The Real Housewives of Miami
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We all go to Miami on vacation, right?
We jaunt down when things get too cold or boring or contentious in our lives back home.
I feel like, as Housewives fans, we also vacation in Miami.
The episode kicks off and we catch up with our favorite ladies.
Never heard of her.
Of course I have.)
Marysol shows up at Alexias salon for a free pedicure.
This is all I wanted.
No one is being investigated.
There are no lawyers.
Dumber gets to go first, so Guerdy and Alexia are at odds because …
I dont even know.
Guerdy says she had another event the day Alexia had her party, so she cant help her.
I get that, but the brush-off seemed a little brusque.
Guerdys mad at Alexia because she says she only calls her when she needs something.
I get it, sister.
We all got that friend.
But Alexia is also a client, so cash those checks.
But why is she comparing?
What is this conversation?
I assume thats what happened, but I dont know.
We are not being well informed about this fight, and you know what?
There is no resolution to this fight.
We dont need one.
We will dine all season off this non-beefy beef like an all-you-can-eat Impossible Burger buffet.
How delightfully low stakes is this?
You want it even pettier?
Dont worry, girl I got you.
She called them these things in a comment on Instagram.
Not even her own comment in response to someone elses comment.
At first, I thought she was getting angry about nothing.
Then Julia is at Larsas party telling some unknown dude that she milks goats.
She is a weirdo.
That is, like, the lowest-grade insult one could possibly lob.
Larsa doesnt invite Juliandra to the pre-party because she doesnt want them in her home.
Adriana does bring Larsa flowers complete with an actual olive branch, though, which is sweet.
Shockingly, Larsa says something smart about the literal olive branch.
She says that Adriana did this so that Larsa would forget everything that Adriana ever said to her.
That is like every Housewives apology.
Like, a woman says shes sorry and all of her past misdeeds are supposed to vanish.
It doesnt work like that.
Its not bankruptcy (just ask Teresa Giudice).
I bet the person with whom Larsa had no idea she would fight is Lisa Hochstein.
After the hang, Lisa realizes it wasnt Larsas building this account was talking about but another one.
She tells us in confessional that she cant think without a cocktail, that it is like her vitamins.
Know someone else who had the same problem?
When Lisa arrives, Larsa says, Welcome to the hood.
This is where this dumb fight all starts.
Lisa never said that her place was hood or gross.
What she was insinuating was that it was full of rich people who got their money by undesirable means.
Larsa, though, is deeply offended.
Lady, you just bought the penthouse.
Dont get too wrapped up.
I live for this shit.)
My problem with Larsa, though, is how she fights.
Larsa then tells Lisa that she has to rent her house out every weekend to pay her mortgage.
The problem is its not.
And she keeps dragging Lisa for it.
This is on the public record.
There is no denying this.
It really goes left when Larsa says, I earned my shit unlike you.
It was Scotties money that allowed her to be hanging with the Kardashians.
Her friendship with Kim got her a huge social-media platform.
And it wasall of thatthat allowed her to make her own money.
Earlier in the episode, we saw Lisa telling Kiki and Marysol that Lenny has never looked better.
She says he is working out with a trainer, eating right, and getting fit.
He better be doing that for me and not someone else, she tells them.
Sorry we have seen your future, and we know how this ends.
