How the HBO seriesLuckcoincided with the biggest disaster in David Milchs life.
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His life story is as multifaceted, mesmerizing, and infuriating as that of his most famous characters.
Despite all this, Milch excelled at creative writing.
He graduated from Yale and went on to teach literature there for 12 years.
What followed was a period of failed and aborted projects and chronic depression.
He says, Where do you start and stop?
The track is such a rich world.
Gambling and horse racing were inextricably associated with my relationship with my old man.
That association came to inform my idea of relaxation, or enjoyment, or success.
When you win a race, they take your picture in the winners circle.
We had a drawer in the dresser in our bedroom where I kept cash and race tickets.
Sometimes thered be hundreds of thousands of dollars cash in there.
Each of my kids learned to steal with that drawer.
Theyd show it to friends who came over.
It was one of the fun parts of our house, like having a pool but harder to explain.
You pass on some lessons whether you want to or not.
But making them chase after me was maybe also my way of telling them they didnt belong there.
They werent like me in that way.
I found a way to say that too.
I wrote the pilot ofLuckin 2009.
After about seven years away, I was going to the track more throughout that year.
People seemed excited about the prospect of our working together.
We shot the pilot in April of 2010.
It was not a happy collaboration for me.
Michael insists upon a single voice, especially on set.
I couldnt go to the set literally I was forbidden from going.
That was a loss.
Had I been directing the series, it would have been a different series.
I dont think he knew enough about the world he was trying to portray.
The last part of my writing is being on the set and working with the actors.
The animals are the measure of the capacity for gentleness.
After the pilot there were some real conversations about how we would continue.
We all still wanted to do the show.
We were talking about what soldiers bring to and take away from battle.
He said, No, of course not.
And I said, Dont say of course not.
For Michael, if your mother is ill, showing up at her bedside is a given.
Thats a good thing, but thats not true for me.
I dont see any human behavior as a given.
And thats just one way we see stories differently.
I dont remember that.
But I remember feeling pretty fucking angry when I was waiting to see an edit.
I felt so cut off from the process of the work.
That kind of statement, ad hominem, ultimately diminishes the speaker.
And yet I dont want to be perceived as bending over backward to avoid a fight.
That was the question then, and in deciding how to talk about this it becomes the question now.
Its a pain in the balls.
A moment has to come when you say your piece.
But at the time I determined that bending was something I was going to have to live with.
And while I couldnt be on the set, I could be in the clubhouse.
I could still take people to the track and bet.
I told him, Nothing.
Everything is at risk and the specific outcome doesnt depend on my character flaws, so thats a release.
Rita then asked them why they didnt pull the alarm to her years ago.
They said they were afraid Id fire them if they did.
They robbed us again.
I was selling the furniture.
Sometimes we are blessed with what they call a moment of clarity.
As I was getting sicker she was getting sicker with me.
The deepest truth of the situation was, Im killing her.
And now she had learned how thoroughly I had put her and the kids at risk.
If you look at my behavior, that ambivalence toward order, toward reality, it proves out.
During a brief law-school sojourn, I lived in a hotel room with a credit card I never paid.
I sold my novel to multiple publishers.
I dont believe money is real.
I made whole shows about that.
But what you believe about money is real.
When she got home from the accountants that day, she had her steam-rage silence going.
She handed me the list of payouts to the track.
I looked at her and said, Why are you showing me this?
I couldnt bear to talk to her.
I said I was sorry and went to bed.
I hid for the first two days they were there.
But thats not what happens.
I kept working onLuck, but I didnt tell anyone what was happening.
I couldnt go to the set and now I couldnt go to the clubhouse either.
Rita called my psychiatrist and told him about the money.
I likely would not have told him on my own.
That treatment didnt reach any of the fundament of what was going on.
It was a sad time.
I lost about 45 pounds in six months.
The revelation has the effect of shaming you totally.
It cuts you off from every other avenue of expression in connection with those you love.
That final element of realization isolates you in your shame.
Thats when you start to worry about taking yourself out.
Its a kind of jailing that feels permanent.
Im still on the Suboxone.
Two horses had died while we were shooting the first season.
HBO paused production, and then HBO, Michael Mann, and I agreed to end the show.
The official version was that it was canceled because those three horses died.
We were working with the American Humane Association and following every protocol.
I think animals should be a part of art.
To exclude them would be life-hating.
Any living thing is subject to the laws of mortality.
I was relieved when the show ended, and Rita even more so.
I suspect HBO was too we were way over budget.
Still, I found some dear friends while making it.
The writer Eric Roth is another.
Erics attempts at helping Michael and me work together were heroic.
Thats a blessing of the work we do, getting to know and love people we wouldnt otherwise.
I wish I had more time with every one of those actors.
That process occurs in every one of the story lines in a different way.
Horse racing would never admit it, but Las Vegas has been one of the deaths of the sport.
Casinos go beyond that.
You cant find a clock in a casino.
The difference between night and day, its very hard once youre in the casino to see the outside.
When you go to Las Vegas, that city is organized intentionally to obliterate the disciplines of time.
The ad campaign, What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Its a fiction that suggests, Whatever you do in the real world, dont worry about it.
you might come to Vegas and reinvent yourself and here are the instruments for reinvention.
Craps, pai gow, slots.
Talk about a range of possibilities!
Its not like you have to confine yourself to one thing.
You stay up, you dont have to sleep.
The foods right here, if you happen to remember youre a creature who eats.
The house is there forever.
Excerpted from the book LIFES WORK by David Milch, out September 13 by Random House.
