The Bachelor
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
We just have to get to it, right?
Or a series of half-assed wordplay: Northern lights?
More like Late Night Fights.
We can admit it.
A chaos that will tear the timeline and Reddit apart for WEEKS.
Lets get to it.
Uh … we can all agree that Gabby and Rachels dates narratively dont matter, right?
They could have just shown us their dates as silent movies while a pipe organ played in the background.
Theyre two possums in love.
Our Presidents Choice Hannah Brown is the one who will take down this entire season.
Clayton started the episode beingin lovewith Susie and open to falling in love with Gabby and Rachel.
How did we get here?
No, Im genuinely asking.
How did we get here?
But there has to be more to it than that.
Does he think hes only allowed to sleep with multiple women if hes in love with them?
Does he not know what love is?
Does he listen to songs by Foreigner and go, Me too, Lou Gramm.
I mean … ugh … if we could just … oof … the thing is …
I cant believe Im going to say what Im about to say but:Clayton is right.
Im sorry, maam.
This is a logic puzzle that only someone capable of mind reading would be able to do.
Clayton is not capable of that.
Clayton is just getting the hang of sight words.
Do not be fooled!
Susie is allowed to change her mind.
But she has totell him that.
And you guys, Clayton was so excited!
He wanted to have such a good time in Iceland!
He got to kiss three hot ladies and thats all he has ever wanted!
Rachel has the first date, and Clayton takes her 400 feet down into an inactive volcano.
Which, yeah, dude!
The vibes are off!
Youre bad at this!
Clayton hasnt been able to generate any real romantic moments this whole season.
Plus he cant say something he likes about these women that doesnt involve himself.
Theyre a hard worker.
Theyre a good tipper.
Theyre passionate about bird conservation.
Not I love them because they love me.
He is also walking home in his sweatsuit and fancy overcoat.
Now its time for Gabbys date.
The order of these dates has been designed to inflict the most psychic damage on Susie.
This was also when I started to write in my notes Is Clayton aware of this incredibly complicated test?
Gabby hopes her date is going to be whale watching with champagne and strawberries.
She requests champagne and/or strawberries no fewer than three times in this episode.
We havent discussed it much, but Gabby has such #BimboResurgence energy.
That blooper of her spraying sunscreen and walking through it like Miss Piggy?
Shes giving me Lorelei Lee and she should be our next Bachelorette.
(Im not scared of you, computer illusions!)
It is now unclear if she actually means this.
Gabby says Clayton can appreciate all the different sides of her and that the other parrot only tells lies.
Susie produced her own B-roll for the episode and yknow what?
He seems upset about this but not enough to preemptively deal with it.
Susie and Clayton are scrubbing each others bodies and making out in a glass outdoor shower.
For two people about to emotionally demolish each other, they have a lot of chemistry.
How they felt was very clear.
Susie expected Clayton to read her mind and respect her boundary without communicating it.
Clayton expected Susie to follow thevery clear rulesof this television program.
The idea of discussing anything with someone youre dating for seven hours sounds like a fucking nightmare.
Because she was basically saying that without being aware of it.
Clayton had the worst reaction after Jesse did absolutely nothing and Susie asked him to come inside.
She basically said, I believe everything you said.
Maybe Im asking too much and I feel so shitty.
But Im not willing to accept it and thats that.
And Clayton didnt even have a bad reaction.
He had A Reaction.
He is allowed to be upset!
Being upset or angry or sad or disappointed when someone you really likebreaks up with youis not unreasonable.
Who among us hasnt had a shitty fight with our partner or during a breakup?
Have I ever lost my train of thought mid-sentence and wound up arguing a completely different point?
Thats just the human experience.
Have I ever just laid out a list of demands and sat silent until they were met?
And Im proud of it.
This was a shitty fight!
Two people reached an impasse and just were bad arguers.
Im a bad arguer sometimes!
Do your thing, Twitter and Reddit!
See you at the rose ceremony from hell!
My ears are bleeding.
