The Bachelor
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Lets just all have a quick scream.
Whatever you gotta scream about, you could just stop for a second and scream.
Just scream about it.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Oooh, that felt good.
It feels good to just admit when you feel a powerful rage surging within you.
Its her and her visible bra.
Why is your bra always out, woman!
Why does it look like a sports bra in the back?
Its her, and the fact that she is Lola fromBig Mouthgrown up and unleashed unto the world.
All right, all right lets get to it.
True love is the PlayStation 5 of emotions.
Chris Harrison drops off the first date card of the season, and it goes to Bri!
She wore her worst outfit that morning!
Ugh, she has to casually drape her sweater over her shoulders and draw attention up to her face!
Matt James picks her up and walks her over to two ATVs.
Victoria asks if Bri is good at riding at ATV and if she has any weaknesses to exploit.
Meanwhile, Matt and Bri dash off into the mud and theyre splattering each other.
Bri climbs onto Matts ATV and he starts doing donuts and flips them over.
The way this is edited, I genuinely thought they were injured.
He vows to protect her from now on.
What in the promise ring is this man talking about?
Matt is behaving like Bri is his parents car and he got into a fender bender.
I hate this girl-power shit!
All of you are either fucking fake or liars!
Ill show Barbara Gordon who is the real boss of Gotham!!
All the other women are trying to avoid making eye contact with the unstable person in the room.
Victoria says she doesnt want the group date because she cant be her most authentic self.
If this is this woman holding back, I do not care to see what her unleashing looks like.
What a deliberate deviation from the shows sonic palette.
Matt and Bri kiss in the hot tub after staring at each other for 20 full seconds.
His romantic style is very 17-year-old at a lake house.
Either way, hes staying up past curfew to head to the night portion of the date with Bri!
Bri gets the rose.
Chelsea looks fucking done and says, hey, dont speak for other people, while rubbing her eyes.
Victoria makes direct eye contact and says that Marylynn was RUDE TO HER.
She said, I wanna pick your brain and understand you.
What a fucking monster.
Marylynn responds in quite frankly the calmest voice Ive ever heard on this franchise.
Who hasnt had this roommate?
Whats wrong with that?
The group date has EIGHTEEN WOMEN.
(I snuck one fake name in there.
Can you find it?)
This group date is a full mess.
Someone get Ryan Philippe in there to save these girls.
There is a whole pedagogy outside and I might have to take up arms against bigots in bison outfits.
Im too tired and we got BIGGER ISSUES.
And Mari too because fuck it, why not.
At the after-party, Matt sits down with Lauren first and talks about being a man of faith.
Hes worried about bringing it up on dates because of the preconceived notions about religion.
We seem to have gone full 700 Club here.
Im not upset at him being religious or that he wants a relationship where faith and religion are important.
Matt gives the rose to Lauren because they share the same values.
The next date card that arrives is for Sarah.
Matt got a BIPLANE!
Hold me in your Party City arms, Dale.
Matt asks, for the third time this episode, What about your pops?
Sarah says she loves him and hes great but …she has something to say about him.
BECAUSE HES A STRANGER!
kindly stop expecting total intimacy with these people you dont fucking know.
Sarah quit her job to be a caregiver for him.
Its definitely something youd want a little bit of actual intimacy before telling someone.
Matt says hes going to pray for her dad and says he loves that shes selfless.
One actually very sweet thing he does is ask her if theres anything he can do to support her.
Not exactly what the lead is supposed to do, but very sweet.
They make out and head to the hot tub.
She gets the one-on-one rose.
Marylynn is toxic and manipulates the situation by crying and is toxic.
Matt immediately jumps to Victorias defense because how could this happen!
Can we just not do this?
Matt takes Marylynn aside and she is visibly frustrated theres nothing she can say to change his mind.
Meanwhile, every single woman to whom Victoria slurs this theory of toxicity says: Marylynn?
Who seems emotionally intelligent and kind?
Marylynn finally sits down with Victoria and immediately apologizes.
She says, Im sorry I hurt you.
She turns on the Karen tears and says that Marylynn is bullying her by trying to apologize.
This isnt fun or cute and Marylynn is incredibly hurt by the whole experience.
Time for the rose ceremony.
Matt rushes over to her and the medics file in.
Sarah says shes seeing stars and is about to black out.
TO BE CONTINUED…
(Oh no, is that Victoria in the preview for next week?
AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!)
