The Bachelor
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I guess this all happened.
At this point, Im not entirely sure.
But looking back on this season, what did we get for all of it?
What was taken from us, and what did we get in return?
Because if it was, I would have feltsomethingat the end of all this.
Where was even a single ounce of romance?
Where was an iota of sentimentality?
Where was even the tiniest smidge of emotion?
I guess this is happening and we all have to live with it.
Lets get to it.
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I dont find this cute!
Jesse tells Susie that Clayton wants to see her again, and Susie says shes still really emotional.
Clayton sits with his parents and is like, Oh, shes supercool.
Susie comes in, and Clayton neither stands to greet her nor asks to take her coat.
Sir, this is a woman youre trying to woo; put in some effort.
Susie tells Claytons dad that shed like to keep her coat on because this … wont take long.
She tells him that he made her question her intuition and inner voice.
Susie says shes not ready to decide yet and goes off into the cold Iceland night.
Hes going to break up with them now?!?
After Gabby tried to leave and Rachel briefly won by default??
After he has made both of them meet his family?
Why not just walk out into the night and never return?
At this point, it would inflict the least emotional damage.
Clayton sits them down for the franchises first two-on-none anti-date.
Im very sorry, but your position is being eliminated.
Gabby just straight up leaves and its fucking amazing.
Everything Gabby says and does in the next moments of the show is incredibly iconic.
Clayton says, I do love you and Gabby goes, THAT IS BULLSHIT!!
She calls him utterly ridiculous and says his actions speak louder than his words.
He was doubling and tripling down on terrible decisions to avoid … what?
Looking bad on camera?
As anyone with a mountain of credit-card debt can tell you, those bills always come due.
Gabby for Bachelorette (one of two)!!
Rachel is an at-will employee and her contract will be severed from this day going forward.
She also says that he never gave her any indication that it wasnt going to be her.
Thats why he made you feel like he loved you.
He was never fighting for her.
She fought like hell for the relationship and believed that he was fighting, but he wasnt.
He wont because he ends up with Susie!
Any and all emotional growth or emotional responsibility is neutered by Clayton ending up with Susie in the end.
Did he grow emotionally?
Just a little bit to win Susie back.
Did he take accountability?
A little bit, probably because Susie told him thats what he needed to do.
Will he continue to grow and make himself a better person?
He got what he wanted!
All three women were reduced to two-dimensional figures in the come-from-behind underdog story of Claytons season.
IS THIS WHAT THEY MEANT ON THE POSTERS?!?!?
Everyone loves an underdog?
Was it about this?!!
Okay, hang on, we gotta finish up with Rachel.
Then Clayton says this line about how he should have asked more questions and made fewer assumptions.
Um … was that what he did with Rachel, though?
He said that line first with Gabby and it barely made sense with Gabby.
You should be learning different lessons, dude!!
Then sleep with them.
Then break up with them … like twice.
With all my decisions, I was following my heart and doing what I think is best.
At the end of the day, thats all I can say that I did.
I did do that.
Its the fuckboys everything happens for a reason.
Its time for Clayton to make one final play for Susie.
Production built this goddamn Viking-core proposal altar and they get their fucking moneys worth.
I really wish she showed up in jeans and a hoodie.
Imagine putting all that makeup on just to turn around and leave.
When I get my brows done, I be running extra errands just so more people can see them.
Also, the show just fading out and Jesse saying, Clayton got rejected!
No post-reconciliation attempt confessional from Clayton.
No montage of Clayton throwing himself into a pyre in Iceland.
Just back to the studio.
They dont give A FUCK about Clayton and his story.
The show is also telling Clayton its over.
You know how I know they dont give a fuck?
They didnt edit together some happy-couple footage of Clayton and Susie.
Even if they got together way after the season finished wrapping, everyone involved was still under contract.
No one could grab a GoPro and show them making breakfast together?
So where do we end up with Susie and Clayton?
Susie says they expect a little backlash, but they want people to root for them.
I root for one celebrity couple and one celebrity couple alone: Bennifer.
Their segment ends with Clayton presenting her with one final rose in the most awkward way humanly possible.
And the next Bachelorette isnt Gabby or Rachel.
I need to go lie down forever!!!
