The Bachelor
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There is so much stuff happening.
Do you ever feel like theres just too much stuff happening at all times all around you?
ALL IN THIS EPISODE!
Thats entirely too much stuff.
When the real problem is …
Who gives a shit?
Im good in bed.
Im tired of cooking.
Im tired of cleaning.
And Im absolutely, positively EXHAUSTED at being good in bed.
Im no longer bringing anything to the table, and I want that for all of you.
When it came to the two-on-one, WHO GIVES A SHIT?!?!
What connection or relationship does Clayton have with Genevieve?
Where is the narrative satisfaction?
This is not the key in of two-on-one we were raised on.
Is anyone remotely emotionally invested in this season?
Whats the difference between Rachel and Susie?
Im begging for something to inspire me to give a single, solitary shit.
Lets get to it.
WERE STILL DOING THIS TWO-ON-ONE DATE.
This is the cheapest-looking date setup Ive ever seen.
Clayton kisses Genevieve to end the conversation file in his brain.
Shanae has given the episode narrative structure and emotional conflict.
Shes a monster, but shes a producers dream.
Shanae also manages to stare directly into the sun long enough to force some tears out.
There are entire textbook chapters about white women crying.
There are entire documentaries about white women crying.
Greater minds than I have written more words about the impact of white ladies crying.
Theres NOTHING MORE TO SAY.
So Shanae, I cannot give you this rose.
Nothing Clayton says is rooted in any reality I recognize.
Genevieve gets the rose.
Shanae is a terrible person and a great reality-TV star.
I look forward to everyone involved learning nothing from this experience and sending her down to Paradise!
They all start chanting, they pop Champagne, PEOPLE ARE CRYING.
It looks like the liberation of France.
Everyone gets a chance to deliver a quippy line to celebrate Shanaes elimination and production left them all in.
Was Marlenas herpes outbreak joke really that funny?!?!
Every time Clayton summarizes what he learned that week, it sounds like someone reading a kindergarteners note home.
Clayton did learn how to make tough decisions and follow his heart, but he ate three buttons.
Then, girl, go home!
This isnt time for you to figure out if you want to be with Clayton.
Thats not the setup here.
Mara goes outside and chants her strong-woman mantras.
Clayton thanks everyone for their patience, and hes following his heart and doing his best.
Then he shows them a handprint turkey he made.
Time for the Rose Ceremony.
Sarah, Serene, Susie, Teddi, Eliza, and Mara all get roses.
The first date of the week is Teddi!
They walk through the streets and talk about how many pretty alleyways there are in the city.
This story of her virginity is … a whole story.
An IUD and a reliance on hand stuff would avoid a lot of those concerns.
Clayton asks her lots of questions to figure out exactly where the limits of this self-imposed love boundary lie.
Does the other person have to be in love too?
Can it be in writing?!?!
She says that love means feeling safe, and she feels safe with Clayton.
Shes allowing herself to fall for him.
Clayton gives her the first-date rose.
Its time for the group date!
The ladies head out into the walls of Hvar and find two knights fighting each other.
But PLOT TWIST: The Croatian warrior is a woman!
Again, who gives a shit?
Mara has also fallen into the trap that winning the group date guarantees getting the group-date rose.
DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF!
THIS IS NOT INDEPENDENT-WOMAN RHETORIC!!
If all you wanna bring to the table is your ability to be a traditional wife, FINE.
Shes scared but so turned on.
Rachel isgood.This is not the first football player shes tricked into buying her a steak dinner.
Im talking about Sarah.
He also says, Well, words are words, which … is kind of a point.
But Mara thinks that this will get her a rose.
No one gives the snitch a rose.
Rachel gets the group-date rose, obviously.
Mara is upset because she cant help but feel exhausted that Clayton isnt giving her anything.
Then leave, bitch!
Clayton heads back home after the group date, and theres a note at the door.
Clayton thinks that an anonymous informant will be meeting him at midnight with a dossier of evidence.
Yes, I did.
Fuck yes, Susie.
Lock down that rose!
Clayton says this is the validation hes been looking for, and he knows the process is working.
He can see himself falling in love with Susie, and thats all he needs to hear.
Clayton goes to Jesse for advice, and Jesse looks and sounds like hes been Photoshopped into this conversation.
Jesse talks like an NPC in a video game.
Keep your heart open.
Trust in your heart.
Watch for Minotaurs in the forest.
When Sarah hears this information, she fucking breaks down.
Shes shown him sides of herself she doesnt show anyone else, and shes ready to be engaged.
Then Sarahs emotions turn from shock and sadness to white-hot rage.
Who the fuck did this?
What the fuck was that!
Someone is upset in their relationship and trying to throw Sarah off her game.
Someone is throwing her under the bus.
She knows shes dealing with an amateur.
Someone is about to feel some Croatian justice.
To be continued …
