mainly concerned about if the women are someone he can have fun with.
hey tell this man about communication skills.
She gets the rose.
They go into another room and a band called Temecula Road are playing them a private concert.
Their song includes a lyric Youre the last song on an indie record no ones heard.
They were the only band available to quarantine.
That means Katie is getting the one-on-one!
The ladytestants are heading to the bowling alley.
What else does this resort have?
A laser tag arena and mini-golf?
Lets just go full sixth-grade birthday.
The winning team gets a cocktail party with Matt and the other girls have to go home.
Can you believe we used to bowl?
Hygiene-wise, I mean.
Dont cry, Rachael.
You just had your one-on-one date and the South WILL rise again!
Matt takes the ladies aside and reassures them the best he can.
He tells Chelsea that the reason shes here is because he can see himself with her.
He sets Chelsea up to be incredibly frustrated when she doesnt get the group date rose.
Either way, Tyler gives Matt advice about… being a contestant?
I hope Matt is able to see that Katie likes to have fun.
The single most important thing in a relationship.
Also, Katie does well on this date.
As well as you might on a date where youre tormenting a very hot man through spa-based pranks.
Finally, Matt and Katie sneak into the treatment room and Matt starts to massage Tyler.
Tyler looks up when Matts hands touch him.
Does he know Matts touch?
Does he remember those fingertips on his spine?
Its the #TreatYourBoysChallenge.
Katie and Matt head to the night portion of the date after learning literally nothing about each other.
Matt asks Katie if she was able to have fun in her last relationship and she says no.
Katie says shes getting better at recognizing the red flags and shes not changing anybody anymore.
Shes either accepting them or shes out, but shes fully committed to Matt and all his pranks.
There have been no indications that Matt needs anything other than what Katie has been serving up so far.
Why didnt he express that need to Katie or anyone else?
Why did he make Katie do this stupid ass date?
So of course, we can just have a totally norm ah, shit.
She gets trapped in a revolving door so were off to a great start!
She interrupts Matt with Pieper and Matt just starts laughing that HA HA HA laugh he does.
Pieper, can you give him a second to talk to this woman he clearly knows?
Pieper runs out to the other girls and screams WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?
Its Heather M, shes from Coltons season, and shes a possible covid vector.
