The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
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Yall have seenThe Jinx, right?
If not, stop reading right here.
Like, maybe the wildest Ive ever seen?
But I should probably at least pretend to care about some horseback-riding-ATV-spa-day hullabaloo.
Heather recognizes that Lisas ride-or-dies are doing exactly zero riding.
Lisa apologizes for getting everyone totally yelled atyesterday after telling Meredith everyone thought she lied about her dads memorial.
Both gals compare notes and realize the stories they were told dont match up.
Meredith has plenty of other shit they can dig their claws into.
Plus, Lisas got ten years worth of Marks family secrets hiding in that waist-long mane.
Both Jen and Whitney pledge to bring up these issues later.
I dont love doing the bulleted list of disaster thing, but Im up against a word count.
I need to save space for a fully transcribed bombshell, and there is just TOO MUCH.
Meredith accepts the gift.
Mary goes inside to get another layer and refuses to bring Whitney one.
Jennie tells everyone about her tiff with Mary at spa day.
Whitney is back on herTopgolf-era shit-stirringand immediately asks Mary if she likes Jennie.
Things go further off the rails.
Lisa starts muttering to Meredith about kindness.
Lisa snaps at Jen about triggering.
Lisa says this isnt about her and then makes it entirely about her.
Lisa snaps, WHO IS THERE FOR FUCKING ME BECAUSE NOBODY IS THERE FOR ME.
While Jens adjusting her areolas or something away from the table, Lisa continues her tirade.
Mary, mouth full of taco bowl, mumbles that Lisa isnt kind.
Lisa screams at Mary for being fake.
THIS IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE.
If Lisa wants to eat Kit Kats for breakfast and Crunchwrap Supremes for lunch, that is her business!
Lisa agrees, securing the Taco Bell spon for Barlow generations to come.
Meredith keeps gulping but refuses to intervene.
Lisa says Marys church is fake and also Lisa Barlow is an amazing human.
I am real; lets look up your stuff.
I pass out at the mere thought of Lisa logging into her Reddit account at the table.
They get back into it.
Whitney quotes scripture via Rachel Hollis via a Canva template (presumably).
I dont care about anything else that happens at the table from this point forward because BARLOW GOES OFF-ROAD.
So without further adieu, the Barlow Burn Book entry for all of eternity:
Im leaving.
I am fucking done.
What Meredith did is so fucked up.
Meredith can go fuck herself.
Im done with her cause Im not a fucking whore, and I dont cheat on my husband.
Her and her dumb fucking family that poses.
Why dont you own a house?
Wait, you cant.
Cause your husband changes jobs every five minutes.
Fake Meredith is a piece of shit.
Ill have your back.
Im offended by that.
Fuck you, that fucking piece of shit garbage whore.
Shes fucked half of New York!
She can go fuck herself!
Here, you’re able to have my mic back.
I do not use this word lightly, but LEGENDARY.
I have so many questions.
Who was she talking to?
Did a producer bring this tirade forth?
Theres no way JB HUSBAND BOSS egged this on, right?
Could it somehow be an accident?
Coming from the same broad whos been busted mouthing lines to her spawn all season?
ANYWAY, I guess that was the bombshell.
See ya next week for … ?
Crossing my fingers and toes because this season will not quit.
Oh, and that impeccable Barlow blowup.
Like, at this point?
