The Bachelor
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In the pantheon of all-time great villains, Shanae has just knocked Hans Gruber off the list.
She is not someone you would want to get stuck next to on your cousins bachelorette-party bus.
(Every bachelorette-party bus has a Shanae.)
My first line of notes for this episode was YOU STUPID BITCHES, YOUVE MADE HER THE MAIN CHARACTER!
This is the Shanae show, and you all are just trying to catch up.
Hopefully, Clayton will eventually tire of Shanae, but … he hasnt yet?!?
He might never tire of her!
What futureCupcake Warscan resist that?
I hate that I keep having to say this!
But I will continue saying it because I do not believe in respecting men for their contributions to society!
Or theyd have enough of a backbone to say, Yknow what?
Shes hot and blonde, and honestly, thats basically all it takes!
Clayton isnt doing either.
Oh, no, the pyramids arereal.You know that right?
I know what we can do …
Lets get to it.
Okay, where are we in time and space?
Quick, name three things you might see and two things you might smell to ground yourself.
I can see: the Texas Medical Center.
The BAPS Shri Swaminarayan Mandir.
The biggest rodeo in the country.
And I can smell: Galveston Bay.
Garlic-butter crawfish … and the biggest rodeo in the country.
Weve come back from the group date, and everyone is freaking out about Shanae.
This only gives her power.
But theres no time for that!
Its Serenes one-on-one date.
Clayton is waiting for Serene at Pleasure Pier, and Serene runs and jumps into his arms.
Have these two had a conversation?
Serene, youre not into Clayton.
He asks, What are you in the mood for?
Besides me?That!
That is charming and silly!
After all weve been through, we deserve a horny, silly Bachelor.
Ive been told that, too.
All that means is youre a Black woman who isnt currently smiling.
He would text me things like I think Ive figured you out you value your family.
Thats not a secret or incredibly illuminating.
What he meant was youre a Black woman who is not what I expected.
So, Serene, dont tell Clayton theres some mystery to you.
He just doesnt know you yet.
Well, in Claytons house, his mom listened to him, but its like … the same thing.
A traumuse-bouche, if you will.
Serene says shes at peace even though shes trying her best to get through it.
Clayton says, Yeah, thats a lot.Those are the first words he says!
Not Im sorry for your loss or That must be so difficult, but Thats a lot.My guy!
Im begging you: Learn another phrase.
There are so many women who will tell you more difficult things!
Serene tells Clayton hes got kind eyes so hes easy to talk to.
She gets the rose.
Its time for the cocktail party?
What day is it?
Clayton knows hes got to handle this whole Shanae thing, and hes going to do it strategically.
It looks pretty chill so far!
He takes the winning team aside and asks them what happened on the date.
Sierra is the one who tells him Shanae took the trophy and threw it in a pond.
Was there a pond?
It looked like it went into a bush.
I really want you here, but you have to apologize.
You cant give her the answers and then feel relieved she passed the test!
Going way too far.
Saying things she didnt mean.
The women start accepting her apology, and not one says, Saying what things you didnt mean?
Going too far and doing what?
My kingdom for a follow-up question!
Alsowhywould you accept this apology??
Claytonmakes outwith Shanae to reward her!
Everyone here is colossally stupid!!!
Shanae will go home when Shanae decides to go home.
Then her eyes turn bloodred and she cackles so loud it shatters the mirrors.
Time to go international!
Youre not supposed to want that.
Were trying to avoid that.
Hes almost looking forward to falling in love with multiple women.
I fully cannot wait for the shitshow this will become.
But first, its time for the one on one of the week.
We love each other!
Shanae is a truth-teller, and shes the wrong person delivering the right message.
Go ahead, cancel me!
But it feels like production doesnt realize they can go places and do things on these city dates.
Why are we playing childrens hockey in the street?
This isnt a real graffiti wall.
Does Toronto have one of those Instagram museums?
Just have them do that.
Gabby gets on the ground to pet a dog, and girl, get up.
Youve taken cute and quirky too far.
Youre lying on your back on a city street.
Before the night portion of Serenes date, the next date card arrives.
By process of elimination, Genevieve and Shanae are going on the two on one.
Genevieve is an avid watcher of the show, and Shanae just says, Maybe itll be fun!
You magnificent, diabolical bitch.
Clayton asks if she thinks shell be able to mend her relationship with her mom.
Its not Thats a lot, but it still struck me as a kind of immature response.
Thats not usually how it works, Tyra.
But again Clayton just cant relate or offer up any part of himself to keep these conversations moving.
Clayton, have you been to therapy?
I thought your whole story line was you were an underdog who didnt believe he would find anyone.
Maybe you could relate?
Okay, Gabby gets the group date rose.
Its time for the group date!
The women head over to Distillery Lane to meet with Clayton.
Its going to be a regular, fun date untiluh-oh!
Were doing comedy over here!
The contestants have gotten somewhat uglier!
Clayton is from Missouri hes vanilla as fuck!Good lord.
I dont think so, and I like to think I am a bit of a joke specialist!
So now we must watch hot people attempt comedy.
Lord, why have you forsaken me!
Are you trying to make like … an incest joke … ?
Why is this whats happening?
Susie makes a decent bench-warming joke, and Eliza says Clayton has a dump-truck ass.
Then Mara gets onstage and just looks Sarah in the eye and calls her a desperate bitch.
Time for the after-party!
Two of the five are about his smile.
Marlena wants Clayton to notice that shes acing all the dates so rose, like!
He says hes always thinking about her and someone else has to really step up to beat their connection.
Rachel gets the group-date rose.
Its time for Shanae and Genevieve to leave for their two-on-one date.
Goddamn it, shes good.
