The Bachelor
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And he was only abroad for a semester!
He would get drunk on French aperitifs and cry on our floor about how much he loved her.
She had made eye contact with him once.
He was just a naive little rube who we all had to clean up after.
I dont want this.
deploying their tears and disparage other women to get Matts attention.
Cant we just go back to that?
Lets get to it.
Oh my God, were still at the rose ceremony.
Sir, thats the speech for the beginning of the rose ceremony.
hey stop deviating from the discourse the show is known for.
Anyway, Khaylah, Mari, MJ, Kaili and Victoria all get roses.
Cheers to another week!
It includes the word buttocks.
Each of the ladytestants is tasked with writing their own love scene starring Matt James.
Matts story includes an extended description of the smell of chocolate cake and a woman dropping her purse.
All of the ladies read their passages in front of a live studio audience of the other ladytestants.
Serena C.s story rhymes, Kit uses some fun misdirects, Rachael says the phrase my groin fluttered.
Katie and Victorias stories are absolutely filthy.
A really fun game is trying to imagine what words are being bleeped.
Sarah cannot handle this.
The time has come for the afterparty and Matt takes Rachael aside first.
Rachael even says, Oh, you just really went for that, huh?
and Matt says he couldnt wait any longer.
hey get him a make-up wipe or some Carmex.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the next date card arrives and its for Serena P.!
Someone weve gotten zero screentime with so far.
While Matt is chatting with Katie, Sarah decides that shes had enough and heads over to the afterparty.
You are onThe Bachelor.What did you think would be happening?
Also, theres not usually a lot of commitment after the first date in most relationships.
If there was, Id be married to the first guy I went out with on OKCupid.
She is guided directly to where Matt is sitting with Katie and asks to interrupt.
Katie goes downstairs and immediately tells all the other ladytestants what is going on.
Sarah is telling Matt that she had to tell him how she was doing.
She could have waited until the group date thatshewas going to be on, but nope.
She had to do it right now.
No, you cannot.
Katie waits behind a room divider.
Sarah also asks Matt to walk her out when she finally has to leave.
Its very obvious that shes realized she can get as much time and attention as she wants.
Very cool lesson to learn on this show!
Sarah decides to come tell the women so they can hear from her what she did.
They heard it from Katie!
Victoria wants to know what was so serious that she had to interrupt their group date.
Well, thats private.
Victoria is saying accurate things!!
Katie comes out and asks, Is what youre going through insecurity?
Because were all dealing with that and youve already had a one-on-one!
Good night, ladies!
The next day its time for Serena P.s one-on-one dajust fucking kidding.
I just wrote in my notes in all-caps READ THE ROOM MATT.
Can he at least mouthwash before he takes Serena P. out?
And again, the optics are WILD.
Time for his date with Serena P. They ride horses and Matt tells her that he loves turtles.
This is a man who kinda looks like a sea turtle and hes always wearing turtlenecks.
He should be moving away from this association but hes running toward it.
What caused him to do that?
What lessons has he learned?
What was his longer, more serious relationship like?
Id love to hear about that, but I guess we just never will.
That was her biggest mistake.
Just stay up in your room, lady.
The rest of the women are ready to get their frustrations off their chest.
It would make no sense for us all to wear flag tees, Christina.
Its March and it makes no sense thematically with our *NSYNC song choice!!!!
Sarah apologizes and wants to erase the air and says her timing was bad.
She was planning on going home and she just wanted to talk to him.
The mistake Sarah makes is she doesnt just own up to how shitty the baseline behavior is.
It wasnt shitty because her timing was bad.
It was selfish and inconsiderate behavior.
Everyone is mad about the unfair situation theyre all in with Sarah.
But Sarah cant see that.
You cant make someone understand something they dont want to understand.
Instead, all the women are saying, Just say you wanted the attention!
Sarah isnt special or unknowable.
In fact, they all know exactly who she is and they would like her to stop.
The moment thats a little too harsh is when Victoria and Kit basically tell Sarah to fuck off.
Sarah thinks shes made amends and made a good apology but she just… hasnt!
MJ is totally within her rights to need time to cool down!
And Sarah cant see shes affected everyone andtheyrethe ones who need to cool off.
Beautiful nuance and compassion from Dildo Girl.
Sarah heads over to Matts house to tell him that shes decided to leave.
He says he doesnt want to lose her.
Okay, thats a bit much.
Next week five random new women!
Because this worked out so well for Tayshia!
