The Bachelor
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An ABC executive stands at the door in a beautifully appointed palaceslashtherapists office.
What can I do for you?
The ABC executive sits down on the chaise: Nice to meet you.
That is what you want, but what do you need?
the psychoanalyst says as she peers over her glasses at the ABC executive.
Im the one who has to do EVERYTHING around here.
I need … some goddamned help, the ABC executive finally says.
Und how can your partner give you that?
He can step the fuck up and actually do his job and be the goddamned Bachelor.
Und what would it take for him to do that?
Lets get to it.
What in the hell?
Clayton actually has a backbone and shows some good decision-making skills in the moment?
Okay, someone has to bring applesauce and cheddar-cheese cubes for the afternoon snack more often!
The bar is practically on the floor, and he meets that incredibly low bar.
But before we can applaud Clayton for completing a task, we have to deal with Sarah and Mara.
Our order is wrong, and the waiter should know about it.
When she gets back to the hotel, shes coming in HOT.
Which one of you dumb idiots thought you could take me down?
If you come for the queen, you best not miss!
she says, slapping Gabby in the face.
Mara still insists this is all for Claytons benefit and shes just looking out for his best interests.
Sarah just isnt ready to be a wife at 23 years old.
From what we learn later in this episode, shes right!
This should have been our two-on-one!
Bring back the seasons with multiple two-on-ones!
Okay, its been like 12 minutes, and its already time for the rose ceremony?
I am completely unmoored from space and time.
This is all feeling very fast.
Its time for the rose ceremony!
At this point, I said out loud, Oh my God, Genevieve is still here?
She had not spoken a word this entire episode.
Susie, Serene, Gabby, and Genevieve get roses.
Mara and Eliza are going home.
They didnt get a one-on-one date, so theyre going home.
When Mara hugs Clayton, I notice her square-tip nails and everything comes into focus.
I know exactly who this woman is, and shes saying I love you, girls!
to everyones face but I hope this all bites her in the ass about Sarah to the camera.
Fly away, you square-nailed bitch!
Its time for another international trip, and theyre heading to Vienna!
Its the perfect city and the perfect place to fall in love.
The theme for this week is FAIRY TALE and PSYCHOANALYSIS!
Lets get to the first penis of the week …
I mean first date, fuck.
Susie gets the weeks first date, and its the Princess/Pretty Woman date!
Susie keeps shouting, THIS IS SO OUT OF MY ELEMENT!
Their next stop is at Eva Poleschinskis private gallery to selectthis red gown.
Because you dont feel worthy?
What the fuck, dude?
Do you think you have to do everything yourself because youre so independent?
Susie tells him her parents came from humble beginnings and thats why she has always been independent.
This makes me LOSE.
This is the wildest musical-guest appearance in the shows history, and I will not explain my reasoning.
Who cares if this matters or if this is relevant at all to anyones life?
Shes wearing red, and theres a song about wearing red.
Chris de Burgh whispers, I love you, as the song ends.
Ive lost my mind.
Its time for the group date.
Sarah, Teddi, Genevieve, Rachel, and Gabby all head to couples therapy.
This date is amazing.The Bacheloris innovating in the space.
They should do this date every season.
I dont care if that woman is a real psychoanalyst or a producer who puts on an Austrian accent.
She does what needs to be done.
Genevieve nods in silence and exits.
Then Rachel has to have her session!
The other key piece of drama comes when the therapist says one of the women is actually the Mole.
Rachel says that at the after-party, everyone should finally speak up about what Sarah is doing.
Call this season Arkham Asylum because its chock-full of villains.
Look who just wore his big-boy underwear overnight for the first time!
Sarah says her face is dry because she has no more tears left to cry.
Save it, Ariana Grande.
Clayton tells her that trust is the most important thing (since when?)
and asks to walk her out.
Sarah keeps asking if they can just talk about this!
Finally, its time for his one-on-one date with Serene.
Were not just bringing anybody home.
She feels she might have wasted part of her 20s dating this guy who hasnt been there.
She validated him, and she gets the rose.
Its time for the rose ceremony, and Teddi doesnt get a rose.
Like we all knew this was coming?
At this point in the episode, it is inevitable.
In the preview for Hometowns and beyond, that teases that maybe Clayton ends up alone.
I wonder if that was the historic announcement Mike Fleiss kept teasing on Twitter!
