The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
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Hello and welcome back to Salt Lake City!
It is perfect television!
There are six angles!
Heather asking Whitney about shotskis!
Lisa looking like Janis Joplin if Janis Joplin ran an MLM!
A new cast member sans introduction!
Stockpiles of Charleston Chews!
And thats all before we see the look.
The second Jen appears with the box braids and the cheetah boots and the brown fur?
Im screaming HOLY SHIT, DRAMATIC IRONY!
After that, not a second is wasted.
My notes at this point just say, POLICE DESCENDING (NYPD?
WE ARE 1 MINUTE AND 35 SECONDS INTO THIS SEASON, AND I CANNOT BREATHE.
Were talking about 30-year and 20-year maximum prison sentences for each charge.
Id also like to take a second to make something abundantly clear.
In the words of Jenherself, assalamu alaikum, bitches!
Alright, rad, now lets jump two months back in time and see whats what.
I disagree with that statement and its relevance.
That is a YOU problem.
I havent gone to jail yet.
Next, we check in with Meredith, whos executing her Max & Bone sponcon to perfection.
In my mind, theres only room for one skinfluencer in this cast.
Maybe Karen Huger can hook Whitney up with her three-wick candlemaker to optimally fragrance all these cavernous Utah homes?
Either way, time to pivot.
The only natural solution?
She admits to smoking weed but does not admit (yet) to being a cult leader.
Sophomore slump be damned, this is a strong start.
At last, we get to officially meet the new housewife!
From her lawn ornaments, all we know for sure is AMERICA.
Jens Auntie Nani stops by Shahlet 2.0 to show off her new bionic legs post-double amputation.
General tension emanating from Jen and Sharrieffs general direction?
There is not enough spensive Louis Vuitton perfume in the world to rectify the energy.
Fingers crossed Jens kids have solid support systems because its all just a lot.
If you thought we were leaving vagina-gate in season one, I have some unfortunate news.
Jen has called both Heather and Mary racist.
Mary just says she doesnt need Jens friendship juice, which is a considerably better take.
Then Meredith details Jens homophobia toward Brooks, and of course, there are receipts.
Brooks may technically be an adult, but Jen, peoples sexuality is none of your business!
Also, its terrible time management.
Finally, Lisa and family head over to the Marks household for Shabbat in honor of Merediths late father.
Meredith calls bullshit, gets out her thesaurus, and details Jens vendetta.
Its exhausting and rarely the empathy flex they think it is.
And thats all before we even get to THE CRIMINAL CHARGES!!
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