The Bachelor
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Does anyone else fall into a fugue state immediately after an episode ends and forget everything you just watched?
I watched the first two episodes back to back and realized I had absorbed nothing.
But the absolute worst part of it is I dont know who is going to save us!
It wont be Clayton.
It wont be Jesse Palmer.
I caught him taking the petals off a rose like it was a cupcake and taking a big bite.
We cannot rely on him!
And it certainly wont be the other women.
They think Clayton is seeing them for the first time because theyre all 24 and hes tall.
Also, Clayton says feelings are starting to develop and theyre getting serious.
The whats are doing what and theyre getting what?!?!
No no no no no no Im powering down help!!
Lets get to it.
We are not even at the rose ceremony.
Were in that weird pre-rose ceremony twilight.
Elizabeth is concerned Shanae is in the house at all because shes unpredictable.
As the episode goes on, Shanae gives off what can only be described as Ali Larter inObsessedenergy.
Clayton takes Shanae and Elizabeth aside and says hes interested in everyone having accountability.
That last one isnt a word but he uses it in every conversation.
Is it true she heard Sierra and Genevieve plotting to bring up her behavior to Clayton?
Is it true she had a little sexy dress that she wanted Clayton to see?
The problem is what she doesaroundthe honest information.
Thats where her bullshit lives, but shes telling Clayton the truth.
Shanae is fucking good.
In trying to deal with all the bullshit, the other women get dragged into Shanaes darkness!
He stares out into the night and says, Were talking about shrimp.
Elizabeth decides to remove herself from the situation because shes a lady and Shanae says a big one.
Shanae returns to the group, and yall, they just yelled about shrimp for 13 minutes.
Then they yelled about how they dont want to yell about shrimp.
It was exhausting except for when Genevieve shouted Is this about shrimp?
Because yes, it is about shrimp.
This all could have been avoided if Elizabeth had accepted some shrimp.
So thats how we end up with Shanae coming to Houston.
Shanae has pretty pretty blonde hair and gives him kisses.
But theres no time to reckon with the implications of giving Shanae a rose because were off to Houston!
Lyndsey is from there!
Hunter says, We are gonna see everything thats bigger and better whatever that means!
His friend Clarence stops by.
I am not invested in Clarence.
I am not invested in this show trying to sell us on Clayton the family man.
My guy, thats the whole premise of the show.
Thats how deciding on anything works and also how numbers work.
The first date of the week is for Rachel!
Clayton says shes charismatic, a pilot, so intelligent, absolutely beautiful, and humble!
Theyre riding horses at Hill House Farms, which I Googled to see to it it wasnt a plantation.
you’ve got the option to never be too careful.
Clayton says, and I quote, Country Clay might come out, whatever that means.
Dude,you said it,you should know what it means!
Who is this family?
Why are they having a barbecue?
Why dont we get introduced to anyone?
Why are they asking Rachel such personal questions?
Why is Rachel holding that beer like shes never drank one before?
Why is Rachel whispering so much?
WHO IS THIS FAMILY??!?!?!
When you say that, youre supposed to be talking aboutyourfriends and family.
You cant just put your date around some third-party friends and family and hope you glean some information.
At the end of the barbecue, Clayton tells the family they crushed it.
Clayton and Rachel head to a dock and make out and whisper to each other.
Thats the most honest depiction of Claytons internal struggle ever recorded.
Guys.Who was that family?
That means Serene is getting the other one-on-one date, but dont expect to see it this episode!
Her last boyfriend apparently read stories from the female partners of male pilots and extrapolated that data onto Rachel.
She says all she wants in a relationship is for a partner to support her job.
Clayton immediately says, Ill support your job and Rachel isin love.
She says Clayton sees her, and it makes her cry.
This is the absolute bare minimum of supporting or validating a partner.
Just repeating the question back as a complete sentence.
But how would Clayton support Rachel?
Would he be a stay-at-home dad if they had kids?
Would he move for her work?
Would he travel with her if necessary?
Theres always an Amy, and you oughta remember why Amy sucks!
Thats what support looks like!
She gets the rose.
Again, shes not technically wrong.
I guess thats something youd want!
Its the Bachelor Bowl!
Sierra and Marlena take the time to tackle Shanae even when she doesnt have the ball.
The losing team has to head back to the house, and Shanae is on the losing team.
The game was obviously rigged to inflict the most emotional damage on Shanae so she would lash out.
Were not getting Serenes one-on-one, huh?
But Shanae decides to clear her own name by showing up at the group date after-party.
It feels so good to get that off her chest.
Marlena says, You dont marry toxic.Smash cut toClayton and Shanae making out on the bar.
Oh, no, you fools!
You completely overestimated Claytons ability to turn down a woman paying attention to him.
Clayton doesnt want to get to the bottom of anything.
He doesnt want to conduct an investigation or ask one difficult question.
He doesnt want to live by his principles.
He wants to say, Its a nice bar.
Thats all he wants to do.
Let him be a doof!
You dont leave a third-grader in charge of the accounting department.
They do not have the skills to guide a team of professionals to success.
She throws the winning teams trophy in the bushes.
I look forward to her presence in the final four.
