The Real Housewives: Ultimate Girls Trip
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In the immortal words of Boyz II Men, its so hard … to say good-bye … to yesterday.
That is what we did.
Or maybe its not yesterday that theyre clinging onto.
Maybe its a steady paycheck from Andy Cohens National Bank and Trust.
Sorry, wrong episode.
In this episode, we get Jill trying to remake her famous chocolate-chip banana bread.
It wasnt banana bread, it was just like crusty banana-muffin tops that looked like scarred Communion wafers.
Little of consequence happens in this episode, but there is still enough to be fascinated by.
How did Taylor order pizza in the middle of the night, and half of the house didnt notice?
And how did Dorinda break her own rules by eating pizza in her bed?
(Paige spends 45 hours a day in her bed.)
And how, just how, did Vicki not know she was crying when she was crying?
Is that a lack of self-awareness or a side effect of Botox?
(This could be aBelow Deckesque franchise, and Peacock should look into itinmediatamente.)
Brandi tells her just not to yell at everyone on the trip.
It is a good line.
Dorinda is not laughing.
In fact, I dont think Ive ever seen Dorinda laugh at a joke about herself.
Instead, she turns Brandi Glanville on Brandi Glanville.
She says, Dont get so drunk you make an ass out of yourself in someones house.
There is a world where Dorinda says something like this back at Brandi as another joke.
Like if she said, As long as you promise not to call everyone motherfuckers.
That is how friends joke.
The gays call it reading, and it is (what?)
The problem here is the tone.
Brandi told hers as a joke, and Dorinda told hers as a takedown.
The only difference between her andOld Yelleris that (30-year-old spoiler alert) she doesnt die at the end.
Dorinda tells Brandi her feelings are hurt, and Brandi apologizes to keep the peace.
When Brandi goes off crying, Vicki and Tamra tell Dorinda that shes upset.
This is why I think fans wont want Dorinda back on television after this.
Its the lack of self-awareness.
Dorinda has just as many awful moments but cant see them, cant apologize for them.
She takes everything too far, except forgiveness.
Phaedra did make one excellent observation about the women at the table.
As Real Housewives, each has something special about them, but also something peculiar about them.
Theyre not just women who live their lives out loud.
Theyre not just hard-drinking, hard-partying, hard-fighting reality-television professionals.
(I wouldnt either, but I would pay $10 a month for his OnlyFans.)
I think thats why we love them all, even the awful ones.
Its to figure out the pathology.
Or, better yet, so that wecan.
I dont love politics in myHousewives, but I love religion in them even less.
Then Phaedra calls out Bishop Hezekiah Walker to give a little sermon and lead the women in song.
He makes one good point, though, when he says God wants us to find inner peace.
He says, Its not fame, but you need something inside.
That is what this show is ultimately about.
That night, with the lords spirit in all of them, the ladies returned to the house.
Dorinda bid them adieu and took her sparkly pants and her bodysuit with the ill-advised cutouts upstairs to retire.
She held a bloody knife in the air and was waiting for Dorinda to approach.
What the fuck are you doing in my room?
And have you been bingingYellowjacketsor something?
I am here to complete the circle, the woman said.
Ill be back on the show.
Andy will have picked me once more!
She dodged the lunge and kicked at the womans feet, toppling her to the ground.
Dorinda jumped on top of her, slamming her hand into the floorboards until she dropped the knife.
Dorinda grabbed the bottom of the deer skull and ripped it off.
Carlton Gebbia, former Real Housewife of Beverly Hills?
It was you all along!
I heard what was happening, and I called the cops.
Theyll be here any minute.
Dorinda turned back to look at Carlton, but she was gone.
The pressure on her knees wasnt her bony shoulders but instead the floor.
The pentagram was gone, the candles were gone, the robe was gone.
All that remained was the head of the deer, lying on its side, staring back at Dorinda.
