The Bachelor
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Have you ever seen a woman more beautiful?
Have you ever seen a woman more alluring?
Have you ever seen a woman more prepared to drolly recapThe Bachelorfranchise?
Thats right …
Im back, my beautiful babies.
But Im back and better than ever?
Yeah, lets go with better than ever.
Im all caught up, and I have so many questions.
Do I have face blindness, or do half of these women all look alike?
Im not saying theyalllook alike.
Im saying that there are three faces available, and no one has bought an expansion pack.
Is Sierra using Fenty Fairy Bomb or a discontinued tub of Jessica Simpsons Dessert by Jessica Simpson?
How is the show burning through villain edits this fast?
But the biggest question I have is, Why wont they let Clayton be a big, dumb slut?
I mean this in the nicest possible way.
Justice for the himbo!
Long live the big dumb sluts!
Hes clearly a big ol dummy who likes to smooch.
Why wont they let us have our first himbo Bachelor?
Instead of forcing this guy tovalidateandacknowledgeeveryones emotional needs, he needs to be taking everyone to laser tag.
Thats more his speed.
And every woman says Clayton makes her feel so comfortable.
A Clayton has its purpose, and its not as the Bachelor.
Its being in your phone as Maybe: Clayton for three whole months.
Lets get into it.
We are still at a rose ceremony because the show wanted to wait for me.
Thank you, show.
The mighty hubris of a blonde on reality TV.
She is Icarus in a red dress.
Cassidys crime is she has a fuck buddy shes trying to impress by going onThe Bachelor.Oh, sweetie.
Thats … not how this is going to work.
Let me give a word of advice to all 26-year-olds: Hes not jealous.
Hes never going to be jealous.
Someone explain to me why either of these men are on my screen.
Just letThe Bachelorbe hosted by an animated nacho chip named Chip Harrison.
But Jesse does remind him that there are no rules, and Clayton can do whatever he wants.
Clayton goes back in and pulls Cassidy aside.
She tells him she already knows what hes going to say.
We never come back to it, but I desperately want to know what Cassidy thought Clayton would say.
What was so unspoken between them that was finally going to be named?
She hasnt been in a relationship since 2019.
Well, shes had an interest in him.
It doesnt matter because Claytons trust and their connection have been shaken.
And thus a rose is rescinded, and Cassidy didnt even pack her stuff!
Its time for the rose ceremony?!?!?!
Clayton thanks everyone for their continued patience as the organization restructures.
There will be two group dates and one one-on-one date.
Clayton is hiding behind a potted plant.
Inside, a woman is cloaked in darkness, and its Kaitlyn Bristowe!
They blew their celebrity budget on Hilary Duff!
Kaitlyn is there to guide them through exercises to open up and be vulnerable.
The statement is If there are parts of yourself youre not proud of, stand up.
Everyone stands up because youd definitely be an asshole if you didnt.
Let me just say one thing about this exercise:
CAST A FAT PERSON.
CAST A FAT PERSON FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU FUCKING ANIMALS.
It was high school!
No one has abs!
It sounded like a couple of bad years.
Which is fine!!!
Everyone says they have a strong connection with him, which he repeats, and they make out.
Can someone point me to the front-runner so far?
Were three episodes in; I should at least know your key in!
I guess his jot down is human woman.
Its time for Sarahs one-on-one date.
Sarah is a beautiful human woman inside and out and has a strong connection with Clayton.
Interesting, go on.
GIVE ME ONE SPECIFIC DETAIL ABOUT ANY OF THESE PEOPLE AND HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER!
Back at the house, everyone is saying the wordshrimpentirely too much.
Its lost all meaning and shape.
Thats entirely too much shrimp for one woman.
Shanae is furious that Elizabeth does not profusely thank her for the second serving.
This is the best drama we can manage?
Sarah tellshimthat he deserves to find love.
Girl, hes a straight white man who used to play in the NFL; theres no debate there.
Shes 24, so this just blasted her promposal out of the top spot.
The theme for the date today is Uh …Baywatch, I guess?!?!
No shade to Nicole Eggert, but were we really watching Baywatch like that?
Shanae goes up to Clayton and puts a little dab on each of his nipples!
Shanae is here to win.
Its a real bummer shes a complete nightmare of a person.
If she were like 12 percent less awful, shed be a truly iconic contestant.
But hes a himbo; we cant expect that much from him.
Gabby wins somehow because she managed to be quirky and sexy, so she gets extra time with him.
Shanae plots that this will be the night she gets rid of Elizabeth.
Its time for the night portion of the date, andwhatis Melina wearing?!?
Also, all the women love Claytons leather jacket and takewaytoo much time going Ooh, leather!
None of these people knows anything about each other.
Rachel tells him she wants a better connection with him and lunges at his face.
Gabby says she has layers and rubs aloe on his back.
But now Shanae puts her plan into action: Just straight up lie about Elizabeth!
Clayton decides to take Elizabeth aside to tell her that Shanaes mental health is wavering.
We all can see that, my guy.
Elizabeth starts crying, and those look like more real tears.
Clayton is perplexed and wants them to figure it out.
Fantastic work, big guy!
from every trailer for this season.
Gabby gets the group date rose, and Shanaes eyes narrow and shoot lasers directly at Elizabeth.
Its not an official To Be Continued, but its a To Be Continued …
